The Daily Friday: Wednesday 5/21

1. Klarna reveals that 41% of users make late payments, as losses shoot up to $136M. Defaulting on your bowl of Cava slop loan is the American dream.

2. A fifth escaped New Orleans prisoner has been captured, leaving five more inmates on the run in Louisiana. Anyone else hammering the ‘2+ prisoners stay free until Friday’ prop? If that hits, I can pay Klarna back.

3. A 650+ year old drum tower in China has collapsed, as tourists scrambled to avoid falling debris. Gotta be at least one or two ancient curses getting released from that sucker. We are probably fucked.

4. Skibidi Toilet movie is now in production, helmed by the only man capable of the job: Michael Bay. Can’t wait for the eventual Italian Brain Rot epic directed by Scorsese in 3 years. Only wish Fellini was around to tackle that one.

5. The All-American Rejects are going on a house party tour this summer, will play in the backyards of fans who request them. Fuck yes. We are so back. Time to update the White Boy Summer MVP odds.

Folks, clear your schedule for July 19th. Almost Friday TV is bringing their talents to the stage in San Diego and tickets are now for sale. Get ‘em while they’re hot.

WNBA: Caitlin Clark can assault Angela Reese and probably almost kill her as many times as she wants if she keeps bringing in these ratings and putting up these stats.

NBA: The SGA whistle is getting out of control. We get it, he got out-meated by Donovan Mitchell. That doesn’t mean he gets every call because we feel bad for him.

Shaq has confirmed what we’ve always known: the lottery is rigged. Adam Silver, can you please make sure the Knicks get this kid in 8 years? I know you read this.

Tyrese Haliburton will be sending the fan who got his ass kicked after he was dumb enough to wear his jersey out near MSG after the Knicks win to Game 4 in Indiana. He better fly Giannis out to Game 3 after what his dad did. It’s only right.

NHL: BIG ol’ fight breaks out between Marchand and Gostisbehere during the Panthers Game 1 win. Truly nothing like playoff hockey.

MLB: Gotta say, Walter Buechler was absolutely correct here. That is right down the fucking middle. 100% worth getting tossed for.

Don’t look now, but the Reds are playing .500 baseball every since killing a pigeon during batting practice (RIP.)

NFL: League votes to allow players to compete in this flag football Olympics event. Our game against England is going to make the Boston Tea Party look like a pillow fight.

I gotta get a job as a Patriots tight end. Cranking mid-meeting sounds awesome.

NCAAF: Belichick and Jordon Hudson are reportedly engaged, as she told ‘at least one person.’ That’s classic ‘sniffing out a rat in your inner circle behavior.’ Not biting.

LET’S LUCY

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WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

Kim Kardashian announces new SKIMS bra with fake nipple piercings on it. Perfect. Can’t wait until they launch a men’s version of this but for guys who want to look circumcised but are too busy to do it themselves 😕 

Executives at an “Orgasmic Meditation” startup face charges that they forced two workers to ‘have sex in order to relieve tension between them.’ I’ve never updated my resume faster. I would love to create an extremely toxic workplace there.

Woman bitten by an Australian shepherd was refused $4k settlement because “every dog is entitled to one bite.” Fair enough. Just please do not let pit bull owners see this.

24 Jump Street: a 24 y/o Venezuelan was arrested for impersonating a 16 year old and attending high school. God forbid a man wants to retake the PSAT and try to make the wrestling team so he can compete for a district title. Thought this was America.

HUMP DAY HIPPO

I’m sure you all saw the big, breaking news this week: capuchin monkeys are kidnapping howler monkey babies “as a prank.” I really think we need to re-examine our definition of the word prank. That is a federal crime and probably the plot of the one of the Taken movies. I haven’t kept up.

I am officially done with the capuchin community until they stop this behavior. They’re already on my shit-list, as you can see from the above picture of one of them attempting to give back-shots to a baby hippo. I’m a pretty open-minded guy but that really crosses the line of what I’m comfortable with. And that’s saying something.

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• Newark Airport’s only air traffic controller is a hero and a scholar. Please let him sleep. And eat and call his family.

• Read this on your lunch break: Can Sam Altman Be Trusted with the Future?

• Been way too long without a Fire Stick audio session from Liam. Need more Walter Goggins and Hailey Bieber hacks.

• Loved The Ringer’s breakdown of all the movies from Season 1 of The Studio. Need to see Duhpocalypse like I need to breathe.

• Another Conner O’Malley banger has graced the timeline. God is good.

• Please ask us questions for our next mailbag on this link. We want to save all of your lives. Catch up on previous mailbags while you wait.