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We have a WNBA green dildo crisis on our hands, as a THIRD dildo has hit the floor, while a fourth just missed the court. Could be a psyop by Big Dildo to increase sales during Q3. Everyone stay woke. This was certainly a take.
Ice Cube’s War of the Worlds gets 0% on Rotten Tomatoes, is considered the worst movie in years. I watched it and will be reviewing on Friday’s podcast to save you all the trouble. Let’s fund Heat 2 instead of stuff like this.
Howard Stern Show to be cancelled after 20 years on SiriusXM, as his whopping $500M contract comes to an end. Beetlejuice’s retirement was the beginning of the end. Show just wasn’t the same without him.
Tesla gives Elon $29B pay package to stay focused, will only vest if he stays for at least 2 years. Can’t see this helping his popularity, but he’s already the most hated man in the world. Might as well lean in.
NUCLEAR REACTOR ON THE MOON WILL SAVE HUMANITY
Yesterday, it was reported that Sean Duffy, the head of NASA, has directed the agency to fast-track plans to put a nuclear reactor on the moon, as part of our ‘new Space Race’ with China and Russia. Hell yeah. Oppenheimer 2 is going to slap.
If all goes well, we should be up and running by the mid 2030s (about halfway through Juan Soto’s Mets contract) which means we are roughly 10 years away from completely fucking this up, going full Chernobyl-mode and blowing up the moon.
But would that really be such a bad thing? Based on brief, yet meaningful, 10 minute Google, there are 4 things that will happen without a moon, all positive. LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.
Can’t wait until we get companies slapping their logos on the moon. Luna Bars needs to drop a fat bag.
No more tides. Oh noooo no more tides wahhhh. I don’t really give a fuck. Sure, we’ll probably lose booze cruises but we’ll also lose the #1 breed of man guaranteed to steal your girl: unemployed surfers. Count that as a win.
Earth’s rotation speeds up, making the days shorter. I’m already overwhelmed by 24 hours in a day. Plus, I’ve been counting down the days until the Odyssey movie comes out, so that should speed up this timeline. W.
Stronger winds and more unstable climate: Stronger winds will make flights faster, so you can fly to Thailand to find a gf in wayyy less time. Bad climate means you have more weather-based excuses to miss work. Again, not seeing an issue here.
No more werewolves: No more moon = no more full moons = no more shapeshifting humans who suffer from a mythical curse and/or affliction. A world without werwolves is a world I want to live in. I don’t care how good they are at baseball.
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NFL: The NFL has reportedly BANNED smelling salts from sidelines. Dark day in American sports. Hopefully they’ll allow cocaine as a fair trade off.
Bring Back Salts.
Shedeur Sanders named QB1 in Cleveland for the first preseason game, though he is currently 4th on the depth chart. Buckle up for an entire year of this being covered 24/7 on First Take. This is our lives now.
Thanks for this advice Tom Brady. Reminds me of when our intern asked if we’d considered increasing our revenue while decreasing costs. Never thought of that.
Scott Hanson has confirmed he will return as host of NFL Red Zone, so the merger with ESPN can’t be that bad. Littleeee strange that a sports league will own 10% of a broadcasting company that also has a sportsbook, but that’s just life in America.
BASEBALL: Gotta be a little disheartening to throw a 104 MPH fastball and have it get sent 400 feet into left field. Faster it comes in, the faster it goes out.
Genuine chills watching this Schwarber HR.
Now this is how you do a mound visit. Doesn’t matter that the kid gave up a grand slam on the next pitch. Those are minor details.
A 2-run suicide squeeze bunt in the Japanese baseball league is what the game is all about.
BASKETBALL: Wemby has gone from training with monks, to playing soccer with teens in Costa Rica, to training with Kevin Garnett. All-time off season.
If Wemby starts head butting hoops, it’s all over
WHAT ELSE IS GOOD
Shoutout to Frida, who developed ice cream in everyone’s favorite flavor: breast milk. Finally, a new product for Sydney Sweeney to promote. Can’t wait for that campaign.
This has gotta be a Nathan Fielder scheme for viral marketing for a Homelander spin-off, right?
A Danish zoo is asking people to donate their unwanted pets to help feed their captive predators. That’s disgusting. Those pets should go directly to the people of Springfield, Ohio so they can have a square meal.
Can’t believe this was less than a year ago. Truly a moment in time
There are moments in life when a clip graces your timeline that fundamentally changes who you are as a person. This clip of an eSports crashout is one of those moments.
Me when my boy says he doesn’t read the Daily Friday newsletter or even watch/listen to the Daily Friday Podcast, found anywhere you listen to your podcasts.
A gigantic 22 pound rat was found in a British home, which authorities say is ‘not a one-off.’ Very comforting. Generally rats and England go together perfectly.
Feed this to the Dutch zoo animals and they won’t go hungry for weeks.
Brief vibe shift to appreciate the Margaret Qualley Cosmo cover. Glad to see they’ve evolved with the times and are now doing ‘Gooning on the First Date’ quizzes.
This is true journalism. Thank you Cosmo
Who Was Today's Hump Day Hero?
Big investors are buying this “unlisted” stock
When the founder who sold his last company to Zillow for $120M starts a new venture, people notice. That’s why the same VCs behind Uber and eBay also backed Pacaso. They made $110M+ in gross profit to date. They even reserved the Nasdaq ticker PCSO. Now, you can join, too.
Paid advertisement for Pacaso’s Regulation A offering. Read the offering circular at invest.pacaso.com. Reserving a ticker symbol is not a guarantee that the company will go public. Listing on the NASDAQ is subject to approvals.
STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY
Finally. A new WhatsNext has hit the timeline. Christmas morning.
Read this on your lunch break: You Are Contaminated.
Nobody is hooping right now quite like the Jewish Jordan.
Much respect to the person who replied to a scammer job recruiting text, took the actual job, and lived to tell the tale. Top-notch journalism.
Guy who moved to Bushwick, Brooklyn from the Midwest is an absolute banger. Need 8 episodes of Demon Twink Dan.
Joey Mulinaro can’t stop making extremely accurate videos. Took me right back to 2011 (here’s my Hudl if you even care 😔)
It’s Hump Day. Let’s bring it home to the better half of the week with Theo Von’s interview with the Rizzler. Incredible content.
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