The Daily Friday: Wednesday 9/25

1. Visa is sued by the US Justice Department for creating illegal monopoly in the debit card market. Thank god that Nancy Pelosi’s husband was able to sell off $500k of Visa stock beforehand. Some people are just lucky like that.

2. Top Chinese economist disappears after criticizing Xi Jinping’s handling of the economy in a private text. That’s insane. Anyone with eyes can see their economy is really, really good and smart and run by someone VERY handsome.

3. Caroline Ellison sentenced to 2 years for her role in FTX crypto scam, forced to forfeit $11 billion back to victims. Wait, she’s had $11 billion this entire time? She could’ve kept the A’s in Oakland and chose not to. Shameful.

4. Brett Favre tells Congress he has Parkinson’s during trial around misuse of $1M in Mississippi welfare funds to build an arena for his daughter’s volleyball team. Since when is it a crime to support women’s sports?

5. Diddy and Sam Bankman-Fried are sharing a dorm-style room in prison. That’s great. I hope they become best friends forever and each other’s poison testers. I would hate to see Diddy starve in there.

MLB: The A’s have decided to go out with a bang, dropping the sickest hat of all time ahead of Thursday’s last game in Oakland.

Respect to the Detroit Tigers, who are tied for the last wild card spot after having just a 2% chance of making the playoffs 6 weeks ago. All-time heater.

Padres lock in their playoff spot last night against the Dodgers with a walk-off triple play. Pretty sick.

Super pissed at this couple for getting engaged and ruining the vibe at the White Sox game last night. This night was about historic failure, not everlasting love.

NFL: Jayden Daniels is officially the savior of the Commanders and possibly the entire Washington, DC area. Can he drain the swamp next?

CFB: Wild story out of UNLV, as starting QB transfers out of the program due to ‘unfulfilled NIL promises’ by school. Dude just wanted a pay raise. Gotta respect it.

DARTS: Pro darts player clarifies that he did NOT fart or shart around his opponent: this sound was just the Velcro from his shoes. Sure, buddy. Sure.

LET’S LUCY

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Personally, I like to go with the Wintergreen 6mg pouches. Nothing brings me greater peace in life than lying on the couch after a long day of working sorta hard, popping a couple in, and re-watching Always Sunny for the 200th time. It just soothes me.

Warning: this product contains nicotine. Nicotine is an addictive chemical.

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

5 people arrested in Spain after conning women out of $325k by posing as Brad Pitt online. Sucks for them. I talk to Brad every night and he promised he’d never do that to me, as long as I keep floating him $10k every time he loses his wallet.

BREAKING: do not try to reason with a bull that is running free in the Boston suburbs. They do not speak English and are also wildly aggressive animals.

China remains on innovation forefront, creates new version of rock-paper-scissors. Can we do this in America but for thumb wars and if you lose, your thumb gets ripped off?

Hawk Tuah girl’s podcast is now the #4 podcast in the world. Living proof that the only thing standing between you and success is becoming the most viral video in years, being meme’d into oblivion, signing with a media company and abandoning all shame.

HUMP DAY HIPPO

By popular demand, following our first Moo Deng Monday, we are introducing a new segment and animal mascot of the newsletter: the Hippo.

This week’s entry: Horny Horny Hippos

Imagine giving backshots in the African safari. Chills. I want to be a hippo more than I want anything in my life. If this guy can become a dog, I can become a hippo.

One day. One day.

SUPER MARIO SLUGGERS SHOWDOWN

Gonna have to apologize to the shareholders in advance, but I am taking a 75 minute break today to rewatch the Friday Beers Wii Baseball showdown. It’s necessary for my productive and overall well-being. I hope you understand.

HUMP DAY HERO

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• Reminder to write in here with your questions in for our upcoming mailbag. Catch up on all the mailbags here.

• Casey Frey is always good for a nice timeline cleanse. One of one.

• Read this on your lunch break: the Russian bot army that conquered online poker.

• The Curious Case of Aaron Rodgers: what happens when one of the NFL’s greatest players becomes an outspoken conspiracy theorist.

• I wonder if this has anything to do with why Elon wants to get rid of the block button on Twitter.

• No one online is doing it like Dan Hentschel. Always must watch content.

   

• We are officially halfway through the week. Enjoy a Vince Wilfork highlight tape to get you over the hump.