The Daily Friday: Friday 7/12

1. The US and Germany stopped a Russian plot to assassinate the CEO of an arms dealer supplying Ukraine with weapons. On behalf of Biden and Vice President Trump, you’re welcome President Putin.

2. AT&T says hackers have stolen ‘nearly all’ records of customer’s calls and texts. Thank god I have Verizon, otherwise they could’ve exposed my texts to Sydney Sweeney.

3. Study shows that 1-2 alcoholic drinks a day will shorten your lifespan by 2 months. That’s 100% worth it. Talk to me when they do a study on 11-12/day.

4. The Mirage casino in Vegas is giving away $1.6M in winnings before closing next week. Gotta be the most attainable Ocean’s Eleven sequel ever.

5. The son of Asia’s richest man is getting married, culminating a multi-month, hundred million dollar celebration. They’re gonna have the coolest custom koozies. Will look great in a junk drawer.

THE JULY MAILBAG: YOUR QUESTIONS ANSWERED

Taking a break from our regularly scheduled programming to highlight the third installment of our monthly mailbag series.

Here’s a snippet of what we touched on, but check out the full version where we answer your questions on dishwashers windows, how long an AFTV sketch takes to make, and over-compensating when you can’t grow a beard.

Oh and make sure you submit your questions for next month.

What is the optimal outdoor temperature for day drinking? Assume there’s no game on and you’re with some buddies. - David

Gotta be mid-60s with a nice breeze. Not so hot that you’re uncomfortable and battling dehydration. Not so cold that your penis shrinks. Just right. 

This weather hits especially hard when it’s the first nice day of spring after a brutal stretch of winter. In fact, I’m trying to get an official holiday started called Alcohol Day (shoutout to my friend Chuddy who coined this term) to celebrate this day. An entire day devoted to celebrating the arrival of sunshine by doing one thing: drinking alcohol until you pass out. Very simple. 

As a younger man, I may have leaned more towards the low 80s as an answer. Not too hot, but still warm enough to pop the top, inflate a kiddie pool, fill it with hose water, and just sit in that for like 4 straight hours. Maybe some ladies walk by and say “holy cow, do you want to have premarital sex?” That stuff.

However, as I get up there in age, my body has started to resemble a bag of milk. Drinking 12 IPAs a weekend and having one vegetable a month for 10 years will do that. I’d really prefer an excuse to keep the shirt on. Mid 60s it is.

NFL: Tyreek Hill is now father to his 10th child with his 5th woman. Dude just refuses to be covered, on and off the field.

SOCCER: The Killers stopped their show in the UK to watch the end of the Euro semis and rolled into Mr. Brightside after England scored. Never done heroin (lame, I know) but it’s gotta feel close to that right?

Pandemonium in the Copa semis after Colombia beat Uruguay, as a brawl immediately started and players went after fans in the stands. Thank god Ron Artest never played soccer.

MLB: Shohei Ohtani debuts new stolen base hog crank celebration. Massive W for the gooning community worldwide.

Paul Skenes throws 11ks in 7 no-hit innings before being pulled. Guy is the biggest thing to happened to Pittsburgh since the invention of the pierogi.

NBA: NBA signs massive TV deal featuring nationally televised games on different platforms every week, which would cost almost $1k in subscriptions or $0 on StreamEast. The choice is obvious.

ESPY’S: Who cares about the awards? Glue Guy and Dr. Locks were on the red carpet last night redefining journalism. Watch out Paul Skenes.

MAKE YOUR OWN MERCH

We heard your request and we answered: you can finally create your own apparel on AlmostFridays.com. Just pick a garment, whatever photo and tagline you want, and you’re good to go.

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

Kim K reveals she’s been getting facials from salmon sperm, making us all wonder: who is this lucky salmon and when is the sex tape coming out?

Sorry, guys I’m busy this weekend. Going to be committing some serious crimes in Florida to arrange a meet-cute with this police officer. 

Two years after she was fired from her show, Ellen DeGeneres says she will retire from Hollywood. Similarly, I have also officially retired from my first internship where I was let go for sleeping in the bathroom.

I would watch a movie about these Indiana Amish hoopers dominating on an inner-city court. You don’t need electricity when your jumper is that smooth.

PEAK TRANQUILITY IS SICK

I was in on this one immediately after Rusty convinced Liam to get a beer and then forgot his ID. The rest of the trip to Topanga does not disappoint.

Rusty’s travel show How Cool is rapidly becoming my favorite YouTube series. Catch up on all the videos while you avoid work this afternoon.

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• Life has been imitating art, with Obama recreating the Key and Peele skit with Team USA and Jonathan Majors living through a Druski bit.

• Kinda love that Clooney smoked Leo’s squad in pick-up hoops. Running a pregame 3-man weave is insane.

• Read this on your lunch break: How Nic Cage became the Scream King.

• Really loving the clips from Giants off-season Hard Knocks, especially this press conference prep and Marvin Harrison Jr. interview.

• Can’t wait for the Pete Rose documentary on HBO. Let him in the HOF or I’ll riot.

• Try to watch this video without saying ‘Hell Yea’ to yourself. You can’t. Let’s have a goddam weekend.