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Ozzy Osborne dies at 76 after a battle with Parkinson’s, weeks after his final Black Sabbath. Genuinely incredible man who was an all-time musician, reality star, and friend to horses. Is he back as Aquaman Paytas??
House begins recess early to avoid Epstein list vote, as DOJ pushes Ghislaine to testify. Might pull that move when I don’t want to do a work project; just head out on vacation early & hope my boss forgets by the time I’m back.
South Park signs new $1.5 billion (!) deal with Paramount, will release 10 episodes a year over the next 5 years. I love that these guys are now some of the richest people in Hollywood. There is some good in the world.
FBI releases MLK Jr. files against the wishes of his family, a dump of 240,000 pages of surveillance files. Fuck it, at this point just release everything. I wanna know if there’s underwater civilizations and if the frogs do turn us gay.
China begins construction on world’s largest dam in Tibet, a $170B project in their push in renewable energy. I know beavers worldwide are jealous as hell right now. Sorry boys, sucks to suck.
THE TESLA DINER
A new SoHo House for Tesla owners just dropped in LA. LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.
This feels like something from Back to the Future
The Tesla diner opened in West Hollywood at 4:20 pm on Monday (in case you were worried Elon wasn’t involved in this process) as the perfect spot to eat and hang for a few hours while you charge your car. Modern problems require modern solutions.
It features the following amenities:
A drive-in theater with two 66-foot LED movie screens that will sync audio to your Tesla. Perfect for a date night. Hopefully they play ‘Cars’ and the Teslas get horny too. Sally Mustang is anyone’s type.
The menu has standard diner items like ‘Cybertruck burger boxes’ and ‘epic bacon’ in case you hate yourself. In fact, Elon said everything has to be ‘epic’ or it wouldn’t make the menu. Really curious what makes a Market Salad ‘epic’ if anyone wants to grab brunch and check it out this weekend.
It’s open 24/7, has 80 charging stations, and has popcorn served to you by a ‘humanoid robot.’ Generally prefer my popcorn served to me by a wildly uninterested human teenager, but I can be flexible.
If it’s successful, the company plans to roll it out to other cities nationwide. Sure, why the hell not? Maybe it’ll inspire Waymo to open their own dive bar where you can drink to exhaustion and not have to worry about driving home.
Look, I’m not a big fan of Elon’s choices the past few years, but this is a massive step in the right direction. Billionaires should stay out of politics and culture wars and stick to doing cool shit like this with your money. Be more Steve Ballmer than Bill Ackman, capesh? Thanks for listening.
WHAT ELSE IS GOOD
BIG day in new snack food innovations that could kill a Pilgrim child, as Liquid Death drops a Fruity Pebble flavored drink and Pop-Tart releases an ice cream sandwich. This may stun RFK Jr. so much that he starts talking in a normal voice.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my Liquid Death Fruity Pebbles and Pop-Tart Ice Cream Sandwiches
Fellas….are your balls feeling exceptionally long? You’re not alone. 15% of men are currently battling ‘summer long balls,’ where their sacks hang lower than usual due to hotter temperatures (opposite effect of shrinkage in the cold.) Find your community 🙏🏻
Poor Jose Altuve. His balls must scrape the ground during those Houston heat waves.
In more balls news, Chris Hughes says his new girlfriend, former lesbian and current pop star JoJo Siwa, has taken to calling his testicles Jimmy and Timmy. Generally, we all know way too much about each other but these two are an exception. We need more.
i get it. The Jimmy Neutron / Timmy Turn crossover episodes were awesome. This is the perfect way to honor them
It’s feeling like 2003 again: Lindsay Lohan is promoting a new Freaky Friday, Britney Spears is doing the VMAs, and Anne Hathaway is the hottest woman in human history. Fuck it, let’s invade Iraq. Just for old time’s sake.
Anne Hathaway is a vampire (complimentary)
Massachusetts man won $1M TWICE in one night after forgetting he’d bought another ticket with the same numbers earlier in the day. Fuckkkk I want dementia so bad now.
Yeah this exactly how I thought he’d look. Fuck yes
Who Was Today's Hump Day Hero?
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HUMP DAY HIPPO
It’s Shark Week and I’ve been pissed off since Monday.
No offense to our favorite sharks, but is there a more over-rated species on the planet? They can’t even walk on land, see out of their peripherals or treat Lava Girl with respect. They are the frauds of the ocean and have unfairly stolen the spotlight from Hippos. Don’t believe me? Here’s my Top 5 Reasons Hippos Are Better than Sharks.
Me when I see it’s Shark Week for the 5 billionth time
They can beat them in a fight. Easily.
They inspired one of the greatest hunger based board games of all-time. Sharks can barely read.
They are an incredible Christmas gift for any 1950s child.
They are much more delicious as a steak. Just saying.
They make a lovely table design. Imagine this but with a shark fin sticking out? I might throw up.
Down with Big Shark.
STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY
Nothing tickles me quite like Chad, JT and Strider doing movie quotes in public. The Good Will Hunting One got me good.
Read this on your lunch break: Doctors Were Preparing to Remove Their Organs. Then They Woke Up.
We are halfway through White Boy Summer, which means it’s time for some updated MVP odds. Just good, quality content here.
Why has no one invited me to the Appalachian Nudist Colony? Is it something I said?
If you got some time, Hunter Biden’s interview with Channel 5 news was actually an electric watch. No one else can cover the range of topics from crack vs. cocaine to what Democrats did wrong in 2024.
Not gonna find a better baseball clip than this one. Never gets old.
It’s Hump Day. Fuck it. 3 minutes of Blake Griffin’s 2012 Dunk Reel. Just to get you through your shit break at the office.
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