Mbappe scores 2 goals in France win, moves within one of Messi’s total tournament mark. PS - I can’t imagine a more electric place than Mexico City right now. Turns out this strategy was 100% effective. Take notes, Seattle.
FDA authorizes Zyn-maker Phillip Morris to market product as ‘modified risk’ and less harmful than cigarettes. Finally, a win for Big Tobacco. Now that it’s not bad for you, I’m actually way less interested. Time to quit.
Professional Lacrosse League (PLL) lands $100M investment from group that includes Glen Powell & Rob McIlhenny, who got completely ruined by Ryan Reynolds and goes by Rob Mac now. This is the greatest day of Sheon’s life.
Parasite that causes ‘explosive diarrhea’ has spread to 20 states across the US, leading to loss of appetite, weight loss, and absolute porcelain paint jobs nationwide. Fellas - send that article to your girl, say ‘they probably ate your cooking’ and sit back and wait. Free game. Ladies love that stuff.
LeBron tells Lakers he will leave the team and play elsewhere next year. We’re in the middle of World Cup and Wimbledon but prepare for this to be the only thing on ESPN for the next 72 hours. Skip Bayless: now is your time.
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WHAT ELSE IS GOOD
I know this is sacrilege right now with the new Jackass coming out, but I may have to award Mariners 1B Josh Naylor the title of greatest prankster ever after this classic bit. Stabbing your teammate with a knife and lighting their apartment on fire is A+ stuff.
I can’t believe you fell for that prank of entering your own home and thinking no one had broken in and hid in your closet with a weapon 😂😂 😂 you goddam moron 😂😂😂😂😂
There’s talent and then there’s this kid who competed in the Yo-Yo finals in Vegas. Feeling inspired to pick up the disc and string and go get some reps in. Stay tuned.
Just remarkable stuff.
I’m in awe of this 96 year old woman who was threatened with eviction from her nursing home after throwing loud, alcohol-filled parties but ripped up the letter and said she’ll keep partying. Let her host a party at MSG this weekend instead of Taylor Swift.
This is a Daily Friday story if I’ve ever seen one. Wholesome old person continuing to party and do as they please in the face of tyrannical authority. All the ingredients I need
Mark this one under “unexpected but actually makes total sense when you think about it”: the actor who played Stanley in The Office has purchased a Honey Baked Ham restaurant in California. Next we need Kevin to start a Chili business.
Perhaps a pretzel store would make more sense based on the plot, but this feels like a strong character choice. PS - Stanley might be in my top 5 Uncs. Need to do more research and analysis, but I’d be surprised if he slips out of the top 10, at least.
Just some all-time body cam footage here of Diana Russini getting pulled over, name-dropping Vikings coach Kevin O’Connell to the cop and giving him an inside scoop that JJ McCarthy sucks to get out of a ticket. Don’t have to be an insider to know that, toots.
Btw - what a year for bodycam footage so far. Tiger Woods DUI. Iowa frat basement. Justin Timberlake’s arrest from last year. Just something I noticed. I see the entire chess board in ways that you guys simply don’t and I won’t apologize for that.
Who Was Today's Hump Day Hero?
DOC’S LOCKS
Big time shoutout to Hold the Phone, the world’s #1 betting show, which just hit 50k subscribers on YouTube. I would trust Dr. Locks and Glue Guy with my entire life.
Here’s some nice little picks to get you into the holiday weekend.
Leg 1: England vs. Congo: England ML. The curse has been lifted on Harry Kane by the Ghanian witch doctor. That’s all I need to hear. Book it.
Leg 2: Belgium vs. Senegal; Under 2.5 goals. It’s just crazy enough that it might work. It’s not that hard boys. Just keep it out of the net.
Leg 3: USA vs. Bosnia; USA ML. Was there ever any other choice here? This is our year and I’m not hearing anything otherwise.
These 3 legs are +245. Let’s start the weekend off on the right foot. Don’t overthink it.
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HUMP DAY HIPPO HISTORY LESSON
Not gonna lie, Bat Pot-Pie does sound pretty tasty.
Fun fact about America: in 1910, this glorious nation was experiencing a meat shortage (something your Mom has never had to deal with AYOOOO) and Louisiana Representative Robert Broussard came up with a bonkers solution: import and release hippos into the bayous to be a new food source. Galaxy brain idea.
He introduced the American Hippo Bill to Congress, which got support from Teddy Roosevelt, the Department of Agriculture and the New York Times - who called hippos ‘lake cow bacon.’ Awful. I’d rather eat human than hippo. Legitimately.
Thank god everyone realized that hippos were beautiful, soulful creatures with hearts of gold and super cute babies and the bill was never passed. Had that not happened, we could currently be living in a world where Hump Day Hippo does not exist as a newsletter segment, which I know is a world that no one would want to live in. Praise be.
STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY
These tips for beating a hangover at work are the only tips you’ll ever need in your entire goddam life.
Read this on your lunch break: What If Money Expired? (I actually really like this idea)
Finally: guy who left his baby in a hot car answers the Internet’s most viral questions about him. Game Stop is the real villain here.
7 Days at the Bin Store was a very fun read. Might have to go hit the junkyard this weekend just out of respect to the game.
Guy who hasn’t been to the doctor in 5 years is way too relatable for me to think about right now.
I swear to God, if I find out that crows aren’t actually our friends, I’m gonna lose it. If we can’t trust crows, who can we trust?
Pardon my corniness, but i liked this little blurb.
It’s Hump Day. Fuck it. Maradona’s legendary Live is Life warmup, with an extra sprinkle of his best goals and him reacting to Salt Bae. Legend.
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