MLB playoff race heats up, as the Guardians storm back from a 12.5 game deficit just a month ago to tie the Tigers for the Central lead, while the Yankees walk it off to clinch a spot. We’re about to enter peak sports season, LFG.
NASA announces 10 new astronauts, with women outnumbering men for the first time. Hell yeah, ladies. If you need any last minute replacements with a twinkle in their eye and a song in their heart, I know someone who can fill in.
French First Lady Brigitte Macron will present scientific and photographic evidence to a US court to prove she’s a woman. Why is this the controversy and not the fact she fell in love with Macron when he was 15 and she was 39??
Amazon trial begins, after they allegedly tricked customers into signing up for Prime. Can’t believe anyone would have to be tricked into signing up for the service that brought you TSITP and free shipping on this item. Prime4Life.
Ryder Cup tees off on Friday at Bethpage, and the fans are already warming up, Jon Rahm’s wife is already at the top of her game, and Viktor Hovland is already spreading the gospel. This year is going to Hit Different.
WE SURVIVED THE RAPTURE
If you’re reading this, we survived the Rapture. Probably.
This week, the #1 story on the Chinese mind virus app new US-approved app with no issues Tik-Tok has been the promise of an impending Rapture. LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.
I really hope that the entire Jets organization gets raptured. We need a fresh start.
Back in June, a South African pastor Joshua Mhlakela claimed he saw a direct vision from Jesus telling him the world would end on September 23 or 24th. Coincidence that this lined up perfectly with Julio Iglesias’s birthday and National Cherries Jubilee Day? Probably.
From there, this exploded on Evangelical Christian Tik-Tok, with people posting videos about how they sold their cars, quit their jobs, and prepared their homes for the coming Rapture, which would involve true believers ascending to Heaven and others staying behind to enjoy the free shit they left behind.
While some people were posting ironically/sarcastically and the memes were remarkable, there was genuine belief this would happen online. The search term “Why is the Rapture Happening on Tuesday” exploded on Google Trends and 290k posts under the Rapture hashtag went up on Tik-Tok. If the world does end one day, the content will be fantastic.
In case you’re keeping track, this is like the millionth time something like this has hit the mainstream. My personal favorites included the Mayan 2012 prophecy and anything that the blind mystic Baba Vanga said. That’s my GOAT.
I gotta say, if you abandon your shame, the ‘predicting the world will end’ industry is pretty lucrative. You’ve really found yourself in a win-win situation.
If the world does end, everyone will be like ‘Holy Shit it sucks the world is ending but that guy was right and he’s super smart and cool.” If it doesn’t, you can at least make a ton of money from scared people and also go viral a bunch. That’s all that really matters.
WHAT ELSE IS GOOD
Dollar General spokesman Shaq is spotted “linking up” with OnlyFans model Sophie Rain at her 21st birthday. I am no longer surprised by anything this man endorses.
This was a huge opportunity for increased Icy Hot awareness, you can’t pass that up
I don’t get why this teacher was fired after deploying a poop spray that cost the school $55k in medical damages to kids. The smell of poop isn’t that bad. At least that’s what my mom always told me when kids didn’t want to sit next to me in school.
My coworker got this for me once and I really struggled to figure out what they meant by it
Shoutout to this Dutch entrepreneur who started driving his luxury cars one by one out of his dealership mid-fire until police had to cuff him. Life is not worth living without your possessions. I’ve often said this.
I too would run into a burning building for my Toyota Camry. Some things are just that important.
I refuse to believe that Mr. Beast has officially been cast in the Angry Birds 3 movie and it’s not some sort of viral “first person to stay in the theater until the movie is over wins $500k and a lifetime of Prime Feastables meals” or some bullshit.
Does the world really need 3 Angry Bird movies? Genuinely asking
Who is Today's Hump Day Hero?
HUMP DAY HIPPO
You’re gonna have to do a lotttt better than 4 lady lions to take down a hippo in his prime.
1 Hippo vs. 4 Lions. I’ll take my chances with the hippo every damn time. I’d love to see this majestic beast take on 100 people with opposite political beliefs than him in a Jubilee video. Now THAT would be a challenge worthy of the world’s #1 semi-acquatic mammal.
Buying Cannabis Online Is Now Legal, And Incredibly Convenient
Thanks to changing laws buying THC online is now 100% federally legal.
And when it comes to quality, reliability and ultimate convenience, Mood is leading the way…
Because, instead of memorizing confusing strain names – you simply choose how you want to feel: Creative, Social, Focused, Relaxed, Happy, Aroused, and more.
STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY
We Drank 12 Beers and Solved the World’s Greatest Art Heist. Electric content.
Read this on your lunch break: No One Knows What “Terminally Online” Means Anymore.
Thank god my eyes have finally been opened on the Blackfish Orca Project in San Diego. This changes everything.
I’ve never seen Yellowstone but wrote a script for it and read it on Kyle Ayer’s podcast. Incredible podcast concept with two very funny dudes. Check it out.
‘What Everyone Gets Wrong About Our Generation’ from 21 college kids is a very good read. Honestly learned a lot.
Maurice’s Bachelor Party Recap is a masterpiece. Can’t believe it’s been a year.
It’s Hump Day. This clip is exactly what you need to get over the hump. Let’s fucking go.
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