The Daily Friday: Friday 6/9

Me at 11:13 am running to happy hour the second my boss turns his back on me.

Also… Pete kinda has game.

• The World is Ending

• Casa Bonita is Stunning

• Sex Championship Commences

• The Big Game

• Shit Your Pants Saturday

• What Else is Good

• Empty Netters Continue to Crush

• Bring This Up at the Pregame

THE WORLD IS ENDING THIS WEEKEND

Well, I’m calling it. After insane smoke in NYC, multiple UFO sightings, some alien documents shared by US Army whistleblowers, and a report from a blind mystic on an upcoming nuclear Armageddon, it’s become very clear…the world is ending this weekend.

Honestly, good riddance. I’m drowning in credit card debt and have been mentally checked out at my job for months (maybe years?) so this couldn’t have come at a better time. It’s time to spend our final days doing what we love…partying our little dicks off.

Fuck responsibilities. Fuck your boss (metaphorically, but also physically fuck your boss if they’re hot.) We are boozing nonstop until the aliens come / nuclear war / the government poisons us with orange chemicals / all the above.

Personally, I have a full itinerary to burn NYC to the ground this weekend. Drink the Times Square Margaritaville completely dry of Bahama Mamas at happy hour tonight. Spend Saturday trying to ride the hippos at the Bronx Zoo. Sunday is for befriending / holding Ed Sheeran hostage until he lets me sing the bridge of “Shape of You” at his Sunday MetLife concert.

At some point I would love to profess my love for the Rat Czar, but only if time allows. You know how these things go.

WE’LL ALWAYS HAVE CASA BONITA

Money comes and goes, but art? Art lasts forever. And thanks to South Park creators Matt Stone and Trey Parker’s $40 million renovation, the beautiful Casa Bonita restaurant will survive and thrive for eternity.

Casa Bonita, which loosely translates to “Casa Beautiful”, is an exquisite shrine to the beauty of Mexican culture (plastic palm trees, resident magicians, taco salad, etc.) The renovations were extensive, including re-installing the iconic fountain and 27 rounds of paint to match the iconic Pepto Bismol pink… and it’s worth every penny.

There is no doubt this will be a Michelin Star experience by opening. Reply to this email if you’d like to organize a trip to Lakewood, Colorado and share a taco salad with Matt Stone, Trey Parker and myself. Haven’t confirmed it with them but I’m sure they are at least a soft “maybe”.

CAN I BE A JUDGE FOR THE SEX COMPETITIONS?

The European Sex Championships have begun and I can’t wait for the “creative posing” category to start. I might need to broaden my porn search radius because I haven’t heard of any of these folks, but shoutout Mister Riddle. That mask is different. Dude definitely has what it takes to bring home the crown.

NBA: Simply stunned at this video of Zion Williamson’s OnlyFans girlfriend. Can’t imagine how much toilet paper she has lost wiping. Nuggets get Game 3 W, thanks to GOAT Christian Braun. CP3 released by Suns, will have to find a new city where his daughter can be bullied for his failures.

NHL: Panthers come roaring back, get an incredible dub in OT to make it a 2-1 series. I still got Knights in 5 but it’s nice they made it interesting.

MLB: If Nancy Pelosi threw me this pitch, I would lace a standing triple to the left center gap and steal home on the next pitch. Shit was weak. Reds top prospect Elly De La Cruz hits first homer, kid returns it in exchange for pic with his boys.

OTHER: Marshawn Lynch…Movie Star? Messi turns down a billy from Saudis, signs with Inter Miami while QUADRUPLING their Instagram following overnight. Wholesome Fridays: this video of NFL stars giving rookies advice is low-key moving.

SHIT YOUR PANTS SATURDAY

RIP to the GOAT, Amou Haj aka World’s Dirtiest Man, who recently died at the age of 94.

A true hero. He lived in a cinder block shack, ate roadkill and did not bathe with water or soap for 60 years. He also smoked poop and we celebrate that. Clearly, it paid off.

When you shit pants this Saturday, don’t clean up. Grab your papers, roll said shit into a fat doobie and smoke the hell out of it. It’s what he would have wanted.

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

• Stand up Short Kings! The nightmare is over. A man added a full foot to his height with leg lengthening surgery and there’s hope for you little pipsqueaks yet.

• Yes, the rumors are true…Livvy has rizzed up Baby Gronk. Here’s how you explain it to your dying grandmother before she passes on from this world.

• I don’t care how much they charge me in cleaning fees, I’m only staying in AirBnBs from now on after seeing this man cook an entire rack of ribs in a hotel bathroom. Some of you need love in your life.

• A true testament to the human spirit: this influencer with fake breasts so large they won’t fit in her car is getting even larger implants. Definitely worth it. Cars stink.

EMPTY NETTERS STANLEY CUP TOUR

That’s just good professional journalism from Chris Powers. Boys are killing it during the Stanley Cup.

You know what doesn’t cost $400? Buying half a dozen 40s of malt liquor from your local bodega. You can make that shit last a weekend if you’re smart and disciplined.

Or better yet….

SAVE YOUR RECEIPTS

GET YOUR REFERRALS IN! New Bar Tab winner announced Tuesday morning. Booze your absolute brains off this weekend, on us.

Commence Suckdown