Salmonella outbreak is possibly linked to Chipotle, as the chain pulls jalapenos from its stores amid investigations. Can we eat anything anymore?This is what happens when we have the Throat GOAT running the HHS.
Major moves during final hours of MLB trade deadline shake up last month of the season, as the Red Sox pick up Adley Rutschman (they’re stockpiling hot sisters over there), the Cubs get every pitcher in the entire world and the Mets are really going to suck now. PS- maybe the Dodgers are not invincible?
Bra-padding scandal hits Women’s Tour De France, as riders allegedly faked cup size for aerodynamic advantages. After Penisgate in Olympic skiing, it was high time the ladies got equal representation. Feminism W.
Spiderman hits $1B in ticket sales in just six days, the second-fastest movie to do so. Cool but I’m still more impressed by whoever ripped such rancid ass that it cleared out an entire theater. A life-altering fart. Jealous.
Myspace may return soon, according to platform owners Chris and Tim Vanderhook, who purchased the company from former star Justin Timberlake (he’s white, btw.) Hit me up if you want to be in my top 8. Spots are going fast.
WHAT ELSE IS GOOD
Absolutely love this promotion from Akron, who is giving one lucky season ticker holder the chance to call all the plays on their opening drive against Robert Morris this year. We’re about to run more fake punts than you’ve ever seen in your entire life.
Me when the Akron QB audibles out of my 9th consecutive fake punt of the drive
I’m as horny as the next guy. Honestly, I’m much hornier. But even I’m not as horny as Colin Cowherd thirsting over an 85 year Donna Mills joining OnlyFans. Respect.
I see the vision Colin. I will follow you into the storm
Here’s a headline: female guard accused of having sex with prisoner in the same jail Diddy is being housed in. Seems like the baron of baby oil’s influence is growing.
Good for her. It’s hard to find love in this world and sometimes you gotta look in places you’d never suspect. Love is love.
We got a good old fashioned Mexican baseball brawl, with a sucker punch getting sucker punched. This feels like an Eastbound storyline that was cut for time. Life rocks.
Mama freaking mia. These dudes don’t fuck around
Who's Your Hump Day Hero?
HUMP DAY HIPPO HUG
Some wholesome hippo content for you guys this week. It’s easy to get bogged down in the monotony of life and the stresses of modern society. Let’s focus on what really matters in that broken world. Find that special hippo in your life and hold them close.
STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY
Let’s throw it back to Billy and Liam taking shrooms at an abandoned and haunted insane asylum. All time video.
Read this on your lunch break: The end of search on Google and the Internet in general.
Jack Raines writes one of my favorite newsletters Young Money and just dropped a book on how to navigate life in your 20s. It’s a banger. Get it.
Bedtime Breaks is my new favorite series. I need to get into the card game. Bad.
What if Freud was right is a great read. Break the paywall here.
I could watch these JR Smith highlights for the rest of my life. What a goddam legend.
Man, this is a brutal read about how rogue officers turned Flock, the nationwide camera system, into a tool for stalking. We need better people in charge. It’s not gonna be me, but someone step up. Break the paywall here.
Can they please bring Portlandia back? We need it now more than ever.
It’s Hump Day. Eastbound and Down outtakes to take us into the better part of the week. Life is good.
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