The Pope declares war on AI, delivers a 150 page manifesto on the dangers of the technology. Hell yeah. With him dropping bars and then hitting the 6-7, he might just be my in my Top 5 White Sox fans of all time (after this lady.)
Knicks sweep the Cavaliers to advance to first NBA finals since The Sopranos debuted. Kudos to Chalamet for snagging free Chipotle for a year, btw. Good to save some money with these ticket prices. Meanwhile, the Thunder flop their way to a Game 5 win. Thank you to this ref for his service.
Indie horror film Obsession makes history in second weekend, increasing its box by 30% and clearing $75M, 100x its budget. Shoutout to Curry Baker and all the YouTube film-makers out there (this guy is next, btw.)
Ferrari has unveiled their first fully electric vehicle, a $640k car that was co-developed with Apple design chief Jony Ive and is named Luce. Do not let Nico Harrison get his hands on that or he’ll trade it for a Nissan Altima.
Vegas Knights sweep the Avalanche to advance to the Stanley Cup finals. I wish I knew before-hand that they have 5 players (!!) with wives due during the finals so I could’ve bet on some baby magic. Easy lock for the win.
AN ODE TO FRONT PORCHES
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Little snooze + paper + iced tea + looking at an incoming storm and saying “we needed this.” Life goals.
I don’t know who invented the front porch, but whoever did is a fucking genius. I spotted an old guy just straight posting up on one the other day and legit got pumped. Rocking chair, cold drink, taking in the soon-to-be sunset. Legit said, “fuck yeah” out loud. Girlfriend was confused. Then I was confused why she didn’t seem to understand why I thought the reaction was more than warranted.
Maybe I’m just a simple man, Skynyrd style, but you give me a two-bedroom house with a front porch in a small town... I’m good. Cancel all future possessions.
When it comes to owning a house (god forbid a house with a front porch), I’m basically screwed. CBTM needs to 10x before Uncle Bobbo starts looking at some standalone properties. Which, you know, I’m ok with. I like my life. A couple extra bucks can’t hurt, but chasing the dollar isn’t ever going to be my #1 priority. That is, until I saw this guy on his front porch.
I need this. Lil’ bev, lil’ rock (rocking chair), lil’ sunset, lil’ waft of a cherry pie cooking in the kitchen, lil’ “How the boys look? State?, lil’ chat with the sheriff, lil’ open carry.
Need. Whatever it takes. Steal, cheat, con my way into a front porch. Squatter? Might be worth it. I’m telling you, the way the guy was posted up… not a care in the world. Sins, completely washed away. That’s the thing with front porches man, they don’t care who you are, where you came from, how you got there. Nah… front porches create vibes and you’re just the vessel.
I need this shit in my life. Front Porches. Could Be The Move.
WHAT ELSE IS GOOD
This Mallort specialty cocktail menu at Barrel House in Dayton was the first piece of content I saw this morning and it sent a chill down my spine. Fantastic start to the day.
Don’t TALK to me until I’ve had a Liquid Fuck You
Can I be honest with you guys? There’s a ton of uproar online about how Bryce Harper squirts his toothpaste into his mouth instead of on the toothbrush, but I’ve actually done this a billion times. Totally normal way to apply toothpaste, find a new slant.
Let’s not toothpaste application shame, ok guys?
I may have finally discovered a new side hustle and way to finally pay off my credit card bills: working as a masturbation consultant for Joi AI. I’d honestly do this as a volunteer role, but I’ll take the $2k/month if you’re offering.
Society if the only job available was masturbation consultant to an AI companion companion. The world would be completely perfect.
File this one in ‘news that would make a prehistoric tribesman’s head explode’: the Phillipines had a meteor crash and a volcanic eruption happen at the exact same time and place. I’d be prepared to build an entire religion out of this if I saw it in person.
This is probably Dinosaur Superman coming down, nothing to worry about here
The jockey that went absolutely fucking flying over his horse and sustained ZERO injuries needs to buy a lottery ticket, go sky-diving with no parachute and cold DM J-Lo (these pics are remarkable btw) in the next 24 hours. That luck doesn’t last for long
This is a real picture. I mean what in god’s name
Who Was Today's Hump Day Hero?
HUMP DAY HIPPO TABLE
We love a table with a meaning on this newsletter.
Just an absolutely gorgeous piece of table right there. There is no better way to tie together your living room than this elegant, yet understated piece of anatomically accurate glassware. We should all be so lucky.
And that’s not even mentioning the added benefit of the table’s thematic message. Like this table, we all have 2 selves: what we show the world and what we hide beneath the surface. Above water, yes we may have beautiful ears and ears and neck rolls. But underneath? That’s where 90% of the story is told. Where the magic of life happens.
And separating those two parts of our inner selves? A rectangle, slightly rounded piece of thick, sturdy glass that collects a ton of dust and must be cleaned at least 2x a week.
HIT DIFFERENT GOLF
BREAKING: Almost Friday has launched a golf channel called Hit Different Golf and the first episode is incredible. Tap in now for weekly videos. It just hits different.
STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY
In light of the Summer House reunion airing last night, it’s time to unpack the timeless question: is it ever ok to date a friend’s ex?
Read this on your lunch break: Hard Rain: The Battle over Weather Modification.
Can I get a job recording myself doing chores for the robots like this gentleman? Man’s gotta get paid somehow.
Really loved this video from a guy who watched every episode of Wheel of Fortune and tracked which divorce rates based on how the guys treated their wives during the show. Excellent work, sir.
This deep-dive into the Shaolin monastery that trained Wemby is well worth the read. Brings me back to when ESPN actually had good long form writing.
Drake’s Ghostwriter is another work of art from Dan Carney. A+
It’s Hump Day. Fuck it. Crushed Home Runs that get increasingly demolished.
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