The Daily Friday: Wednesday 5/28

1. Movie studios have record MDW showing, led by new Mission Impossible and Lilo and Stitch live action remake, which I saw and actually loved. Thank you for sticking to the sacred text and keeping Lilo’s sister a baddie. 

2. French president Emmanuel Macron slapped by Will Smith at the Oscars by his wife on plane, claims they were ‘horsing around’. Just classic stuff that happens when you marry the teacher you had when you were 15. Been there.

3. Unknown bacteria found on Chinese Space Station has potential to infect Earth. Hell yeah. I was just thinking we need another pandemic. COVID-20 would rock.

4. AMA’s were suspiciously empty this year, as many major award recipients did not show up to watch Jennifer Lopez make-out with her dancers. Shame. At least fans got to see a “live” “performance” from “stars.”

5. New prison break just dropped, as a former Arkansas police chief turned murderer busted out of jail while 2 escaped New Orleans prisoners remain at large. These things come in threes…please keep an eye on Diddy.

NBA: Tyrese Haliburton’s dad’s son goes off for a record setting performance to give the Pacers a 3-1 series lead. Knicks in 7.

Love the idea of Chet Holmgren sitting down on his couch on a rainy Saturday and cracking open a coffee table book of Rolexes. #guyswhoread

HOCKEY: USA hockey wins gold for the first time in 92 years at the IIHF!! Not sure what the really means, but that sounds good.

Both conference finals series are on the brink, and it’s shaping up to be an Oilers vs. Panthers rematch of last year’s final. Give McDavid his first Cup. Or I will riot.

MLB: Extremely relatable how the Athletic’s manager has to walk of shame across the outfield after getting ejected. Been there many times after getting tossed from a bar.

Two crazy stats for you to bring up when you’re stuck in an elevator with your coworker: Shohei Ohtani is on pace to score 175 runs, the most since Babe Ruth and the Rockies are on pace to finish 74 games out of first place . The more you know.

MMA: Never thought I’d be saying this, but Marney Maxx is the greatest one armed athlete since Jim Abbott. And that’s saying something.

WNBA: Kind of love Brittney Griner arguing with the ref mid-TV interview. This is why we traded you for a Russian arms dealer. Makes the Luka trade look even.

NFL: Buying tons of stock in Stefon Diggs after this performance on a boat with some beautiful ladies and delicious looking pink cocaine. That’s just clear WR1 behavior.

DEMOLISH THE DAILY GRIND

Look, writing this newsletter can be a bit of grind. Don’t think I could do it without 5-15 cups of coffee a day. Now, you’d think that for some who drinks so much coffee, I’d be actually good at brewing it, but unfortunately it always tastes terrible and I make a massive mess. Not the best way to start the day.

That’s why I love these Cold Brew Latte cans from Death Wish. Just snag one from the fridge, crack it, and I’m good to go. No wait, no mess, no regrets. Plus, they’re delicious.

Try a Death Wish Latte today (big fan of the Original flavor) at Walmart, Five Below, Amazon or by hammering that link below. 

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

Gotta hand it to this lad; that is is how you attack the Gloucester Cheese Roll. Shoutout to American Abbey Lampey, who took 2nd after winning the title in ’24 & ‘22. First the colonies, then Harry, now this. If the UK isn’t careful, we’ll steal their entire culture.

I know he’s getting clowned on Tik-Tok, but I fuck with the Married in a Year in the Suburbs guy. Have not been able to get that out of my head and that’s saying something. Just keep posting through the pain, brother. You could go full Hawk Tuah.

Kylie is reportedly putting the kibosh on Timmy C shooting sex scenes in future films after Gwyneth Paltrow was raving about pretend banging him. Oh sweetie. You can try to cage a bird, but it will always want to fly. If you don’t let him, you’ll lose him.

Undisputed GOAT Joey Chestnut sucks down 42 bags of popcorn in 8 minutes, shattering his record of 32. We need him back in the hot dog eating contest this year. Do the right thing Nathans.

HUMP DAY HIPPO

Been a lot of talk about the aviation industry these days. A kangaroo denied entry to a plane, even though he was patiently waiting with his ticket. Two pigeons trying to hitch a ride on Delta. Newark Airport becoming the Newark of Airports. Nathan Fielder bravely proving that autistic people can (sort of) pilot a 737 (kind of.)

Let’s not re-invent the wheel here, people. Let’s take what’s been working (hippos) and give them complete and total control of the airways. They’ve already dominated both land and sea - it’s time to conquer the skies.

Once you get past the lack of opposable thumbs and inability to speak English, they are unflappable under pressure, would look sick in a uniform, and as a vicious apex predator, would curtail unruly passenger behavior ASAP. What more do you need?

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STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• Rusty, Willy and Billy drank their way around Epcot and ranked every country. This is the kind of content they were born to make. Bravo.

• Read this on your lunch break: Is Adam Friedland the new Jon Stewart?

• Shoutout to this guy doing whatever the hell you want to call that. Genuinely impressive work.

• Loved this blog on how NBA stars are just not cool. Fix it please

• Druski’s been posting some risskkkkyyy videos, including an Asian nail tech and bringing back whiteface. I’ll allow it.

• Finally, someone is talking about how Google is burying the web with AI. So fucking annoying to search shit these days.

• LAST CALL FOR MAILBAG QUESTIONS. New edition dropping next week (more to come on this matter during Friday’s post.)