The Daily Friday: Monday 5/13

It’s another week in paradise. Here’s what you need to sound smart today.

1. GameStop and AMC stocks skyrocket after ‘Roaring Kitty,’ man behind initial meme stock craze, returned to Twitter last night. Please turn around CumCoin as well, Mr. Kitty. My family is begging you.

2. Northern Lights were visible across the world over the weekend. I didn’t go outside once (too busy cranking hog and playing this game) so I don’t know if that’s true, but I’ll take everyone’s word for it.

3. Eurovision competition won by Switzerland’s Nemo in the midst of Gaza protests. I’ll be totally honest, I thought Eurovision was a made-up Will Ferrell thing until this weekend. The more you know.

4. Atlanta Hawks win draft lottery with just 3% odds, the most improbable top pick ever. Time to head to the casino and throw it all on black, ATL. Just make sure the Pistons don’t come.

5. The portal that connects NYC to Dublin rocks. LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.

THE PORTAL FROM NYC TO DUBLIN

The 24/7 live video portal connecting Dublin and New York City has been up for less than a week and it’s already fixing our planet’s greatest problems, proving once and for all that there’s nothing more universally hilarious that flashing your cock and/or ass.

LET’S BREAK IT DOWN

• The portal was installed last Wednesday by an organization called Portals.org, which is like the perfect name for a portals organization. It connects the two cities with a 24/7 live video link with the intent to serve as a ‘bridge a unified planet.’ Everyone want to be a streamer these days smh.

• Things started off relatively wholesome, with people dancing in the streets, waving to each other and even trying to find love. Then, things got a bitttt darker, with some 9/11 references (too soon), porn clips (too short) and flashing guns and gang signs (too scary.) Everyone is clearly way too caught up in the Drake and Kendrick beef. It’s poisoning minds.

• Over the weekend, we finally reached the final form of the portal: drunk people showing their asses. Honestly, mooning is the one form of universal humor. If my high school baseball coach can moon our entire team on bus rides home after wins (it was cool and funny, not creepy and weird. Trust me) then why can’t we bring the planet together this way?

• Following the flashings, the portal mysteriously shut down for ‘technical reasons’ this morning, though it is reportedly back up and scheduled to run through November. BetMGM needs to start accepting wagers on how long this thing stays open: I’m hammering that under.

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NBA: Denver gets 35 from Jokic and withstands 44 from Ant to even the series at 2, while the Pacers kick the Knicks’ undermanned ass on Mother’s Day to tie it up in the East. It’s a long fucking series.

NHL: The New York Rangers have finally lost a game in the playoffs. Failures.

MLB: Nick Castellanos is a confirmed warlock, homers after his family’s dog died. His career needs to be a DCOM after he retires.

Paul Skenes, best known as the boyfriend to Baby Gronk’s former flame Livvy Dunne, also happens to throw fucking gas. 101.9 MPH in your debut is nuts.

Braves lose a no-hit bid with 2 outs in the 9th inning, the third time this has happened since 2015. Cursed franchise.

UFC: Do NOT show this clip of Derrick Lewis mooning the crowd to Joe Buck. Get him to the NYC - Dublin portal asap.

BOXING: I know Steve Harvey is thrilled this ref declared the wrong winner in Perth fight. He’s finally off the hook from Miss Universe 🙏🏻

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

Strap up boys, we’re going to war. Steve Buscemi was randomly punched on the street and had to be hospitalized. This city will burn until we get justice.

Sorry I didn’t reply to your text. I saw Sabrina Carpenter’s birthday post and threw my phone into the ocean. Why would she stay with her boyfriend (fucks dirt) when she could be with me (512 credit score, Adderall prescription?)

106 year old American man becomes oldest skydiver ever, unfortunately still too young to run for Congress. Maybe on your next birthday, big boy.

MONDAY MOVE

I’m whipping this move out next time I wrap up another 2-11, 4 rebounds, 8 foul performance at the weekly Thursday night pickup run and you can’t stop me.

PS: favorite part about Bobby’s latest breakdown is the ricochet shot at this season of Survivor. No joke, that’s ~10% of the convos I have with the fellas. Wild that Bhanu hasn’t been the dumbest person this season.

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• Peep our May mailbag, where we answered your burning questions on how to make friends in a new city, avoid Sunday Scaries, which Nickelodeon characters went corporate, and more.

• The trailer to Tires, the new Shane Gillis Netflix show that comes out May 23 just dropped and I’m hyped. Tommy Boy for the modern era.

• Haven’t loved his recent media tour, but gotta admit Jerry Seinfeld’s commencement speech was actually pretty good.

• I liked these 10 rules to the Friendship Theory of Everything (full essay here.) We need more actual rules for how to behave in society. I’m not even kidding, it’s very confusing.

• Not surprised at all that Jokic went off on Goebert last night. He’s always had his number.

• Read this on your lunch break: how the wildest, druggiest cult movie of the ‘90s got made.