RIP to Robert Redford, actor, director and inventor of the Sundance Film Festival (shoutout Queens Boulevard), who passed away at age 89. A legendarily handsome man who also is NOT Zach Galifanakis. GOAT.
US and China reach ‘framework’ of a Tik-Tok deal, involving Oracle (owned by richest man alive Larry Ellison) and PE firms that could allow the app to stay in the US, though on a new platform. The Ellison’s own our eyeballs.
Shohei Ohtani hits his 50th HR on the same night he throws 5 no-hit innings. Honestly, this guy can do whatever financial fraud he wants. He’s so good, I simply don’t care (life lesson in there for all of you.)
LimeWire acquires the Fyre Festival IP for $245k as part of their larger NFT project, asks in their statement ‘what could go wrong?’ What’s next, Napster buys Theranos and appoints the Tinder Swindler as CEO? Scammers are back.
Tom Brady will be playing in a flag football tournament in Saudi Arabia with other active and retired players, in an effort to bring the sport to the Middle East ahead of its Olympic debut in 2028. Save some for the rest of us, dude.
STONE SKIMMING SCANDAL
This week, shocking news rocked the competitive stone skimming nation: we have officially entered the Steroid Era of stone skimming. Is nothing sacred anymore? LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.
The Ring of Truth
Every year, the Stone Skimming World Championships are held in the Scottish island of Easdale, which is home to just 60 people all year round. Hinge has to be an absolute nightmare there. Even Robert Redford would struggle.
This year, over 2,200 people showed up from 27 countries to compete for the title and a grand prize of $0. The rules of the competition are simple:.
Each stone must come from naturally occurring island slate (aka you gotta find your own stone)
It must fit through the “Ring of Truth” to make sure it’s not too large and must be approved by Dr. Matthews, the “Toss Master.” I might need to see that dudes degree, but I’ll allow it.
Each throw must bounce on the water at least twice. Longest throw wins.
The scandal this year? Several competitors ground their stones into “suspiciously circular” shapes for an added advantage. For shame. That’s exactly like deflating your footballs slightly: a disgusting, pathetic act that will prevent you from going to Heaven (fuck the Pats.)
The cheaters were sufficiently reprimanded (they said ‘sorry’ and everyone was like ‘yeah it’s fine, just don’t do it again) but the damage is done. A once-great sport has been dirtied by greed and envy. I’m sick to my stomach.
The only ray of light in this dark situation? There is still an incredible stone thrower who throws his stone with integrity: Kurt Steiner, owner of the world record 88 skip throw (!!!) Legitimately insane to watch. Kudos to you, sir.
LET’S LUCY
Look how happy this guy is. Just saying
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WHAT ELSE IS GOOD
I get stealing is a “crime” but if you can pull of a heist like this fella who scuba’d up to a Disney Springs restaurant, stole $20k from the register, and scuba’d away, you should get to keep the money. Kind of the whole point of getting your scuba license.
Scuba outfits are actually pretty sick bandit garb. Never really thought about that
A zoo had to ban visitors from showing a baby chimp viral videos because it became obsessed and developed anxiety and health problems. Welcome to the good life, baby chimp. Just wait until you dip into Italian Brain rot and your snuff video era.
Even chimps need limited screen time, unless it’s Miss Rachel or the Daily Friday podcast of course
I’m very excited for the pivot of the Cleveland Indians Steamers Guardians Jose Ramirez into a media personality. Dude is legitimately hilarious.
These are just good, solid bits right here.
Thank you to Sophie Rain, the OnlyFans star who pulls in more than Lebron every year, for starting a ‘Gooning for Good’ fundraiser. I’ve been Gooning for Bad for years now and I’d like to make a change. It’s heroes like you who give me faith in the world.
Instead of donating the money, can she just pay back people who’ve had to dip into their 401k for subscriptions? Asking for a friend.
Who Is Today's Hump Day Hero
HISTORICAL HIPPO ADJACENT MAN OF THE WEEK
We’re interrupting our regularly scheduled hippo content to grace your email inbox with the remarkable hippo-sized man, affectionately called George "Fatty" Hackett, who clocked in at a remarkable 450 pounds in 1908. For context, this is how much Fiona the Hippo weighed at 7 months. Someone put a bat in that chick’s hands ASAP.
The amount of fabric required to cloth this man is remarkable
Can we briefly talk about how the concept of nicknaming a 450 pound guy “Fatty”?? It’s perfect. I miss the era of extremely on-the-nose nicknames. Things were simpler back then: you look at a fella, notice one trait about him, and then call him that for the rest of his life.
If I was alive back then, I’d probably have some cool name like “Horny” or “Alcoholic” or “Chronically depressed with poor posture guy.” That’d be awesome.
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STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY
A new hero has entered the Friday Beers D&D campaign. The prince who was promised.
Read this on your lunch break: Welcome to the Turbulent Twenties.
If the Hunger Games Was a Musical is a banger.
Extremely jealous of the people who got to attend Peter Thiel’s Antichrist talks and lived to tell the tale. Just a remarkable time we’re living in.
Honestly, these Learning with Lyrics videos are the only way i’m able to absorb information any more. Had no idea that AirPods worked like that. Maybe it’s worth the price to be fair.
It’s Hump Day. Fuck it. 16 minutes of Allen Iverson high school football highlights. Just because.
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