The Daily Friday: Monday 10/23

It’s another week in paradise. Here’s what you need to sound smart today.

1. US asks Israel to slow attacks to allow time to release hostages as conditions worsen in Gaza. Avoid misinformation here.

2. Big MLB action tonight: Phils try to close out in Game 6 at home and it’s time for Game 7 in Houston, as Rangers Garcia crushes grand slam in 9th during last night’s 9-2 Game 6 win.

3. Scorsese’s Flower of The Killer Moon opens with rave reviews and his 3rd best box weekend ever, but still can’t beat out Taylor’s Eras Tour concert movie.

4. Biden asks for $105B from Congress for aid in Israel, Ukraine, Taiwan and Mexican border. Aren’t we broke? I don’t get how money works.

5. 9 Republicans have joined the Speaker race after Jim Jordan drops out. LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.

HOUSE SPEAKER BACHELOR

It’s been two seeks since Kevin McCarthy (the Congressman, not Macaulay’s character in Home Alone) got ousted as Republican House Speaker and we still don’t have a replacement.

After a failed vote Friday, 9 more Republicans have decided to run for the position, creating a bizarro, real-life Bachelor, where old men try to woo other other men for the right to steal our tax dollars and not pass any meaningful legislature.

LET’S BREAK IT DOWN

What Happened Friday: Jim Jordan, the former Ohio State wrestling coach and current Ohio rep, lost his 3^rd floor vote AND a secret vote among members with 86 voting yes and 112 saying no. Yikes bro.

What Happened Sunday: 9 more Republicans decided they want the job and threw their hat in the ring. This job must have tons of free hookers or stock tips. I’m not sure why else so many people would want it.

Who Are These 9 Guys?

• The most senior candidates are Majority Whip Tom Emmer from Minnesota (thanks to House of Cards for teaching me what that means) and GOP Vice Chair Mike Johnson from Louisiana, a former talk show host.

• All of them, which the exception of Emmer and Scott, voted to decertify the 2020 election, which would appeal to the hard-right portion of the party that has been derailing votes.

Why Does This Matter? Without a House Speaker, we can’t pass bills and might be headed for a government shutdown. After last month’s scare, the deadline was pushed until Nov. 17^th (enough to get through Fat Bear Week) but it’s not looking promising. Here’s what happens during a shutdown.

So Who Will Win? Who the fuck knows.There’s another vote today, but chances are it won’t pass, so get ready for a lot more news about old white dudes over the coming weeks. We’ll keep you posted when it’s relevant.

FIND YOUR BOOGEYMAN

Basically a real-life Pokemon lineup right here. Personally, I believe that each of these creatures is alive, kicking it and laying low until they can rise up and take down the human race. We might as well enjoy ourselves while we still can.

MLB: Great Guy alert: Bryce Harper runs over catcher and then checks on him to make sure he’s alive, after he’s touched home plate of course.

Astros pitcher Bobby Abreu appeals 2 game suspension for starting this bases clearing brawl on Friday, pitches in last night’s loss. Final decision is due before tonight’s Game 7: I say let him play.

CFB: There’s zoning out in the middle of a play and then there’s whatever #8 was doing here. The Adderall shortage is really impacting everyone.

Michigan State apologizes for use of Hitler image and question during in-game trivia contest. You just can’t do that guys. How dumb are you?

Refs bail out Minnesota (and under bettors like myself) and call this TD off with a phantom fair catch wave by the Iowa PR. You simply cannot call that.

Caleb Williams sucks, Tennesse blew it against Alabama, defensive struggle and 162 yard performance from Marvin Harrison Jr ends in Ohio State W over Penn State, and someone check on Clemson’s sports psychologist after Saturday’s loss to Miami.

NFL: Maybe Kyle Pitts doesn’t suck that much?

Myles Garret has the best first half in history in Browns W, with 2 sacks, 2 forced fumbles, 6 tackles and a blocked FG. He’s a monster.

Pats stun Bills, Ravens fuck up Lions, and Chiefs cruise off of 179 yards, TD from Jackson Mahomes’ brother’s favorite TE. This hit made me jump out of my seat. LFG.

NBA: Regular season starts tomorrow: Harden still hasn’t showed up, Steve Adams is already out for the year and I can’t wait to see this alien in action.

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

My bad guys: I left my very broken, dirty and overused sex doll in the English countryside and police closed the road for 31 hours because they thought it was a dead body. Won’t happen again.

Woman returns from vacation to find that her home was demolished by mistake. Reason #1,000 why you should never take vacation: lose your hustle, lose your home.

Paris Hilton’s baby is going to need to start buying his hats from Brian Robinson’s friend. There is something sinister about this child: he will either save our planet or destroy it.

SAG-AFTRA tells members that they cannot dress as studio IP characters for Halloween. Now only 86% of the public will be dressed as Barbie-Ken.

MONDAY MOVE

This one also has the added benefit of your date finding you extremely attractive and wanting to marry you ASAP.

There’s nothing chicks dig more than a man who can manipulate a tiny skateboard with his fingers in a way to generates “oohhss” “aahhss” and “OMG that guy 3 tables over just landed a kickflip on his tech deck” from passersby. That’s just a fact.

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• The true story that Flowers of a Killer Moon was based on.

• Skip Bayless has always been annoying as shit.

• This photo took 3 YEARS of attempts. I definitely would have given up.

• Father of Bears’ rookie QB Tyson Bagent is a 28 time world arm wrestling champion.

• The correct way to load your dishwasher (if you can afford luxuries like that.)

• The secret life of Jimmy Zhong, who stole - and lost - $3 billion.