Coast Guard rescue swimmer Scott Ruskan saves 165 kids from the Texas flood, is officially the Daily Friday hero of the year. Impossible to not be impressed by this guy.
TSA will no longer make you take your shoes off at security, in a move to reduce the screening process and wait times. Please make it illegal to take them off on the plane as well. Some of you need some Stanley Yelnats Sploosh.
AI imposter of Secretary of State Marco Rubio has been contacting US and foreign officials over the phone. You know our officials are too old when they’re falling for AI phone scams like my grandma. Get those term limits going ASAP.
The Philly Trash Strike has finally ended, as agreement is reached between sanitation workers and city. 8 days of hot garbage rotting in the sun and that city smelled exactly the same. Crazy. Life imitates Always Sunny once again.
Twitter chat-bot Grok goes full Kanye mode after new update to ‘anti-woke’ the bot backfires. Meanwhile, CEO Lindy Yaccarino stepped down this morning after two years on the job. Strange, I wonder why?
Fun Fact: today will be the shortest day in recorded history. Thank god. I need it to be over ASAP after hearing the love of my life Jennifer Aniston is now dating a hypnotist. Please release her from your spells, you warlock.
GEN Z INVENTS VACATIONS
Wanted to give a brief, yet meaningful shoutout to Gen Z, which reportedly has introduced something called ‘micro-retirements’ to the workplace. This is when you take 2 weeks off of work and travel. Incredible concept.
Me on my way to micro-retire at the Margaritaville cruise
If you’re keeping track, Gen Z has now introduced the following things to the modern workplace (at least according to “publications” like Business Insider and Forbes.)
Micro-Retirements: I appreciate the reframing of ‘using your PTO’ as ‘leaving the workforce temporarily.’ Way more freeing
Quiet Quitting: also known as doing the amount of work you are paid to do.
Fucking in the Office: 38% of Gen Z apparently want in-office sex to be an acceptable thing. Always has been. Just watch Suits.
Quick story: few years back, I worked for a company that was in a WeWork, and I walked into a meeting room and two 40-somethings from another company were making out on a couch. They asked me to leave and I said I'd booked the room so they left and I had a Zoom call in there. It was cool.
Loud Quitting: Ari Gold invented this, not Gen Z.
Oversharing at Work: we’ve all been there. The hardest skill in any job is figuring out how to share enough information so people know you are normal and not enough so you don’t get sent to HR. Learned ability.
Look, I believe that children are the future. So in defense of the lil pipsqueaks who just trying to exist: people have been doing all these things for years. Ever since God invented shareholders, we have slacked off, talked about our personal lives, or done hand-stuff with our coworkers in the break room. Romeo and Juliet were coworkers, for crying out loud (not sure if this is true, never actually read it.) Everyone just relax.
Let’s focus on things Gen Z actually did invent, like Labubus and Benson Boone. Can someone please explain those ASAP?
LONG LIVE LONG DRINK
Do you feel that? That sun on your face? That whisper in the wind? That rumbling in your gut that tells you that tonight just might be the best night of your life?
That feeling is called summer. More specifically, a Long Drink Summer. It’s the greatest feeling in the world and it can only be experienced by doing one thing: sipping on Long Drinks until the sun goes down.
Here’s some quick stats for all you math people out there. This sucker has 0 Sugar. 0 Carbs. 99 calories. 100% chance of having an all-time night without feeling like an all-time bag of shit for what you put into your body. Does it get any better than that?
So what are you waiting for?
WHAT ELSE IS GOOD
Life lesson: if you are on a golf course with a former NHL enforcer, do NOT pick a fight with him. He will rag-doll you and scream BANG! every time he punches you like he’s in an Adam West Batman movie.
Solid 5 feet of distance here while tossing a grown man. Gotta respect him continuing to get up after this.
DISGUSTING. Baby takes their first steps during a crawling contest, a completely illegal move that ruins the sanctity of the entire sport. Life-time ban please.
Mark McGwire pumped full of steroids jacking HRs is less fair than this baby walking during a crawling contest.
Kids have been winning the Big Texas Steakhouse challenge, as 11, 14, and 15 year olds have inhaled 72 oz of ribeye in past weeks. The next generation is in good hands.
Reminds me of the time I ate 1.5 Porthouse Steaks and drank 11 Old-Fashioneds when I was 22 years old and on my first work business trip. Consumption vortex.
Inaugural Mommy of the Week has gotta go to Sofia Vergara. I hope this divorce revenge tour never ends. It’s good for all of us.
This is just like a cartoonish body to have at the age of 52
Boyfriend of the year continues competing at fitness event while paramedics treat his passed-out girlfriend. Can’t believe she’d pass out while he was mid-race like that.
I’m sure they’ll tell this story at their wedding one day
Who Was Today's Hump Day Hero?
WE SURVIVED A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE
If there’s anyone that can survive this, it’s Will, Liam and Billy. Banger of a video over on Friday Beers YouTube today. Watch it on your lunch break if you must.
STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY
I’m officially all in on the Mountain Dew conspiracy theory. Please no more new flavors, Mr. Dew. We can’t take any more.
Read this on your lunch break: Conversations with a Hit Man.
Shoutout to the Giants for stepping up with a walk off inside-the-park home run last night to get us through the dog days of summer. Absolutely electric.
Thank you to my favorite newsletter The Pioneer for putting me on to Jordan Stone edits. Sublime-ass content. This one went insanely hard.
Are you currently experiencing Posting Ennui? I certainly am.
It’s simple. Sahib Singh posts a video, I share that video here. Another banger this week.
I need to spend more time with Kamala Harris is she’s gonna drop takes like this. Confirmed alien.
How Friday Was Today's Post?
