The Daily Friday: Wednesday 5/15

1. Comcast to bundle Apple TV, Netflix and Paramount+, creating genius new product known as Cable TV. Please invent Blockbuster next. I miss renting Charlie’s Angels every Friday (lot of side-boob.)

2. Meme stocks continue rise while Planet of the Apes takes home #1 spot at box office. This is the biggest moment for apes since Harambe killed Queen Elizabeth.

3. Trump and Biden agree on debates in June and September, which will be sick. If I learned one thing visiting my grandpa’s nursing home, it’s that watching two bitchy, senile dudes argue is absolutely electric.

4. Westminster Dog Show won by Sage, a miniature poodle that looks simply insane. Personally, I think this trainer should’ve got the W.

5. Paris Olympics introduce anti-sex beds for horny athletes. LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.

PARIS ANTI-SEX BEDS

Yesterday, the Olympic Committee announced they would be using Anti-Sex beds in the athletes’ lodgings this year and I’m officially disgusted.

While the committee claims they selected the beds for ‘sustainability’ (because 1,000 cardboard beds will make a dent in the overall environmental impact?) we all know they’re trying to shut down the legendary Olympic Village orgies. Prudes.

Clearly, this will not be stopping the fittest people in the world who have trained in isolation for years from some sport fucking. Sure, the bed is tiny and collapses under the weight of two people, but who cares?

As a multiple-time sex-haver (rapidly approaching double digits) I know that smashing pissers doesn’t require a bed. There’s plenty of positions (standing, sitting, Crazy Monkey, etc.) that can and should be used. Oh no, the most flexible, sinewy, toned and horned up people alive will have to get creative while bumping uglies! What a disgusting image that I hope doesn’t visit me in my dreams tonight.

Honestly, I expected better from Paris. Isn’t this the city of love? The home of Pepe La Pew? I’ve seen Ratatouille - I know how erotic this town can be. If you can’t Live, Laugh, Louvre here, then what the hell are we even doing anymore?

To all our Olympic Athlete readers (assuming there are hundreds of you,) my message is simple: pork away. And also let Spain win the Canoe Slalom (100m.) I have a hefty future that could create generational wealth if it hits.

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NBA: Massive Game 5 win for the Knicks as Jalen Brunson drops 44 (and Nesmith on his ass,) and the Big Ragu make Miles Turner his bitch.

Jokic drops 40 as Nuggets win 3rd straight to take 3-2 series lead. Rudy Goebert would return his DPOY award if he had any class.

NHL: Bouchard scores game-winner with 28 seconds left to bring home the dub for the Oilers, who take 3-2 series lead.

Bruins claw back into the series, pull off 2-1 win to force Game 6. I really loved this post game presser from the Panthers head coach.

WNBA: Guys, please watch the WNBA this season so they can continue to do collabs like this. It’s for a good cause.

Caitlin Clark drops 20 in debut against Suns, who have first sell out in 20 years (shoutout Mohegan Sun, worst place to wake up on Sunday morning.)

MLB: Astros continue to be addicted to cheating, as Ronel Blanco gets ejected for foreign substance on his glove. Kick them out of the league.

GOLF: Rory announces divorce and I’m putting my future son’s college fund on him winning PGA Championship this weekend. Divorce always brings out the best in people.

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

This woman shut down the NYC to Dublin portal and now I’ll never get the chance to meet my wife (immediately proposing to the first Irish woman I see on the other side who wants a green card.)

Local hero asked by city to hide boat from neighbors in his driveway, instead paints perfect replica onto fence. A level of pettiness we should all aspire to.

Kyle, Texas is hoping to break a previous record for largest gathering of Kyles this weekend (think Kyle Rittenhouse will show up?) Time to buy Monster stock ASAP.

Human-whale relations hit all time low as orcas sink yacht in Gibraltar Sea, 700th incident since 2020. Someone tell the Deep to stop fucking the whales.

HUMP DAY HERO

Vote on who from today’s news is most deserving of the coveted title of Hump Day Hero. Congrats to last week’s hero, the 32 year Old Teenager, who pulled off the con of the century.

LANDON BRIDGES SUCKS DOWN $60 OF CARL’S JR.

Fantastic interview with the hungover chef god himself.

PS - motion to include Rice Pilaf 2 in every interview clip moving forward. Thank you.

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• TNT could lose Inside the NBA in the new broadcast deal, which means we’d lose stuff like this. DOWN WITH BIG BUSINESS!!!

• I’ve never once gotten an interesting work email email but these iconic internal company memos are fascinating (Hulu one is prophetic.)

• Man claims the missing Malaysian MH370 flight was sucked into a wormhole and he has the evidence to prove it. Huge if true.

• This is exactly how I feel when people start talking about the stock market. Laughed out loud at least twice during this one.

• This clip of Bill Burr stuffing Bill Maher into a locker has been making the rounds on Twitter, but the full interview is even better.

• Read this on your lunch break: How paper blotter helped outlaw chemists dose the world with LSD.