Penn State frat busted for cocaine trafficking, as the operation spearheaded by ‘Pablo Pledgescobar’ made pledges cut and bag drugs as initiation. Daily reminder it’s always worth committing a felony to join the 4th best fraternity on campus. Let’s change that mascot to the Nittany Lines ASAP.
More foods get recalled due to glass contamination (???) and salmonella and listeria outbreaks, as the list of recalled foods now exceeds 150+ items. At this point, the only thing that’s safe to consume is original Four Loko. As is written.
NL MVP race heats up, as Cub’s CF Pau Crow-Armstong hits his 5th HR in the last 3 games while Shohei hits his 30th HR and could return to pitch this season. Can we add Tatis to the list for this play alone? Got me more fired up than drinking one of these bad boys. Ready to run through a goddam wall.
A monkey that escaped a wildlife park returned home, as 5 year old macaque named Luka finds his way home a day after escaping into the wild. Freedom’s nice, but there’s comfort in the prison we know. I feel that, brother.
Historic North Korean heat-wave has led to fantastic medical advice, as residents are advised to drink 1 liter of beer every day to cool down. Well, it’s certainly better than dog meat soup I guess. This is the health advice I need.
WHAT ELSE IS GOOD
Thank you to the good folks at BuzzBalls, who have continued to innovate beyond belief with new S’more and Brown Sugar Cinnamon Pop-Tart flavored drinks. Finally, we’ve found somethign we can actually consume in 2026 without worry. Feels good.
Next year, Pop-Tart should come out with Buzzball Pop-Tart flavored Pop-Tarts and then in 2027, Buzzball can make Buzzballs of the Buzzball Pop-Tart flavored Buzzballs and we can continue on until the world explodes
Apparently, the reason you’ve seen more and more of NFL players WAGS at training camp is due to a marketing psy-op by the league to appeal to female fans more. Well, it worked on me too. I’m extremely ok with seeing this kind of stuff more. I’ll admit that.
I’m supposed to be mad about this?
We have an all-time hoss joining the MLB this season, as the Giants have called up 270 pound left-hander Matt ‘Tugboat’ Wilson. This is why baseball rocks.
A big boy named Tugboat has no choice but to succeed. This is basically a guaranteed lock.
I don’t always find myself taking the side of the Florida man in these stories, but I gotta side with this dude who threw dog shit at his neighbor’s front door after the neighbor’s dog pooped in his lawn. He’s just returning it back to it’s rightful place.
He called the shit poop!!!
Who's Today's Hump Day Hero?
PAPER TOWL DISPENSER AT HOME
This one comes from our good friend Bobby from Could Be the Move. Subscribe to his newsletter here for gold in your inbox every Friday.
Glad this puppy hit my radar. At first, it just made me giggle. The optics of walking into a place and seeing a Cheesecake Factory paper towel dispenser hanging out in a 2-bed/2-bath are incredible. The wow factor and post-wash excitement your guests get to experience is enough of a W for me to consider this an incredible Move.
Sooner or later though, the wow factor and post-wash excitement will fade. The honeymoon phase will conclude and you’ll be face-to-face with this hunk of a kitchen appliance for years to come. With all that being said… this Move is still a bucket.
So many intangibles.
- There’s a 0% chance you’re not saving money on paper towels.
- Avoid the sloppy paper towel rip. You know when you’re looking for one paper towel and end up with 1.17. Next paper towel up is only at 83%… Hate that shit.
- Avoid that moment your hands are covered in, let’s say buffalo sauce, and your hand grazes the top of the roll. Now each paper towel coming from said roll will have a slight remnant of buffalo sauce on it. Can’t have that, and you won’t! Not with this bad boy. Just a quick wave. Paper towel. Bang.
Only real downside here is it might be a son of a bitch to move. Little damage on the walls going from place to place. Shoot, if a 30-minute caulk job is one of the bigger cons you face… feel like you’re on to something.
What a Move. Big fan.
- Bobby D
HUMP DAY PYGMY HIPPO BIRTH AT THE TORONTO ZOO
Title says it all. We are slowly but surely keeping the endangered pygym hippo race alive with zoo births, this time courtesy of the gorgeous, 20 year old new mother named Kindia and 31-year-old father Harvey (no relation to Weinstein.) Don’t love that age gap, but I try not to judge other people’s relationships.
No word yet on what they’re calling the little pipsqueak. I have a few thoughts but feel free to send over your suggestions. I’ll consolidate and send to the zoo in one email. Thx in advance.
STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY
This gorgeous music video changed my life. There is no love in life like the love one has for a canned, neon green, citrus-flavored soft drink.
Read this on your lunch break: The Phone Scammers Next Door.
Internet Hate Commenter guessing his favorite hate comments is an incredible video. Excellent work.
New business model unlocked and it selling people their own family’s lost photos. Very solid read. (Break the paywall here.)
I could spend an entire afternoon watching Wet Hot American Summer clips on this thread. And honestly, I just might.
God bless this reporter who spent 8 hours bingeing AI television and lived to tell the tale. This is the kind of long form I need. Break the paywall here.
Some of you would thrive on Master Cuck. That’s a compliment.
Why the most urgent threat to America is actually a bee. Brian Phillips strikes again.
It’s Hump Day. Mike Alstott highlights to get us into the better part of the week. Run the damn ball.
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