Kawhi Leonard reportedly was paid $28M by the Clippers for a ‘no-show job’ with a tree-planting service as a way to circumvent the NBA salary cap. Dude was clearly catching up on his Sopranos. Gotta respect it.
SNL announces new set of cast members, which includes Veronika Slowikowska, Jeremy Culhane, Tommy Brennan and Kam Patterson from Kill Tony. So good I can move past PDD breaking up. I might actually watch it now.
The Burning Man saga continues, as a child is born at the festival days after a bloody murder. We’ve had extreme weather, an Orgy Dome collapse, a death and now a birth. The cycle is now complete.
Sydney Sweeney is reportedly dating Scooter Braun, the ex-manager of Bieber and sworn enemy of Taylor Swift, after they met at the Bezos wedding. Goddamit, I knew I shouldn’t have skipped that wedding.
Jordon Hudson’s boyfriend loses his first game at UNC, as the Tar Heels lose to TCU by more than their age gap. Hard to do. Hopefully she can turn this team around.
PS - has anyone watch the new Unknown Number documentary on Netflix about this insane catfishing story? My mind is still trying to wrap my head around it.
NCAAF: Big time shout-out to Hogs fan Grant on his divorce. The new chapter begins now, big fella.
Good luck out there Grant.
NHL: Look, I know Mason West already got drafted to the Chicago Blackhawks before his senior year of high school but he might wanna pull a Kyler Murray and stick to QB.
MLB: Nothing gets me fired up like a baseball fight. Fuck yeah, Rockies. Take it to ‘em like this ump took it to a Little League dad. That dude had it coming.
Even Lou Pinella knows this was a terrible call from the Mariner's game and he’s 82 goddam years ago. We need new umps.
Hmmm it very much seems like Framber Valdez crossed up his catcher on purpose here. I would be pissed too if my name was Framber. I get it.
NBA: Jeremy Lin officially retires after 15 year pro career. Never forget how he had the media in absolute shambles. I could watch his highlights for the rest of the day.
Respect to Jaylen Brown for spending his off-season getting locked down by high school principals. Iron sharpens iron.
HORSE: The future of horse-racing will never be the same after this performance at Saratoga. This is like when Scientologists realized you can just make a cult and call it a religion. Revolutionary.
this is what would happen to me if i was ever in the horse race game
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WHAT ELSE IS GOOD
Beyonce continues to push fashion forward by generations, this time debuts a combination Scooby Doo villain x Carmen San Diego hat at her concert. 10/10.
“I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for you and you meddling kids.”
The Rock seems to be on that Lizzo diet, dropping a fuck-load of weight after his new UFC movie debuted to a 15 min. standing ovation. Can we all agree that’s an outrageously long time btw? Like what do you even do with your hands during this?
He looks your mom’s new boyfriend who she met on a Margaritaville cruise. Highest compliment I can give a man.
Sigh. A man accused of jerking off at a System of the Down concert is beaten up by attendees and thrown out of the show. What, is he supposed to jerk off on stage or near an elementary school? Let the man live for cranking out loud.
Imagine seeing this and not getting at least a little excited? Couldn’t be me
This competition between Sabrina Carpenter and Dua Lipa for my attention is getting out of hand. There is plenty of room for both of you in the newsletter ladies. Put your swords down.
Please get your shoes off the couch. It ruins the fabric. Have some respect for fabric.
Free my boy Peyton, who was banned from Celina 52 Truck Stop for exploiting the $1.49 ‘Fill Your Own Cup’ promotion by bringing a full bin for orange soda. He did nothing wrong.
Children truly are the future.
Who is today's Hump Day Hero?
HUMP DAY MOUNTED HIPPO
This better not a some sick twisted Glory Hole shit. I’ll know.
DO NOT MOUNT HIPPO'S HEADS ON WALLS. It's disgusting and makes me think the torso is still hiding behind the wall!!!!! STOP DOING THIS!
STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY
Dan Soder is an incredible addition to the Almost Friday TV universe. This NERF loudout video just proves that.
Read this on your lunch break: Hijacking the Kennedy’s.
I really am such a sucker for these movies but What if Whiplash Was Wet is another banger.
This story from the writer of Eat, Pray, Love is actually insane. What a godam whirlwind.
These casting What-Ifs blew my mind. Leo as Batman would’ve been crazy.
Druski may be the only person alive who can get away with this level of white-face. This is another heat check from the king (I’ll allow it.)
It’s Hump Day. Fuck it. Best of Quagmire. Just to throw it back a little.
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