The Daily Friday: Friday 1/5

Happy Friday. Here’s what you need to sound smart today.

1. Release of Epstein documents reveals involvement of prominent figures like Stephen Hawking and David Copperfield. Time to change our lock screen 😔.

2. Bill Ackman’s wife admits to plagiarism, days after Ackman’s successful campaign to remove Harvard President for similar issues. If anyone comes for me, I am so fucked (shoutout Quizlet and Mark from my accounting class.)

3. NCAA signs record deal with ESPN, led by increased interest in women’s basketball (last year’s final had same viewership as NBA Finals.) If Caitlin Clarke keeps doing shit like this, that’s a steal.

4. 13-year old beats Tetris, becomes first human to beat the game. This is the best thing Gen Alpha has done since Skibidi Toilet. 

5. Stanley Cups are now more coveted than Stanley Cups. LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.

STANLEY CUPS > STANLEY CUPS

It’s only been 5 days but I’m already declaring 2024’s hottest commodity: a limited edition pink and red travel mug from Stanley that has people losing their goddam minds.

This is the biggest W for a Stanley since Shia LaBeouf’s character helped shed the Yelnats family curse in Holes (with help from Hector Zeroni. Real one.)

In just a few years, the 100+ year old brand has transformed from a mug company for construction workers into the latest must-have product for Tik-Tok girlies.

LET’S BREAK IT DOWN

• For its first 100 years, Stanley made water bottles for outdoorsmen and blue collar workers and did solid numbies. It was a pretty chill vibe, which is cool with me but not really something that flies in #capitalism. It was time for change.

• Shit started to pop off in 2020, when they hired Terrence Riley, the dude who made Crocs cool, as their president. He decided to gear the product towards women, focusing on the ‘Quencher’ mug and leaning on influencers and celeb collabs. The company went from $70 million in 2019 to $750 MILLION in 2023. Not a math guy but that’s pretty good!

• On December 31st, Stanley released a limited-edition Valentine’s Day themed pink and red Quencher mug available exclusively at Starbucks locations in Target. Everybody went nuts, camping outside the stores, leaping over counters, and fighting each other. To be fair, this is exactly how I’d react if Zyn released a limited edition flavor. It would be war.

• The $50 mugs are not being restocked and are now being resold on eBay for wayyyy more. Time to start saving for that Valentine’s Day present now, fellas. You have no shot of getting laid otherwise.

NEW YEAR, NEW ME

I’m sorry, but how is “Being Happy” not #1 on this list? That’s like the entire point of life. I would rather be happy than save more money. Money is not real but having a genuinely whimsical time with your boys? That is.

Honestly, it shouldn’t even be a “resolution” to be happy. Your resolutions should be things that make you happy (learning cool vape tricks, buying a hot tub, finding a pair of jeans that fit perfectly, mastering close up magic, finally discovering the right amount of drinks that you can handle in a night so you come off as fun and cool and not pathetic and sloppy, bringing back the Ice Bucket Challenge etc.) Just a little life tip.

NBA: Wild ending in Nuggets-Warriors, as Jokic hits 40 foot bank shot at the buzzer to win. Just like I taught you, little bro 😎 

NFL: BIG weekend in the NFL, as 6 teams gun for 2 spots in the NFC and 5 teams will battle it out for 3 spots in the AFC.

Shoutout the Bills, who could get the 2 seed if they beat Miami and miss the playoffs if they lose. We’re pulling for Hailee Steinfeld’s boyfriend.

Pro-Bowl list released and somehow Aman-Ra St. Brown, Brandon Aiyuk and Tommy Cutlets were left off the list. Make it make sense.

NHL: Conor Bedard becomes youngest All-Star selection in history. Almost makes having your teammate bang your mom worth it. Almost.

CFB: Kansas State QB Will Howard transfers to Ohio State. As long as he doesn’t wear 33 like Devin Brown, he’ll be fine.

DARTS: Our king, 16 year old Luke “The Nuke” Littler (profiled in our Weds newsletter) lost in the World Dart Championship finals but will always be a legend.

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

Free this man who leaped at a Vegas judge during sentencing so he can represent the USA in the high jump this summer. Legitimately impressive.

Nymphomaniac I & II star Shia LeBeouf gets confirmed by Catholic church and wants to become a Deacon one day. Can’t you just change your name at a government office or something? That’s what Reese Witherspoon’s son did.

I could have a body like Jeremy Allen White if I had his physique, discipline, fitness and diet coach, luscious curly locks, rugged demeanor, charm, charisma, innate desire to be great, credit score, skin-care routine, etc.

59-year-old 90210 actor Ian Ziering clearly just watched 300, takes on an entire gang of mini-bikers in Los Angeles by himself. Must watch video.

FRIDAY DEERS

Friday Deers.

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• Watch the full Katt Williams’ appearance on Shannon Sharpe’s podcast. Pretty explosive stuff.

• I legit don’t know how any NFL quarterback completes a pass after watching this Tua helmet cam. Justice for Zach Wilson?

• This dude abandoned his family and went “missing” to find Bigfoot. Worth it, honestly.

• Aliens invade mall in Miami. Probably (definitely.) These aliens can’t be that smart if they’re hanging out in Miami.

• Multi-generational living often makes sense, but isn’t easy.

• Pretty funny to picture Christopher Nolan sweating his ass off as his Peloton instructor rips into Tenet. Nice mental image.