The Daily Friday: Wednesday 6/12

1. Hunter Biden found guilty of federal gun charges as trial exposes his penchant for prostitutes, smoking crack, and blasting Fleet Foxes. Sounds like he’s also guilty of being the absolute man.

2. Pope reportedly used gay slurs about other Vatican priests for the second time this month. Pretty rich coming from the man who wears a funny little hat and matching robe set. Just saying.

3. BeReal app purchased by French video game developer for $500 million. I genuinely forgot that thing existed but good for you, BeReal. You were awesome for like 2 weeks during COVID.

4. Chiquita Bananas found liable for funding Colombian terrorist group. Paying cartels to defend your fields & destroy your competitor’s bananas feels like a Nathan for You business idea (genius.)

5. Joey Chestnut has been banned from the hot-dog eating contest. LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.

FINAL REMINDER THAT OUR NEXT MAILBAG DROPS FRIDAY.

Drop your questions at the link below (or feel free to reply directly) and check out our previous mailbags while you’re at it.

JOEY CHESTNUT BANNED FROM HOT DOG CONTEST

The unthinkable has happened. 16 time champion and all-around American Hero Joey Chestnut has been banned from the July 4th Nathan’s Hot Dog eating contest and I’m at a complete loss.

LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.

• Joey recently signed a deal with Impossible Meats to promote their vegan hot dogs. That’s fucking gross, but get your bag Joseph.

• Nathan’s was pissed he took a deal with a rival brand, claiming they’ve ‘bent over backwards’ to accommodate his demands, including letting him participate in a rival eating contest on Labor Day and offered him a 4 year, $1.2 million deal. Look, it’s a superstar league Nathan’s. Talent doesn’t grow on trees.

• Chestnut then claimed that he was stunned and only learned of his banning through social media, that he has no deal with Nathan’s or Major League Eating and they are changing the rules from years past. TEA. This would be like Lebron getting banned from the NBA for playing golf.

I’ll be praying every night for this to be resolved, but there’s a real world where the king won’t be competing, leaving the door open for someone to steal the crown.

My Top 5 Candidates:

1. Takeru Kobayashi: It’s time for the legend to come out of retirement for one last job. And if he still hates the MLE, I’d watch a one-on-one matchup between him and Chestnut. The PPV numbers would be nuts.

2. Nancy Reagan: she’s the Throat Goat. She’s got this on lock. Unfreeze her body or whatever rich people shit she did when she died and give her a shot at the title.

3. Ronnie Doitche: if he can finish an entire 6 pack of Friday Beers during one subway stop and house a pitcher with a Zyn in it, he can slurp down a few hot dogs. PS - this was insane.

4. Bruce Bogtrotter from Matilda: Bro ate a chocolate cake in front of his entire school at 11 years old. He’s not afraid of the moment.

5. Davis Clarke: the man smashed 5 Chipotle burritos in an hour. Pretty sure he can suck down a couple dozen glizzy’s.

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US OPEN: Love is back. Rory and his wife call off their divorce ahead of this weekend’s US Open amid rumors of his relationship with a reporter. My heart is full.

NBA: Celtics sweep watch could be on hold as Kristaps Porzingis ruled as game-time decision for a “torn medial retinaculum allowing dislocation of the posterior tibialis tendon.” We’ve all been there before.

Is Luka the worst defender in basketball history? Discuss.

MLB: Kinda lame that Cardinals fans gave Paul Skenes a standing ovation when he left in the 7th inning. Have some pride St. Louisians or whatever you call yourselves.

Folks, we got ourselves a gluicide squeeze. Stuff of legends.

NHL: Panthers take 2-0 lead Monday off the back of 2 Rodrigues goals and an empty net goal that made our boy CP mega rich ($186.)

Game 3 tomorrow night in Edmonton. Let’s make it a series boys. I need to fill my empty life with something.

NFL: It’s good to see Scott Hanson staying busy in the off-season, as the Red Zone host records a ‘clown’ who was making a Tik-Tok at a car crash. Hero.

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

These brutal texts that Elon sent to female employees prove that there’s one thing money can’t buy and it’s rizz. I’ve never related to a billionaire more.

Oklahoma City gets approved to build skyscraper with ‘unlimited height,’ will be tallest building in the US. Time to build a Chili’s that touches the moon.

New Apple update will let you schedule texts to users. Got a big Hinge date tonight, so time to schedule that ‘sorry I got too drunk last night and fell asleep in the bathroom, hope you had fun!‘ text for tomorrow morning.

A new standard for lawyering just dropped. Young Thug’s lawyer got sentenced to 10 weekends in jail for contempt of court and requested to be jailed with Young Thug. If your lawyer isn’t doing this, fire them ASAP.

HUMP DAY HERO

Vote on who from today’s news is most deserving of the coveted title of Hump Day Hero. Congrats to last week’s hero, Amazon Tribespeople, who got Internet access and immediately became addicted to porn and social media.

THIS ONE SLAPPED

It’s confirmed, AFTV is the new A24. The squad has fully transitioned to full blown comedic short films and I’m absolutely here for it.

Season 3 is off to a hot start. Catch up on everything here.

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• RIP to Jerry West aka The Logo, who died at 86 today. The man was unstoppable.

• This 6 minute baseball movie montage is the perfect thing to throw on while you’re shitting on the clock today.

• Having trouble getting Adderall? You can pay someone in the Phillippines to call pharmacies and see if they’re in stock.

• Read this on your lunch break: the man behind Love is Blind.

• Never forget when Brian Urlacher had 25 tackles and the Bears came back from a 20 point deficit without scoring an offensive TD.

• TBT to the Taliban gaining control, getting cushy desk jobs and becoming incredibly depressed by the 9-5 life. Welcome boys.