The Daily Friday: Monday 6/24

It’s another week in paradise. Here’s what you need to sound smart today.

1. Massive Game 7 tonight, as the Oilers look to pull off 3-0 comeback. I really hope that Edmonton’s flashing fan isn’t too busy posing for Playboy to show up. Need to see her performance if they win.

2. Protestors arrested after storming 18th green at Travelers and spray painting the green. Still can’t believe Scottie Scheffler witnessed that and still won. Gotta be triggering for an ex-con.

3. NASA astronauts remain stuck in space, floating in ISS with no return date after issues with a Boeing spacecraft. Turns out traveling on Earth and in space are exactly the same, except we get free pretzels and can watch Top Gun on a 20 inch TV. Suck it, astronauts.

4. Meta and Apple begin discussion to integrate social media data into Apple Intelligence. Train the AI on Entrapranure content so it becomes an uncle-having, landlord-tipping big strong Sigma boy.

5. The USA is bringing their own AC to Paris for the Olympics. LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.

THE PARIS OLYMPIC VILLAGE KINDA SUCKS

Team USA has decided to save the Paris Olympics by bringing the one thing that separates us from the rest of the world: fantastic air conditioning.

Paris’s plans to cool the rooms without AC is just one of several efforts to make the Olympics more eco-friendly that have backfired. LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.

• Paris introduced new “cooling pipes” to manage temperatures in the athlete’s lodgings, which as recently as July 2019, can get as high as 109 degrees. Across Paris as a whole, less than 1% of apartments have air conditioning, which blows my mind. Does everyone just smell like shit all the time?

• Team USA, along with other nations like China, Great Britain and Canada, called bullshit on that and decided to bring their own air conditioning units so their athletes wouldn’t, ya know, get heat stroke the night before the biggest athletic performance of their careers. Checks out!

• Another part of Paris’ eco-focus in the Olympic Village is the use of ‘anti-sex beds’ that debuted in 2020 and are made of cardboard to be more “sustainable.” Rightttt. You just want to stop the legendary Olympic village orgies. Not on our watch.

• Paris has also ordered 300k condoms to be shipped into the village to help supply the 14,250 residents, which is nowhere near enough. That’s a mere 21 condoms per athlete. If you’re wearing Trojans to last longer while cranking hog like a normal person, that’s barely enough to last you a week. Trust me.

• To make matters worse, no alcohol or French Fries will be provided on premises. What is the point of a free trip to Paris if you can’t get wasted and suck down freedom fries? If the poop protest is a flop, then this entire Olympics will go down in history as a complete and total failure in my book.

NBA: It doesn’t get more glue than Sam Hauser shotgunning a Friday Beer at a DJ Press Play boat party while rocking an Almost Friday shirt during the Celtics victory parade. Made me almost like the Celtics for half a second.

MLB: Finally, we got our first ever walk-off pitch clock violation.

Mets Edwin Diaz ejected for foreign substance found on his hand immediately after he entered game. Where the hell was Grimace for this one?

Yankees hit with injury bug, as Stanton will go to DL for 4 weeks and Rizzo is expected to miss 6 weeks with a broken forearm. This might help a bit. 

COLLEGE BASEBALL: Tennessee and Texas A&M square off tonight for the national championship in Omaha and the right to buy a fuckload of jello shots (they’ll never top LSU last year.)

USMNT: Pulisic hammers home an insane goal, leading the way for a 2-0 victory against Bolivia. If we win Copa, I’ll kiss each and every one of you on this email list. That’s a promise.

TENNIS: Tommy Paul wins his first grass-court title to become top ranked US player. His girlfriend is also pretty hot! Congrats man.

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

Hawk Tuah girl takes the internet by storm, finally providing awareness for the sloppy top community. I’ve been singing this to myself for the last 18 hours.

Congratulations to Wild Thang, who won this year’s title of World’s Ugliest Dog on his FIFTH attempt. Perseverance always pays off, you ugly fuck 🙏🏻

Thank you to the boater who found my missing 65 pounds of cocaine valued at $1 million floating in the ocean. Was looking for that thing everywhere.

MONDAY MOVE

Rolling up to the party with a six pack of glass bottle Coca-Cola’s is always the move. Simple, classy, understated.

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• Nice to see Michael Phelps still has that dog in him. Bring your swim cap to Paris, Mike. You never know when we’ll need you to hop in.

• Read this on your lunch break: a spoiled heir to a Texas automobile dynasty ordered two murders for seemingly no reason.

• The only trait that truly matters when evaluating NBA prospects ahead of Thursday’s draft: did their Dad play in the NBA?

• Playing together, alone. How games like Elden Ring, Dragons’ Dogma and more help players connect and form relationships online.

• Is there now beef between Foo Fighters and Taylor Swift? We are closely monitoring. the situation and will keep you posted 🤝

• Good advice here. Let’s have a Monday.