American League wins MLB All-Star game, as Cody Bellinger becomes first Yankee to win MVP since his wife’s ex-bf. We also had an electric HR derby finish (dig the new format) and an awesome Sandlot tribute. Well done, MLB.
Diarrhea outbreak spreads across the country, as the parasite known as ‘cyclospora’ (insane name) is linked to produce and fruits. I’ve very Anti-Vegetables (they taste yucky and fill you up so you don’t have room for beef jerky) and Pro-Diarrhea (easier to wipe) for years, so this one is tricky for me.
Spain beats France to advance to World Cup final and face the winner of today’s Argentina and England game. I’m pulling for Argentina so we can have these two reconnect. Praying Messi will still recognize Yamil’s hog years later.
House votes to make Daylight Savings time permanent and keep the clocks shifted an hour ahead. Senate - please stop this. We can’t have it still be dark at 9 am and light at 6 pm. That’s when I do my best lurking.
12.5 foot tall T-Rex skeleton named Gus sells for $50.1M, the most expensive dinosaur fossil ever sold. Still not even close to Gary Trent Jr.’s contract. And good riddance. Averaging 8 ppg and 1.2 apg on 38% shooting is much more impressive than dying 67 millions years ago.
WHAT ELSE IS GOOD
Look, I’m as big an alien guy as they come, but it’s extremely hard to take this James Franco footage seriously. This is either a publicity stunt for some dumb movie or he’s just a moron who fell for a classic ‘pretend to be an alien to scare your buddy’ prank.
Me showing my roommates footage of them having a party without me and hooking up with girls in my bed while I was at the hospital for an upset stomach
Need to dig more into the dude who swam Niagara Falls, went over a 170-FOOT (???) drop & was totally fine. This cannot be possible, especially with no barrel. Suspicious.
Love the sass from these daredevils. We need more barrel stunts in today’s media climate
Assuming you guys are massive Australian women’s cricket fans, but if you’re not, a quick update: two players were married until one had an affair with ANOTHER player on the team. That’s so electric. I’m 90% sure this is why the 2019 Warriors broke up btw.
You can only get this mad at someone you are truly in love with, btw. I firmly believe that
Just in awe of Chuck Schumer, who appears to have fart-maxxed and flatulence-mogged the entire US Senate with one massive, stinking ass rip of a gas pass. GOAT.
This is why the NY Post is the best. No real journalistic standards, just ripping elite clickbait
Massive congrats to Mexico, who will finally get to taste authentic Mexican cuisine with the introduction of Chipotle to their glorious nation. We will not sleep until there is a Panda Express in China, a Jersey Mike’s in Italy and a Subway in every Subway.
Here’s a million dollar idea. Maybe even billion. Subway Takes but it’s in a Subway restaurant and they are eating sandwiches. But they have to finish the sandwich in 60 seconds so they’re just talking with their mouths full. All the takes can be about sandwiches. Quiznos sponsors it. Who says no?
Who's Your Hump Day Hero?
HUMP DAY HIPPO
All bow to the sacred Pottermus, one of the only hippo mascots in this entire broken world, and the pride and joy of Stoke, England, a land-locked farming village that has absolutely never had a hippo within 10,000 miles of it. At first glance, this mascot makes zero sense. However, after thorough research, I found the below explanation:
"Stoke is known as 'The Potteries' due to its major role in the pottery industry. Potteries/potters/hippopotamus...Pottermus. It kind of makes sense. Pottermus also has a girlfriend named Pottermiss."
I hate to tell you guys, but this is not an adequate explanation. I like hippos more than maybe anyone on this planet and even I think that's a stretch. British people truly are weird as fuck man.
STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY
I think we can all agree this office happy hour invite deserved a full breakdown. Absolute fumble by John here.
Read this on your lunch break: Backsliding: On the Paradox of Willpower.
This was just an electric piece of golf content from the boys. Gavin crashout counter was in the double digits.
This was a great read on the nostalgia for skill. Might just have to become a sculptor or build a cathedral to bring it all back.
As a massive fan of rage bait, I’ve been loving these guys videos. Shoutout Triple Coverage Spots.
Massive news - the Almost Friday TV team is making a feature film with Tyler Falbo called Boys for Life. This is gonna be a movie.
Plastic surgery has become a nightmare in America. Remove the paywall here.
It’s Hump Day. Let’s rip some of Tony Hawk’s greatest tricks to get us into the better part of the day.
Like our newsletter? You’ll love our podcast. Episodes out every Tuesday and Thursday, wherever you get your podcasts.
How Friday Was Today's Post?
