Cracker Barrel has caved to the pressure and is switching their logo BACK to the original. I guess bullying works. Maybe we’ll finally get our sexy green M&M back next. #MakeMascotsFuckableAgain.
NFL cut day arrives, as the Bucs waive an all-time unit, Tommy Cutlets rides off into the
sunsetJersey swamp, and Hunter Renfrow bites the dust. Anyone who can actually keep up with all of the moves deserves this shirt.Tragedy has struck at Burning Man, as the ‘Orgy Dome’ has been destroyed by high winds. You might as well cancel the entire event. What’s the point of even going if you can’t swap body fluids with the worst people on the planet?
Spotify adds new DMing feature that lets users message each other within the app. Perfect, now I can start a group chat and stay in touch with my close personal friends the Lipas (happy belated to Dua btw.)
The Powerball is up all the way to $815 million, now the seventh-largest prize in lottery history. Officially enough to buy Juan Soto from the Mets and sit him for the rest of his career. Here’s what else we’d spend it on.
BILLIONAIRE TO MARRY PODCASTER
The world’s most famous pop star is getting married to the world’s most famous vaccine commercial actor. I’m not crying, you’re crying.
Look, I get it. It’s annoying to hear about this constantly, especially when every goddam brand or sports league is posting about it. Even Trump’s getting grilled on it.
But the fact is, this a melting pot of so much different shit that is fun to discuss online, that it’s just inevitable. Swifties are insane. The Kelces are an entire economy now. The Chiefs are the greatest dynasty of the 2020s. Brittany Mahomes is annoying. Etc.
It’s going to be talked about and saying “I don’t get why this is news” is just being intentionally obtuse. Capesh? Anyways, here’s my initial thoughts on the matter.
Hell yeah
The Instagram caption of ‘Your english teacher and your gym teacher are getting married’ is insane Tami and Eric Taylor erasure. Also, historically, gym-English teacher is not the greatest pairing in the world. It’s also hilarious that she has to copost with an account called ‘killatrav’ on what will be the most liked post of all time. Never change Travis.
Personally, can’t wait to see what happens at this wedding, which could be bigger than a Royal Wedding. Andy Reid enacting Prima Nocta. Wildly controversial groomsmen. If it’s anything like the Bezos wedding, Sydney Sweeney will have the pleasure of getting hit on by Tom Brady. Lucky.
This could be the greatest marketing idea for her new album of all time.
There has been a LOT of melting down online by Swifties, but the clear winner is the /gaylor subreddit. Yes, this is a Reddit group dedicated to a theory that Taylor is gay. I’d argue that this is a rational response to the engagement news if you truly believe that. This is an all-time take.
I’m just thinking of all the boyfriends out there today. Stay strong.
(NO) SUMMER SCARIES
Anyone else notice that August gets no respect as a summer month? It makes me bonkers mad.Every time I see these posts about cozy season or pumpkin spice lattes, I start to get major Sunday Scaries vibes. Newsflash: summer is not even close to over. Everyone chill out.
Thank god for Shake Shack. They’re on a mission to fight off the Summer Scaries and milk every last drop out of our precious summer. We don’t deserve you, Shake Shack.
From August 21st through September 1st, Shake Shack is treating you to a Free Summer BBQ Sandwich with $10 minimum purchase. Just as a little treat to keep those summer vibes going.
Personally, I’m gonna be hammering that Carolina BBQ Burger. Sweet, tangy, delicious. What else do you need?
WHAT ELSE IS GOOD
NEW DREAM JOB ALERT: trainers at a French marine park have been sexually stimulating a male orca to prevent it from breeding with his mother. Nothing like going to years of marine biology school just to jack off a whale 5 days a week.
Me when i spend 8 hours a day cranking an orca’s hog to absolute smithereens
Former NBA player Rajon Rondo has spent his retirement fulfilling every man’s dream: becoming the #1 flag football player in America. Fuck yeah, Rondo.
Imagine trotting out for your weekend flag football game and NBA champion Rajon Rondo is pressing you in man coverage and slinging dimes.
Tonight, we let the Labuzzy talk. The modern world is full of wonders as always.
what a moment in time this will be in like 10 years
Will Smith is in hot water for using AI videos to create fake hyped crowds at his concert. He definitely got the idea from watching videos himself eat spaghetti.
These videos are the only way i can get hard anymore. Most women don’t really seem to get that.
Who is today's Hump Day Hero?
NEW FALL DROP
God, these are glorious
This might be my favorite drop we’ve ever had. Get ‘em while they’re hot. The entire collection is incredible, but this one has gotta be my favorite.
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STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY
Eilise’s new video is a brutal watch as always. Thank you for your service.
Read this on your lunch break: A24’s empire of auteurs.
This sounds like the greatest drinking game of all time. Pulling this one out this weekend big time.
101 Best Movie Performances of the 21st century is a great way to kill an afternoon in the cubes. Michael Keating in The Other Guys was snubbed.
I’m a sucker for a good high school highlight tape. This kid’s was incredible.
Was the Coldplay kiss camera the best thing that happened to Astronomer? Their new CEO won’t say.
It’s Hump Day. Time for 7 minutes of Tony Soprano’s best moments. Just run the damn ball, boys.
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