The Daily Friday: Wednesday 5/7

1. DoorDash goes on $5B spending spree, buying a UK-based food delivery service and a Resy competitor, days after Uber spent $700M on Turkish Seamless and Instacart launched booze ordering. Big Food Delivery is coming.

2. Utah was named the #1 state for third straight year, based on economy, education, and infrastructure. Clearly didn’t include actual important categories like where you can buy the Holy Trinity: booze, coffee, and mooses (meese?)

3. Derby winner Sovereignty will skip Preakness and a shot at a Triple Crown, though will race at Belmont. Is this load management or is he protesting this year’s cancellation of the music fest/toilet run? If anyone speaks horse, lmk.

4. REAL ID is effective today at airports, though travelers without one can still fly after additional security steps. Sure everyone will be very reasonable about it. TSA agents will need more therapy than Newark air traffic controllers.

5. Conclave will officially begin today, as cardinals gather to select the next Pope after finally get around to streaming ‘Conclave’ to prep (actually.) Fuck a white/black smoke updates: I’ll be getting all my news from Pop(e) Crave.

NBA: If you’re not taking the Knicks and their zesty king in 7 for the series, you’re just going to go flat broke.

I don’t even want to think about what Tyrese Haliburton’s dad was doing last night after he hit this game winner to cap an insane comeback.

Loyola’s all-time leading lacrosse goal scorer was the reason the Warriors beat the Timberwolves last night without Steph Curry. Fuck it, Pat Spence lax highlights.

Jokic is not only dropping 40-20s, but coaching the Nuggets. Anyone who didn’t give him the MVP must want to take a toaster bath right now.

NHL: Don’t often see goalies puking from concussions. Just means more. Leafs in 6.

MLB: The White Sox are gonna White Sox. Just a simple fact of life.

Fan taunts PNC park employee, who ends up taking his belt off and whipping him and his little buns to smithereens. Crazy they captured my exact top porn search to a T.

NFL: Shoutout to the Shedeur Sanders fan who is suing the NFL for ‘emotional distress’ to the tune of $100M after the QB slid to the 5th round. Genuinely wish I cared about anything in life that much.

George Pickens has taken his talents to Dallas, gets traded for 2026 third round pick and future pick swaps.

GOLF: Someone shit their pants during the RBC Heritage tournament and left the dirty underwear in a porta potty. We’ve all been there before.

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WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

Excellent performances from Sabrina and Sydney at the Met Gala. Going to have to give the nod to Sydney, but if I am ever in the mood for a brown M&M, Sabrina will be my first call. Keep putting in the work and your time will come ❤️ 

A dude has been walking around his town completely naked, but cops can’t arrest him until he ‘shows intent to arouse himself or others.’ Imagine having a body so bad that the cops are like “well he’s clearly not trying to turn anyone one.” Fitness goals.

One of the UK’s biggest train fare dodgers, who owes $30k in fare evasion, was busted on his way to court for trying to avoid paying his train fare. If you’re gonna go down, it might as well be doing what you love.

I will forgive GTA for pushing the new game launch another year after seeing this new trailer. Honestly, if we get to see Lucia’s feet in addition to her dumper, I’ll wait 10 years. That’s the price you pay.

HUMP DAY HIPPOS TEARING A ZEBRA FROM LIMB TO LIMB

Been a lot of talk about the new Baby Rhino named Masiki at the Wildlife World Zoo in Arizona. Not impressed. Can a Rhino tear a zebra from limb to limb like these glorious beasts? They honestly might be able to, but I refuse to do any research for this segment, so I’m gonna say no. Thank you for being understanding.

This photo is the perfect example of the power of friendship among carnivores. It’s like when you and your absolute boy team up to demolish a six foot sub together on a Saturday afternoon. Sure, you could’ve done it alone, but that would’ve been sad and horrible for your cholesterol. None of us can get through this little thing called life all by ourselves. And that’s a goddam fact.

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• Three heroic men come together to answer one simple question: is it easier to cook by yourself or with 3 men attached to each other as one brain and two arms? This new Ratatouille spin-off is awesome.

• Read this on your lunch break: Inside the Life of a 24/7 Streamer.

• “Run it straight” is the sport of the future and the easiest and fastest way to tear your shoulder from its socket. Finally.

• The Bowlification of Lunch: how everyone learned to sit at their desk and enjoy their bowl of slop.

• Royce DuPont just had the crossover of the century. Nice try Caleb, but no pupil will ever out-duel the master. Just a simple fact of life.

• David Attenborough at 99: still a goddam legend. God bless this man.

• It’s Hump Day. Take a note from this golfer and play through any obstacles that come across your path today (even a wedding.) You got this.

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