The Daily Friday: Friday 11/17

Everything you need to know to sound smart today.

1. Ohtani and Acuna both win MVP by unanimous vote for the first time in MLB history. One (or both) of them will be playing for Vegas by 2030. Mark my words.

2. Chinese President XI will send pandas to US as a sign of friendship between nations. Fuck human rights, we’re getting some pandas baby 😎😎😎

3. Joe Burrow suffers injury to throwing hand during last night’s game, will have to crank it lefty now. Thoughts and prayers 🙏🏻🙏🏻

4. Sean Combs (Diddy) accused by ex-Cassie of rape, abuse and blowing up Kid Cudi’s car. Bro was watching too much Godfather II.

5. George Santos is a legend. LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.

But first, your FINAL reminder that we are just 3 days away from 11/20, which means 1 thing: you only have 3 days to DM TASTY to @friday.beers and enter for a chance to win sick prizes, including a full night out, covered completely by us.

You can finally order enough tequila shots to impress those girls at the bar who want nothing to do with you. Congrats. Let’s get into the news.

RIP TO GEORGE SANTOS

The brightest stars burn out the fastest. RIP to the greatest to ever do it.

After explosive report yesterday from the House Ethics committee revealed that NY Congressman George Santos had spent over $240k of campaign funds on ‘personal expenses,’ America’s top liar declared he will not be running for re-election in 2024.

We covered some of his top lies last month, but yesterday’s report on his campaign spending revealed the extent of his genius.

LET’S BREAK DOWN HIS EXPENSES.

OnlyFans Purchases: Oh, so now it’s a crime to support small businesses?  It is hard to making a living as a digital creator and Santos gets that. This is trickle-down economics. Literally. (Cuz the rich are giving money to the less rich and also cuz of the splooge trickling down his shaft after he rubs one out at his desk to some nice fella’s dick pics. You guys get that?) 

$2.281.52 Atlantic City Trip: This was not an expense. It was an investment. I’m sure Santos was just trying to turn $2k into $200k at the roulette table to share with the good people of NY. Sometimes the table is cold. That’s life.

$1,500 on Botox: Legitimate expense. Look good, govern good. Clearly he wasn’t trying to hide this since he registered it as “Botox” on a campaign spreadsheet. Let him live.

3,332.81 Hamptons Air BnB: you know he went with like 8 friends, put it on his campaign card and then Venmo requested everyone. It’s like your trust fund friend who calls the Uber on his dad’s Amex and then asks you to buy his beer at the bar in exchange. Savvy move.

$4,127.80 at Hermes and Sephora:  So like half of a bag and one bottle of regenerating serum? Self-care is expensive. Pampering yourself is not a crime.  

$200k transferred to his personal bank account: Ok yeah that’s just fraud.

HOLIDAY APPAREL HAS ARRIVED

These designs hit extraordinarily different. They are all winners, but my personal top 3 is as follows:

1. Upside Down Friday hat: Upside down stuff is cool. Just ask the Stranger Things kids.

2. Snow Sports long sleeve tee: I will be wearing this every single day. Just a solid around the house shirt.

3. AF Hockey jersey: Perfect for day drinking at a ski house. My happy place.

FUCK SQUIRRELS

Big fucking whoop. It could be 100-1 and I wouldn’t lost any sleep. What is a squirrel gonna do, bite me? Your mom bites me every night and I’m completely fine (sorry you had to find out this way.)

If the squirrels do decide to rise up, the only thing that sucks is they taste like shit. I’d have to slaughter dozens of these fuckers every day and then can’t even enjoy them as a nice snack afterward? Such a waste of good vermin.

Massive caveat here: this is assuming we are dealing with a standard squirrel. If flying squirrels are part of the equation, I’m out. I don’t fuck with any creature who has been granted the gift of flight. My one rule.

NBA: Kelly Oubre Jr. was hit by a car. Or was he? The biggest mystery is how the hell TMZ got his ring camera footage.

Shai Gilgeous-Alexander is backing out of his new $8 mil house after people keep showing up to kill the former owner: Ontario’s Crypto King. Wild story.

NFL: Bengals LB Logan Wilson was on a mission last night, injuring Mark Andrews (potentially out for year,) Lamar Jackson and Odell Beckham all in the same game. Shoutout Morning Blitz for that nugget.

I’m with RG III: the best QB for the Browns is RGIII.

NHL: This was one of the nastiest winners I’ve ever seen.

CFB: Jim Harbaugh accepts 3 game suspension. Dude is guilty as hell.

MEDIA: Charissa Thompson says she makes up fake reports, sparking outrage from the sideline reporter community. I want Sergio Dipp’s take. 

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

If Snoop Dogg can quit smoke, you can quit using your mom’s credit card on ketamine and Brazzers premium subscription. Use your dad’s instead.

Bellagio team wins the 2023 Vegas Housekeeper Olympics. Well deserved. I’ve known they were elite cleaners ever since they helped me dispose of a body last fall. Congrats fam 🙏🏻

Washington Mayor courageously pays for happy ending while ‘going undercover’ and ‘helping’ in sex trafficking investigation. All time excuse. Deshaun Watson is kicking himself for not thinking of that one.

Christ the Redeemer: Taylor’s Version. Swift welcomed to Brazil with projection on statue. They should put Kelce’s old tweets up there next.

SAYINGS THAT DON’T EXIST

@playdatepod

Replying to @Scott even more sayings that dont exist

Willy and Rusty need to release a coffee table book of these sayings. Too good.

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• Gotta feel for Draymond Green’s anger management coach. Extremely tough job.

• This is the most iconic Stephen A Smith moment of all time. Worth a watch. As a Knicks fan who never gets laid, my choice is obvious.

• Relax. Osama Bin Laden’s “Letter to America” went viral on Tik-Tok but it’s not as prevalent as the media would have you think.

• Andre3000 is a confirmed flute guy, releases first solo album today that’s heavy on the toot-toots. Honestly? I fuck with it.

• The Joe Roenick episode of Empty Netters is a must-listen.

• The banger of Thanksgiving is a banger.