Disney and ESPN lay off hundreds of employees, including an all-time hat guy and mascot slapper Cam Newton and white-wife hater Ryan Clark. At least they can finally pay McAfee enough money to buy some sleeves and fund his new music career. I actually refuse to believe that’s real.
Ella Langley ‘Choosin’ Texas’ makes history with 14th straight week at No. 1 on the Billboard Hot 100 list, tying Whitney Houston and Mariah Carey for longest ever among female non-holiday titles (nothing will ever touch this masterpiece.) I’m giving full credit to Rex Ryan. Need that shirt ASAP.
LeBron continues to delay free agency decision, though there are clues for those with the courage to see (or some Heat intern just got fired for fucking this up.) Mr. James, if you need help making a decision, we got you. Blessings.
France becomes first EU country to pass social media ban for children under 15. Thank god. I’ve been getting bullied by a French 8th grader named Pierre online for like 6 months now. Finally free. Suck it, Pierre.
Judge orders Paramount and Warner to halt merger for 2 weeks, as the $110B deal is paused after concerns about ‘extinguishing competition’ in Hollywood. Ugh, I guess we’ll just have to keep waiting for the Ellisons to control every single piece of content that hits our eyeballs.
BREAKING: we are having an absolutely fire Fire Sale of our merch, up to 75% off all these suckers. That’s a lot of percentage off. If you want your humble yet fearless newsletter to get a bonus, make sure you get this sick hat, this remarkable tote and this sticker for your laptop. Maybe my family will be able to eat this winter.
WHAT ELSE IS GOOD
It brings me a lot of joy as a Jets fan to see Brady’s complete and total fall-off in post retirement. The roast, Saudi flag league and Good Nut stuff were all embarrassing but this WWE Logan Paul “beef” takes the cake. I get why Giselle cheated on him.
Why are you doing this shit man? Chad Pennington would never
In case you’re wondering what biohacker Bryan Johnson has been up to since he got diagnosed with an incurable stomach disease, he has now created a ‘newborn clone’ of himself in a petri dish. Glad you learned your lesson about optimizing your life.
He’s inventing Benjamin Button from first principles (PS - the first time I saw this movie in theaters, my friend legitimately turned to me and asked if it was a true story halfway through. Like what?? what universe do you live in?)
A istened to the advice of a ‘vision’ that told him to buy a lottery ticket and ended up winning $500k. Wish I had visions like this . All I ever see are contextless situations involving family and friends that I repeatedly make wrong assumptions about and fail to alter, often in comedic way. It’s called That’s So Raven syndrome and it’s brutal.
One of the best theme songs to ever grace Disney Channel
Noah Kahan fans have now moved on from shitting themselves at his shows to simply pissing their pants and soaking everyone around them’s belonging in hot, steaming urine. Finally, a concert that’s worth the price of admission. I love a golden shower.
“And I love Vermont, but it’s the season of the piss and I saw your mom and then i pissed straight out my dick” - an example of how you can change the lyrics of Stick Season to Piss Season
Who's Your Hump Day Hero?
HUMP DAY HIPPO
They were absolutely wrong for this. Shame on this child and shame on the gentleman in the hat. The noble hippopotamus is a beast that should never be mounted. It should never be encaged or penned up like a common farm animal. It should be feared, freed and fostered. Every living mammal should bend the knee and respect its every whim, not riding it like a silly amusement park ride for the bourgeois.
I hate to wish death upon anyone, especially early 20th century aristocratic children, but I sincerely hope that this hippo threw the child off his back and tore him limb from limb. I’m sorry, it’s just how I feel and feelings are valid.
STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY
Two guys before the Odyssey was released in Athens 800BC was so good. Lost it at the streaming joke.
Read this on your lunch break: What Humanity Needs to Flourish in the Next Decade.
The world of sports card breaking has never been more electric. Tap in.
I had no idea that runners were becoming so goddam fast these days, including middle schoolers breaking 4 minute miles (!!!) and a British dude shattering the mile record last week. Good read from Wired.
Can you really reach anyone in 6 steps? This video actually blew my mind.
Ranking the 15 Best and Worst football coaches from movie history is the exact kind of longform we get through the afternoon. Thank you, The Ringer.
2026 First Team All Intern Names is just an excellent piece of content.
The Anti-Sunscreen Movement is coming. I may never be able to go outside again.
It’s Hump Day. Let’s fuck around on Internet History Roulette to get us to the better part of the week. Stay smiling.
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