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Sydney Sweeney denim ad sparks backlash online surrounding great genes/great jeans pun. American Eagle: do the right thing and hire someone who is highly educated and passionate about all things jeans. We’ll wait.
First US transcontinental railroad is formed after Union Pacific & Norfolk Southern merger. Anyone else learn this during an FDR fireside chat? Time to put all my belongings in a bandana, tie it to a stick, and head West for gold.
Big day for celeb couples, as Liam Neeson & Pam Anderson find love (Liamela? Pameliam?,) Tom Cruise & Ana De Armas are 7th grade official, and Katy Perry and Justin Trudeau are perfect for each other. KD & Britney next?
China is paying people to have babies, will offer annual $500 subsidy to couples for first 3 years of a child’s life, in an attempt to fix slowing birth rate. Phillip Rivers would be a billionaire.
Man who killed 4 in NYC shooting was targeting the NFL, blamed them for his mental health issues after a history of concussions. Shoutout to Roca News for sitting down with Eric Adams within 24 hours of the crisis. Good interview.
GOLF: Gotta tip the cap to Phillippe Gariepy, who has been using an 18 inch “mini-putter” during a PGA Canada event and is currently at -3. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you abandon shame in your life.
There’s nothing mini about 18 inches. Just saying
NFL: More details emerge from Christian Wilkins, sources says he was cut from the Raiders for ‘playfully kissing’ his teammate on the head. My stance on this is totally dependent on which head it was.
Bucs rookie Desmond Watson is forced to walk laps at practice in a weighted vest to cut weight, as he tips the scales at over 450 pounds. Is this not exactly what he weighed when he was drafted? Get him on the Luka diet.
Will Levis’ shoulder is gnarly but nothing that can’t be fixed with a little mayo.
MLB: 🚨MID-GAME TRADE ALERT🚨 Reliever Seranthony (incredible name) Dominguez is traded from the Orioles to the Blue Jays in the middle of a double -header between the teams, simply switches dugouts. Great way to save on movers.
This has gotta be the worst call I’ve ever seen. Arrest that umpire and charge him with treason.
Bold prediction: Bryce Harper is going to kill Robert Manfred with his bare-hands within the fortnight. As is written.
NBA: Love the hustle from Marcus Morris. Stealing $250k from Vegas casino when you have over $100M in lifetime earnings is just doing fraud for the love of the game.
WNBA: Sparks half-time shows have become must-watch-TV. Never change.
BREAKING: Shrek misplaces dildo on the court during ATL-GSV game.
This is Martha May Whovier’s dream
DOC’S LOCKS
Let’s go back to basics. Here’s a three-leg parlay to feed families from Dr. Locks and Glue Guy.
TOTAL ODDS: +290 (Bet $10, Win $29)
Ohtani returns to the mound, we smash the Dodgers ML button. Very simple.
PICKS: Dodgers ML, Mariners ML, Giants ML.
Gambling problem? Call 1-800-GAMBLER (Available in the US) Call 1-800-327-5050 (MA)
*21+ only. Please Gamble Responsibly. Call 1-800-NEXT-STEP (AZ). First Bet Offer for new customers only. Subject to eligibility requirements. Bonus bets are non-withdrawable. See BetMGM.com for Terms. US Promotional offers not available in Ontario and Puerto Rico
WHAT ELSE IS GOOD
Rewind releases a new 9-volt battery flavored chip in the Netherlands to ‘capitalize on nostalgia.’ Finally, someone is capturing the feeling of licking a battery and jolting your entire body with tingly metallic sensations. Why is no one else doing this?
Nostalgia in Norway may be a little different than America. And that’s the beauty of this world.
New get rich quick scheme just dropped: a man is awarded $12,500 after Google Street View camera captures him naked in his yard. Perfect excuse to go streaking in my neighborhood tonight.
We’re going to make $12,500 tonight!!!!!
King of the Hill is returning, which means we’ll have new episodes of South Park, Futurama, Family and KotH airing at once for the first time since 2010. Nature is healing.
Let’s never make anything new ever again
The Astronomer CEO is now reportedly suing Coldplay for his viral Jumbotron moment. It’s not Coldplay’s fault you banged your employee. It’s your ADHD/neurodivergency/Mercury in retrograde/Obama/childhood trauma’s fault.
I’d like to stop posting about this story, but they keep sucking me back in. This is like Hawk Tuah but your parents know about it
Who Was Today's Hump Day Hero
Big investors are buying this “unlisted” stock
When the founder who sold his last company to Zillow for $120M starts a new venture, people notice. That’s why the same VCs who backed Uber, Venmo, and eBay also invested in Pacaso.
Disrupting the real estate industry once again, Pacaso’s streamlined platform offers co-ownership of premier properties, revamping the $1.3T vacation home market.
And it works. By handing keys to 2,000+ happy homeowners, Pacaso has already made $110M+ in gross profits in their operating history.
Now, after 41% YoY gross profit growth last year alone, they recently reserved the Nasdaq ticker PCSO.
Paid advertisement for Pacaso’s Regulation A offering. Read the offering circular at invest.pacaso.com. Reserving a ticker symbol is not a guarantee that the company will go public. Listing on the NASDAQ is subject to approvals.
HUMP DAY HIPPO
Pablo Escobar’s been called many things. Druglord. Philanthopist. Ruiner of Vinny Chase’s career. Chubby in a cute way. The list goes on and on.
But there’s one name that he never gets called enough: Father of Hippos. And that’s a damn shame.
Me when my boy pulls out a fat bag at the pregame (I’m a hippo raised on Pablo Escobar’s compound and addicted to cocaine now.)
This man had the courage to bring four hippos to his drug compound in Colombia and let them roam free, breed extensively, and become an invasive species that now must be hunted to extermination. A legacy that will last forever.
STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY
Bar Specials That Don’t Exist. Absolute banger.
Read this on your lunch break: You’ll Never Starve in America if You’re Shameless.
Nothing but respect for this guy putting together an elite mini-hoop mixtape on Day 51 of his wife being away. One of one.
The “Most Generous Man in New York” donated millions to the Met. It was stolen. Modern day Robin Hood?
BREAKING: you don’t actually need 10k steps a day to be healthy. 7-8k will do. LFG!!!!! (still not cracking 4 digits)
In honor of Cameron Brink returning to the WNBA after a 14 month ACL recover, let’s bring back this all-time classic. Trophy husband to a woman pulling in $75k a year is every man’s dream.
It’s Wednesday. Let’s allow ourselves to be inspired by this gentleman who folded a fitted sheet in front of thousands of people. A true hero.
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