Sydney Sweeney secures funding for her lingerie line from Bezos, who may also make her the new Bond girl. Going to his wedding was a great financial move. Knew I shouldn’t have passed (had a ton of other stuff going on.)
Grok releases new AI companions that include a flirty anime character. No one in SF will ever leave the house again. This is the future we are looking at and it seems glorious (warning: odd content.)
NL wins All-Star game with HR derby tiebreaker, as Kyle Schwarber jacks 3 straight HRs during a swing off. Electric innovation. Almost makes up for the robot umpires coming for human umpire jobs (miss you Joe West.)
The ‘Fyre Festival’ brand was sold on eBay for $245k by Billy McFarland (can you even do that?), roughly 1% of what he owes his fraud victims. A journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step. Namaste Billiam.
No sports games in any of the 4 major leagues today, but at least we can watch the Angel Reese defend Shaq’s honor, professional pillow fighting highlights, and Shane Gillis hosting the ESPYs. Here’s some other ideas.
We have a new public enemy at Daily Friday HQ: Nick Cannon, father of 12 kids to 11 mothers, has decided to launch a relationship podcast in a pathetic attempt to overshadow the launch of the Daily Friday Podcast this Friday. Charlatan.
Please don’t let the coward win. Follow us, rate 5 stars, & tune in Friday. Remember: the only way to stop a bad guy with a podcast is slightly less bad guy with a podcast.
2025 EMMY’S BREAKDOWN
The 2025 Emmy nominations came out yesterday, and everyone in Hollywood is on my shit-list. This is exactly why God sent a flood to the Lincoln Square AMC. To curse your entire industry.
Before we dive into this, just a quick fact: my opinion is the only correct one. If you share different taste in TV than me, you are a bad person. Glad we cleared that up.
When you literally fix the entire aviation industry and don’t get a nomination because people can’t tell if you’re acting or just like that
Apple TV and HBO dominated the top of the leaderboard, as Severance led with 27 nominations, followed closely by HBO’s The Penguin with 24. I’ll allow it. Tied for third were The Studio (Entourage for nerds) and White Lotus with 23 nominations. I’m assuming one of those nominations was for Best Incest? The competition from House of the Dragon will be stiff. Literally.
Old people had their moment (finally) as Kathy Bates became the oldest best actress nominee for Matlock (people watch this?) at age 77, Harrison Ford gets his first nom at age 83 for Shrinking (Ted lasso but therapy) and Martin Scorcese got his first acting nom for his guest appearance in The Studio. Almost makes Megaslopolis worth it.
Biggest W of the list has gotta go to Survivor, for securing their 6th Emmy nomination after a fantastic season. Jeff Probst cried on camera! Give him his 5th trophy. One for the pinky.
Biggest snub? Nathan Fielder in The Rehearsal, as the show picked up 4 nominations but none specifically for his performance. Season 3 should be him learning how to get an Emmy. Clearly piloting a commercial airliner, forcing pilots to hang out and breast feeding from a gigantic doll was not enough.
Other stuff I’m mad about: no noms for the cast of Righteous Gemstones, more dick-sucking for The Bear (can someone explain why they treated this guy like an infant child the whole season?) and a complete disregard for Landman depicting a totally real world where insanely hottest people live in a middle class oil town. This scene alone deserved a nod.
FULL LIST OF NOMINATIONS HERE (how do these people have time to watch these shows?)
WHAT ELSE IS GOOD
Shoutout to Freakier Friday, who refused to engage in the ‘make it fuckable’ arms race that has plagued the popcorn bucket industry for years, and created one that body swaps the soda and popcorn containers (like how they body swap in the movie.) A+
Innovation that excites (this took me like 5 tries to figure out what this graphic meant but basically the soda container has popcorn in it and the popcorn container has soda in it, similar to how the Mom is in the Daughter’s body and vice versa. Capesh?)
Ahhh to be a retired man living at the Villages. Wake up, wash down your gonorrea pills with a big tall mimosa, yell at local teens for walking on your lawn, and then end the evening with early bird special at the new Hooters. Life frickin’ rules, man.
These men will singlehandedly bring Hooters out of bankruptcy. And that should be celebrated
Paranormal investigator dies while touring America with haunted Annabelle doll, just weeks after a New Orleans plantation fire was tied to the same doll. Can we just burn the doll to a goddam crisp and bury her ashes ASAP? Why would you fuck with this?
I’m sorry but WHAT would possess you to spend any amount of time with this doll? I really don’t fuck with this at all. Like, I’m nervous to even be publishing this image
World’s oldest marathon runner nicknamed ‘The Turbaned Tornado’ dies in hit and run accident at age of 114. RIP to a goddam legend who didn’t start running until age 89.
This is honestly making me pretty emotional. I fucking love you mr. tornado. Always will
Eric Andre says he once accidentally received oral sex from a male masseuse during a couple’s massage. Relatable.
TFW you just accidentally got sloppy top from a male masseuse during a couple’s massage
Who was today's Hump Day Hero?
LONGER BEER TOWER = LOWER GOLF SCORE
Simple. Pure. Pretty Drunk. The perfect recipe for elite golf content from the boys over at Friday Beers YouTube. Give it a watch.
HUMP DAY HIPPO
Had to bring back our most controversial segment for a very special occasion: Moo Deng has turned one year old. Where does the time go?
Since hippos live to be about 35-40, Moo Deng is technically around 2 years old in human years. Time to get a job.
In honor of this glorious day, here some fun facts about hippos, courtesy of one our most devoted hippo readers, Andrew B.
Fun fact: an adult hippo can eat a whole watermelon in one go.
Other fun fact: the average large size, whole watermelon weighs 20 lbs.
Yet another fun fact: the average chili dog weighs 10.5 oz.
Conclusion: A hippo can suck down 30.47 chili dogs per swallow.
A proposal for next year’s hot dog eating contest: Moo Deng vs. Joey Chestnut. Loser has to live in a zoo for a year. Who says no?
STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY
How does Max Zavidow consistently put out content to this level? GOAT. Genuine must watch content.
Read this on your lunch break: The Emojii Tongue.
Couldn’t relate to this Scottie Scheffler speech more. This is exactly how I feel after I send an email without typos for the first time in 11 weeks.
Mike Francesca did NOT like the new Superman movie. Maybe the greatest movie review I’ve heard in some time.
I’m sorry, Rolling Stone, but how do you rank the top 500 songs of all time and not include Levels by Avicii? You should all be de-platformed. Immediately.
Gotta tip the cap to this gentleman who spent 21 years building a 50 foot long, miniature building of New York City in his basement. Locked in.
It’s Hump Day. Let’s enjoy a little ride with this man who made his own airplane with a bicycle, ceiling fan and a bed sheet. Humanity can accomplish anything. Except create a form of government that allows the release of the Epstein lists.
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