The Daily Friday: Wednesday 6/5

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1. MLB suspends Pirates’ Tucupita Murcano for life after betting on baseball, including 25 games involving his own team. Dude hit on just 4% of bets over a 2 year period. One of us.

2. New male birth control gel applied to shoulder shows promise in 86% of clinical patients. Cool, but still not as effective as my current form of birth control: making my sex playlist this song 100x on repeat.

3. President Biden shuts border in Mexico to asylum seekers the same day his son Hunter goes to trial for gun charges. Coincidence? Probably.

4. Louisiana lawmakers approve bill to allow surgical castration for convicted child molesters. Guess Diddy can never go to New Orleans again. Tough blow.

5. Remote Amazon tribe finally got to see porn. LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.

PS - the geniuses at Almost Friday TV just dropped the first episode of Season 3. Give it a watch and support the fellas. Back to the news.

TRIBE GETS HIGH SPEED INTERNET

Welcome to the good life, Amazonians.

The remote Amazon tribe of Marubo finally got access to high-speed internet thanks to Elon Musk’s Starlink and it’s gone exactly how you’d think: everyone is addicted to porn, scams and social media. You’re welcome, guys 🙏🏻

LET’S BREAK IT DOWN

• 9 months ago, Starlink arrived in the Marubo villages deep in the Amazon rainforest, thanks to efforts by activists and several tribespeople who hiked for days with antennas on their backs. Massive Lewis and Clark vibes. Respect.

• Almost immediately, the people became addicted, spending hours a day on social media, playing first person shooting games, and falling for scams. Just wait until they find out there’s a website named after their river where you can buy anything from a Crock-Pot to a Cock-Ring. Game changer.

• The biggest concern for the elders of the tribe has been the addiction to graphic porn among the men. They went from a society so chaste that they don’t kiss in public to one where dudes watch step-sister POV daily and send links to their boys in group chats. Extremely relatable. Shoot me a text if you guys want any website recommendations.

• In a tribe where “if you don’t hunt, you don’t eat,” being on your phone all day became a massive problem. According to one elder, “young people have become lazy because of the Internet” (good to know there are Amazonian Boomers as well) and “they’re learning the ways of the white people” (there’s plenty of non-white people involved in porn, trust me.) The village had to limit access to 2 hours in the morning and 5 in the evening, which would cut my screen-time in half. Kinda jealous.

• Still, many tribespeople did speak to the benefits of access, including the ability to contact authorities in case of emergencies, stay in touch with family, and how it opened their eyes to the larger world. One teenager said she now has dreams of becoming a dentist in San Paolo. Yo, me too. That’d be sick.

Honestly, I kinda feel bad for them. The Internet is fucking awesome but we were lucky enough to slowly learn how to use it over the course of decades, instead of having to drink it from a firehose like they do.

If any Marubians are subscribed, please reply to this email. I’ll DoorDash you some food so you don’t have to hunt tonight 🤝🤝🤝

The Rising Demand for Whiskey: A Smart Investor’s Choice

Why are 250,000 Vinovest customers investing in whiskey?

In a word - consumption.

Global alcohol consumption is on the rise, with projections hitting new peaks by 2028. Whiskey, in particular, is experiencing significant growth, with the number of US craft distilleries quadrupling in the past decade. Younger generations are moving from beer to cocktails, boosting whiskey's popularity.

That’s not all.

Whiskey's tangible nature, market resilience, and Vinovest’s strategic approach make whiskey a smart addition to any diversified portfolio.

Schedule a call with a Vinovest advisor to learn more.

FRENCH OPEN: Djokovic withdraws from tournament with torn meniscus, could skip Wimbledon and stay in Paris to focus on Olympics. He should join the poop protest.

NFL: McCaffrey restructures deal with 49ers to make him the highest paid RB in the league as CeeDee Lamb holds out of minicamp for new extension. The man has always been about that money.

WNBA: Angel Reese ejected the day after controversy surrounding her comments on Caitlin Clark. She really is the Draymond Green of the WNBA.

MLB: We had a very rare head AND nut shot last night. YAHTZEE!

The duality of man: Bobby Witt Jr. crushes 2 HRs (including a 454 foot bomb) while also making a baddd error that cost the Royals the game. He’s still the future of baseball and you can’t tell me otherwise.

NBA: JJ Redick is reportedly the current front runner for the Laker’s head coach position. The best way to get a job these days is to start a podcast.

One more sleep until the Finals. I’ve got Boston in 5. No further questions at this time.

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

I have officially forgiven Will Smith for slapping Chris Rock after seeing this Bad Boys clip. Our first combination actor-rapper-cinematographer-slapper.

Nvidia CEO signs rack of lucky woman at conference. Kids, put down the guitar and pick up your coding machines: tech CEOs are the new rockstars.

Man who went viral for driving with a suspended license was the victim of a clerical error. Does that mean I have to return all my new wall art? Sucks.

They need to make Bring Your Child to Work Day a permanent fixture in Washington so we can get more content like this. This kid is electric.

HUMP DAY HERO

Vote on who from today’s news is most deserving of the coveted title of Hump Day Hero. Congrats to last week’s hero, Birmingham-Southern, a D3 baseball team who was playing in the WS for a school that no longer existed.

AFTV SEASON 3 JUST DROPPED

Just another reminder that we are so, so back. If Liam doesn’t get his Oscar for this one, I will be storming the Hollywood sign to demand justice.

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• Massive congrats to Will, Liam and Emily from the Almost Friday Pod, who made Esquire’s top 20 podcasts of 2024. LFG.

• This NBA season has been hilarious.

• Read this on your lunch break: How Bowlero (and private equity) are ruining the local bowling alley.

• How to impress a time-traveller from the past in 30 seconds.

• The 20 Best Movie Henchmen of the 21st Century is an amazing way to kill 45 minutes at work today.

• Really hoping that the Hunter Biden challenge is not the next craze to sweep the Internet.