Ronaldo becomes first player to score in 6 different World Cups, gets 2 goals in Portugal’s win (still not as impressive as this lad.) England goes scoreless against Ghana (classy move by this witch doctor to release Harry Kane for next round) and I respect the hell out of Norwegian bluntness.
Meta introduces AI-powered smart glasses the same day it’s reported that the tech company is developing their own prediction market app. Pick a lane, Zuck (RIP to the Metaverse btw) or at least focus on stuff that matters.
Wizards take AJ Dybantsa first overall (shoutout St. Sebs), as he joins Kwame Brown and mix-tape GOAT John Wall as the only #1 picks in team history. PS - wtf was Richard Jefferson doing here? Totally unnecessary shot.
Google invests $75M in the film studio A24 as part of a research agreement to develop AI tools for film-makers. Let’s go ahead and rename it AI24. If this means we get a feature length AI fruit cheating film, I’ll be happy.
Woman who stole a trash can at the Knicks parade identified as JP Morgan executive and promptly fired by the firm. From the sex-slave fiasco to the $4M deli platter settlement to this, one thing has become extremely clear: JP Morgan has the lowest hiring standards in the world. I might apply.
BOOKING A FLIGHT DURING A MAJOR SPORTING EVENT
This entry is a small taste of the content from our absolute boys over at Could Be The Movesletter. Give them a sub for gold in your inbox every Friday.
This Move is brought to you by Hayden O., and I swear to god, bro must’ve read my mind because I was 1000% thinking about this last weekend.
Was 30,000 in the air, flying back to the worst airport in the United States, possibly the world. To my delight, I had the World Cup and Stanley Cup going. 30 minutes of Ivory Coast/Ecuador, followed by Jordan Staal hoisting the cup. Was great man. Time flew by. A late Ivory Coast goal, complete Canes domination, next thing you know I’m over Nevada and bringing in Spotify to close out the flight.
It was a casual watch. Falling in and out of a light slumber. Eyes popping open after an eccentric call from the announcer. Lil’ game, lil’ snooze, beautiful. Definitely Could Be The Move.
Now, if I were heavily invested in the outcome… feel like this Move would be a disaster.
If I’m in economy watching the Caps try to close out the Cup in 6, I’d be a straight mess. Absolute panic every time we lose connection. Trying to hold it together. Freak out after they let in a weak goal. Joining the No Fly List thanks to a violent reaction to a weak offensive zone penalty.
Legit, the only con I can think of is a monetary one. High in the air, enjoying the third round of The Masters. Jim Nantz’s soothing voice and flush 7-irons from your noise-cancelling headphones, oh my. “Might as well go all in,” you say to yourself. Two Heinekens, a snack box and $54 later.
Shit, if spending $54 for that extra level of comfort on a cross-country flight is the biggest flaw I can find… Hell of a Move.
Book a Flight During a Major Sporting Event. Could Be The Move.
- Bobby D
LET YOUR STICK DO THE TALKING
BREAKING NEWS: Dr. Squatch has a new head professor, and it's Megan Fox. She's running The F.O.X. (Foundation for Odor Excellence) and class is in session. The lesson? Real men pay attention to their deodorant.
As a big time sweater, this is incredible news for me as we head into the summer. I can’t keep throwing out my favorite shirts because the pits are stained to high heaven. I can barely afford to drink 4-7 nights a week as it is.
All of that gets solved with Invisible Glide deodorant. Natural, aluminum-free, 72-hour odor protection that goes on invisible (no more leaving white marks behind on clothes.)
Plus - it’s Megan Fox. If she says to do something, are you really not gonna listen?
WHAT ELSE IS GOOD
58 year old Australian air conditioner cleaner sets the Guinness World Record for loudest shout by a human at 122.4 decibels, which is as loud as a chain saw but not as loud as my coworker Tom chewing his bullshit lunches at his desk (fuck you Tom.)
Figaro, figaro, FIGAROoo!!!!!
A Texas zoo owner has finally found Gracie, their giraffe that has been missing for over two weeks. Glad she’s safe but that owner’s gotta take a look in the mirror. You simply cannot be losing a giraffe as a grown adult. Clean it up, king.
Has anyone seen my giraffe? She’s like 100 fee tall, spotted, shaped in a way that no animal on earth is shaped? Should be easy to spot if you see her
Here’s a weekly reminder to never get on a roller coaster: Dozens of passengers were left dangling 260 feet in the air on a Six Flags rider after it malfunctioned. Fuckkk that.
Look, realistically, I should be the only person alive who designs roller coasters. It’s just too dangerous otherwise. If you’d seen my work on Roller Coaster Tycoon, you’d agree with me.
This DoorDash robot that refused to leave a SWAT operation in Arizona until it delivered its meal to a customer deserves our respect and a full salute. That’s a goddam soldier in my book. You will deliver that Chulupa or die trying.
We need more of this mentality in the world. From humans and robots. Do your job, no matter what it takes (he says as he sends out this newsletter 27 minutes past his self-imposed 10 am PST deadline bc he slept through his alarm.)
This Hailey Bieber Skims photoshoot registers 6 AWOOGAs and 4 ‘tongue falling out of mouth as eyes pop out of their sockets’ on the Hummina Hummina scale. As always, all decisions are final and correct. Thank you.
Who is Today's Hump Day Hero?
HUMP DAY HIPPO SWALLOWING A CROC WHOLE
I genuinely had no clue that this was possible, but I shouldn’t be surprised. Every time I underestimate a hippo’s capability, they turn right around and surprise me by doing shit like slurp down an entire apex predator whole. That’s what I love about them. They are constantly subverting my expectations of what is possible for a semi-aquatic mammal.
Inspires me to start pushing myself more. I probably won’t but I’ll think about it.
STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY
It’s truly insane to think about all the things that Jonathan, the 194 year old tortoise, has lived through. Society may crumble but Jonathan persists.
Read this on your lunch break: Japan’s Post Office for Letters to the Dead.
Fired up that Danny McBride is writing a short story collection that’s right in line with Eastbound and Down and Righteous Gemstones. Reading is sick.
The guy who invented beer is a literal genius. It’s just like water, but good.
Just another reminder to send us mailbag questions and enjoy our previous iterations. Thank you.
This article actually convinced me to try out one of these Admin Nights with friends. Or at least consider thinking about trying it out (might need an admin night to pull the trigger.) Break the paywall here.
How the Crossword Conquered America is a great read.
It’s Hump Day. Fuck it. Best Cumtown moments compilation. Just to get us into the better part of the week.
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