The Daily Friday: Wednesday 11/1

Everything you need to know to sound smart today.

1. Raiders fire head coach McDaniels who’ll be replaced by Antonio Pierce, ex-Giants LB who drove Plaxico to hospital after shooting himself in the dick region. That’s a leader right there.

2. WeWork will file for bankruptcy as early as next week. I honestly had no idea they still existed: wasn’t that the point of the Anne Hathaway show?

3. 80+ Palestinian refugees evacuated to Egypt after deadly Isaeli strike hits Gaza camp.

4. DeSantis denies wearing height-boosting boots, though experts aren’t convinced. Embrace short king culture: it works great for Spiderman.

5. The FTX trial testimonies has concluded. HERE’S WHAT WE LEARNED.

SBF ENDS TESTIMONY AFTER FOUR DAYS

After 4 days of testifying (it did not go well), FTX cofounder Sam Bankman-Fried aka SBF has taught us a valuable lesson: when in doubt, just say you suck at your job or blame your ex-girlfriend

A ruling from the jury will come sometime next week (he faces 100 years of jail time aka tons of time to make new friends/get jacked in prison) but for now, let’s break down the top highlights from the trial.

• SBF’s ex-girlfriend / co-worker Caroline Ellison testified that Sam bribed China $100 million to release funds, siphoned billions of customer funds, and thought his hair was his most valuable asset. I have to agree: it’s so luscious that it motivated me to throw out my Old Spice 3-in-1 and finally focus on my own locks for the first time ever.

• His co-founder and MIT classmate Gary Wang testified that they both committed wire, securities and commodities fraud. They should make a movie version of this that’s an even nerdier The Social Network. Hopefully they get JT or the hot Asian girl from Suite Life of Zach and Cody (who is married to Macaulay Culkin btw???) to join.

• Lawyers focused on the lavish lifestyle led by the FTX team, including a $35 million apartment in the Bahamas that was shared by 9 employees and so many private jet flights that SBF couldn’t remember. Not being able to recall if you flew private is such a flex. New career goal.

• SBF took the stand for four days to present his case that any fraud was unintentional because he was simply terrible at his job. It did not go well, as he appeared visibly annoyed and adopted a ‘mocking informercial tone’ while answering questions. Giving off big Donald Sterling energy here.

For context on the trial, check out our breakdown from a few weeks back.

DRAGONFLIES ARE SCARY AS FUCK

95% kill rate for dragonflies is astonishing, especially considering they are hunting mosquitoes and flies and shit. My kill rate for those is around 1%.

Tigers really come off looking bad here. A kill rate nearly 5x lower than DOMESTIC CATS is pathetic. Fix your ratio before I fix it for you. Embarrassing.

NBA: Harden gets traded to the Clippers, Chris Broussard loses his mind.

The NBA Brasil accounts are exactly what content should be. Respect.

I hope you guys don’t mind if this newsletter turns into Wemby highlights 3x a week. This dude is unreal.

NFL: Trade Deadline update: 49ers pick up DE Chase Young, Bears get DE Montez Sweat, and Vikings nab Cardinals QB Josh Dobbs. Every other deal can be found here.

Prayers for Davante Adams, who was NOT traded yesterday.

MLB: Rangers take commanding 3-1 lead in series, will try to close out tonight without stars Garcia and Scherzer, who are no longer on the World Series roster.

Can I be honest? I can’t believe baseball is still happening.

OTHER: Saudi Arabia lands World Cup bid for 2034, definitely not through corruption at all.

Dabo Sweeney did not enjoy being criticized by fans for going 4-4.

Try to keep this one straight: Marcus Jordon wants his dad, Michael Jordan, to be his best man when he marries Larsa Pippen, ex-wife of Michael Jordan’s teammate Scottie Pippen. Got it?

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

I think I finally respect Canada after an Ontario teacher who shoved a student into a locker was pardoned by the Crown. That’s a hilarious bit, not a crime.

Guinness World Records is investigating Bobbi, the world’s oldest dog who died at age 31 last week, for being a fucking fraud. This would ruin me.

Leonardo DiCaprio’s new girlfriend spotted shoving her fingies down Leo’s bum-bum. One of the rare situations where I’m insanely jealous of both parties.

 🚨Great Deal Alert 🚨 for just $18,000, you can pay to be mentally and physically abused while climbing up a hill by these fellas. 

THIS ONE SLAPPED

Incredible video. One thing that I definitely don’t want to go unnoticed is Chester’s fit. Suit with sandals is a revolutionary combo that few can master, but of course Mr. Collins pulls it off with ease. Bravo.

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• This is what happens when you drink too much Panera Lemonade.

• A painting that had been missing for 90 years was discovered by someone watching Stuart Little.

• Matthew Perry’s radical honesty.

• Andrew Schulz on the anti-semitism your Jewish friends are feeling the past few weeks. Good watch.

• Anger is proven to help people complete hard tasks. I’m gonna need someone to come scream at me while I write Friday’s newsletter.