The Daily Friday: Monday 8/19

It’s another week in paradise. Here’s what you need to sound smart today.

1. Democratic National Convention starts today in Chicago. I will be outside protesting until they give us StreamEast back. Fight on, boys. Fight on.

2. Mpox has spread outside of Africa and hit Sweden and Pakistan. Everyone be careful or you’ll end up like this dude who had COVID, AIDs and Monkeypox at once. Just needs measles for a full EGOT.

3. Elon closes down Twitter in Brazil after claiming a judge secretly threatened one of his legal reps. Really sucks that Brazilians don’t get to use Grok to make cursed AI images like these. Modern art.

4. Sydney Sweeney posted these pics. We are choosing to play it cool and make her wonder why we haven’t DM’d her about it yet. Women like a man of mystery (and she still hasn’t replied to our last ones.)

5. A brawl broke out in Turkish parliament. LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.

REMINDER: get your questions in for our upcoming August mailbag (and check out July’s installment.) Submit your questions at the link below.

Back to the news.

TURKISH PARLIAMENT BRAWL

On Friday, a fight broke out in the Turkish parliament that would put any Monday Night Raw battle to shame. Punches were thrown. Blood was spilled. Politicians hit the ground. It was kinda electric.

It made me realize: we need this type of shit in Congress.

Look, there is a ton of tension in politics right now. It’s basically impossible to pass anything because both sides refuse to listen to each other. There’s name-calling and finger pointing and blah blah blah. Grow up and hit each other like adults.

I don’t care what they tell you in elementary school, violence sometimes is the answer. Anyone who has brothers or watches training camp fight compilations knows: the best way to squash beef is to just punch it out.

Here’s my proposal. One night a year, we have a fight night where all politicians have to fight each other. No weapons. No blows to the face or groin. Just a good old fashioned settling of scores so we can work together moving forward.

This also has the massive bonus of helping to solve our ‘the politicians are old as fuck and won’t move aside to let the next generation run the country’ problem. Instead of waiting for them to die or become so senile that they have to be told to step down, let them prove that they can at least slap-box. If you can’t throw hands, you can’t pass bills. Simple as that.

Sidenote: Turkey is rapidly rising up my rankings for countries to seek political asylum in after the FBI discovers my massive renter’s insurance fraud empire travel to. Badass politicians. Fantastic shooters. A haven for those who struggle with male pattern baldness. This lovely lady. What’s not to love?

HAPPY NATIONAL WELLNESS MONTH

Like I always tell my ex-girlfriends, every day is a good day to put myself first. But that’s especially true during August, better known in the biz as National Wellness Month. 

This month, prioritize your mental health by signing up for BetterHelp. 

With BetterHelp, you can get matched with a therapist in less than 48 hours. No more waiting days, weeks or even months to find someone. 

Sign up with code FRIDAY25 for 25% off your first month session today.

MLB: Yankees’ Alex Verdugo learns that he is allergic to his tattoos and batting glove materials. Damn, if only there was a way to prevent this.

Pretty average 8-9-4-2 double play here from the Marlins last night.

I guess playing in Wiliamsport has made the Yankees play like Little Leaguers. Sad!

NFL: Nice behind the back pass, Mahomes but everyone knows you totally ripped off Jack Doehring’s entire flow. 

Caleb Williams is the absolute truth. My early season MVP candidate (I only saw these this highlight and this TD from one preseason game.)

NBA: Jaylen Brown’s revenge tour has already begun.

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

I found my dream job and it’s as a Chinese vape tester who rips 10,000 clouds a day. I hope they also do this kind of testing at the Lucy factory.

Officially never been more jealous of anyone alive than of this dude who has 1.4 MILLION Dave and Buster’s points. That’s enough beer towers to get Andre the Giant drunk for a week straight.

Congratulations to Brittany Lacayo, who seized the title of World’s Widest Lady’s Tongue with an incredible 3.11 inch licker. Hard work pays off.

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MONDAY MERCH

It’s the dog days of August which mean it’s either time to start getting ready to go back to school for the fall or time to start getting ready to be incredibly jealous of all the kids who are going back to college.

Check out our entire line of back to school apparel on the shop. You deserve it.

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• One day, Sam Morrill will make it more than one minute on a morning TV show before they cut to commercial. That day is not today.

• Shoutout to the most incredible hoops grid I’ve ever seen. That brain could cure cancer but it’s full of 1970’s NBA role players. Good.

• Read this on your lunch break: the cure for disposable crap is here and it’s insane.

• The Four Biggest Myths of Political Persuasion is a great, timely piece of content.

• TBT to Chris Russo’s head nearly exploding after the Pacman Jones incident over 15 years ago. Bring back radio like this.

• Fuck it: A Tortured Mind, Ep. 2: Beer vs. Wine. Just because it’s Monday.