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Knicks storm back from 22 point deficit to steal Game 1 in the Garden, as Brunson commits elder abuse on James Harden. Meanwhile, Wemby is a confirmed alien (proof here) and the simulation is broken. I love this game.
Elon loses lawsuit against Sam Altman and OpenAI, as jury decides in less than 2 hours that OpenAI’s founders were not liable on all claims made by Musk. One of the rare situations where I am happy for no one involved.
Asteroid the size of two school buses narrowly misses Earth the same day the White House teases a second release of UFO files. Coincidence? Probably.
Meta cuts 8k employees (roughly 10% of their workforce) despite a record $56B in quarterly revenue to fund AI infrastructure. There really are no jobs with actual stability anymore. Good. My best ideas come under pressure.
Pizza Hut announces new ‘90s restaurant themed revival, as the struggling chain brings back old designs and their Book It! reading program. Fuck yes. No let’s convince McDonald’s to bring back their ball pit. I miss it.
🚨ANOTHER PIECE OF CONTENT TO GET YOUR THROUGH THE HORRORS OF MODERN LIFE JUST DROPPED🚨 Check out our latest podcast with Billy Langdon, where we broke down James Bond casting, sentient Waymos, Spotify Logo changes and of course, the Chad Judge that effortlessly looks-mogged Clavicular. Banger.
ENHANCED GAMES ARE COMING
Jarvis - enhance these games. Thank you.
This weekend marks the beginning of the most glorious competition known to mankind: the Enhanced Games. It’s just like the Olympics, except the athletes won’t get in trouble for using steroids. Actually, they’re encouraged to.
It’s a fun idea, but I don’t think they’re being creative enough with some of these events. Here’s some pitches for events and steroids that the athletes can use to performance-max. BRING BACK STEROIDS.
God this is gorgeous. I miss it every day.
100M Hurdles: Runners get Turkish leg extension surgery. Basically will be more of a ‘step over’ than a ‘hurdle’ situation. Still cool.
Ketamine Horse Racing: Horses get ketamine.
Hobby Horse Racing: Jockeys get ketamine.
Long Distance Swimming: Swimmers get gills. Anyone who says that’s not possible has clearly never participated in the Tri-Wizard tournament. Embarassing.
Cup Stacking: Adderall. Let’s see what the human body is truly capable of.
Home Run Derby: Steroids and a metal bat. This is how Abner Doubleday intended the game to be played when he invented it. Just trust me on this one.
WHAT ELSE IS GOOD
It brings me no joy to tell you the Heart Attack Grill in Las Vegas, which proudly serves 350+ pound customers for free and features waitresses that spank you if you don’t finish your plate, has closed their doors after 15 years. Ozempic ruins everything.
This is what Heaven looks like. I’m sure of it
Of course the two dudes who broke into Punch the Monkey’s enclosure were crypto bros trying to launch a meme coin. Life lesson: any stunt you’ve ever seen online (including dildo throwing) is to launch a meme coin. Stay woke.
This shit pisses me off so bad. I can’t wait until the entire crypto industry collapses and we never have to deal with this again. And I’m NOT just saying that because I’m pissed I waited to long to invest in anything
BREAKING: a fourth beret hat has hit John Travolta’s head. More details to follow. This explanation was enjoyable, but not satisfactory. There’s something deeper afoot.
Goodness gracious, John. Save some for the rest of us
Thank god Oz the Mentalist has been exposed after Will Compton couldn’t spell Breece Hall right. His reign of terror & witch-craft has ended. Our people are safe.
He really was starting to scare me. I’m still not convinced that he didn’t get exposed on purpose just to throw us off his scent.
Who Was Today's Hump Day Hero?
HUMP DAY HIPPO CAR
Can’t imagine this gets incredible mileage as a vehicle but who cares
This is just remarkable. I want this lady to be my grandma so bad. Not just so I can inherit the car when she passes (god willing that’s not for another 100 years) but she just has a vibe I look for in a grandma. Cool shirt, warm spirit, delightful eccentricities. Probably bakes a mean apple pie. What else do you really need?
PS - here’s a fun hippo adjacent fact for you:
The word Hippopotomonstrosequippedaliophobia is of the longest words in the dictionary, which ironically means the fear of long words. If you have trouble remembering this word, don’t worry. There’s an easy synonym you can use – sesuipedalophobia. Now go forth and prosper today.
Someone just spent $236,000,000 on a painting. Here’s why it matters for your wallet.
Late last year, a Klimt sold for the highest price ever paid for modern art at auction.
An outlier sure, but it wasn't a fluke. U.S. auction sales grew 23.1% in 2025. The $1-5mm segment even grew 40.8% YoY.
Meanwhile, Apollo’s chief economist Torsten Slok said to expect ‘zero in return in the S&P 500 over the coming decade.’
Each environment is unique, but after dot-com, post war and contemporary art grew about 24% annually for a decade. After 2008, about 11% for 12 years.
It’s also had near-zero correlation with the S&P 500 since ‘95.*
Now, Masterworks lets you invest in shares of artworks featuring legends like Banksy, Basquiat, and Picasso.
$1.3 billion invested across over 500 artworks.
28 sales to date.
Net annualized returns on sold works held 12 months+ like 14.6%, 17.6%, and 17.8%.
Shares can sell quickly, but my subscribers can skip the waitlist:
*Investing involves risk. Past performance is not indicative of future returns. See important Reg A disclosures at masterworks.com/cd.
STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY
The gorilla traded to the Pittsburgh Zoo will live out his days breeding until his gorilla penis falls off. Sounds exhausting. At that point, it just feels like work.
Read this on your lunch break: The Mystery and Mass Appeal of the NFL Draft.
The latest installation in the Daycare for Men series is incredible. Remarkable stuff
I’m just now learning that we can learn in our sleep. That’s cool and all, but when do we get to actually rest? Great read.
Having roommates like this is actually so underrated. It’s nice to always have someone by your side like that.
Might need to hop on RedNote, the Chinese App that puts Instagram to shame. We should all be China-maxxing at all times. Solid read.
It’s Hump Day. Fuck it. Billy Walsh’s best moments. Fuck the suits.
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