The Daily Friday: Wednesday 6/19

1. RIP to baseball great Willie Mays, who passed away at the age of 93 after a life full of iconic moments on and off the field. Of course, Nick Castellanos rose to the occasion.

2. Happy Juneteenth to all, which is in its third official year as a federal holiday. PSA: this is why banks are closed today (don’t want you to end up like this guy.)

3. Los Angeles becomes first county to ban cell phones and social media in schools. How the hell are students supposed to cheat on their tests or have rizz parties now? Fix it.

4. Nvidia passes Microsoft to officially become the most valuable company in the entire world. Bill Gates should start signing ladies’ chests if they want to take back the throne.

5. Former star Justin Timberlake was arrested for a DWI. LET’S BREAK IT DOWN

BRINGING SEXY BAC(OVER 0.8)K

Justin Timberlake, star of the Trolls trilogy and ex-boyfriend of Brittney Spears, was arrested Monday night for driving while intoxicated in the Hamptons.

LET’S BREAK IT DOWN

• At dinner with friends in Sag Harbor, according to witnesses, JT got wasted and was ‘drinking other people’s drinks.’ Bro stole my go-to broke guy move (swipe some half-finished drinks left behind by strangers at a bar, combine them in a pint glass, mix into a delicious stew, and slurp it down before you taste it.)

• While driving home, Justin (allegedly) ran through a stop sign and swerved in the middle of an empty street, before he was pulled over by a cop. Drinking while driving is bad, but why he shouldn’t even be driving sober to begin with. The second I make my first million, I’m hiring 4 dudes to carry me around like DJ Khaled. 

• He told police he had ‘one martini at dinner’ and muttered under his breath ‘this is going to ruin the tour,’ a phrase that I am absolutely going to start saying the next time something goes badly in my life. It’s important to always cultivate an air of mystery and grandeur.

• The cop was confused by what he meant by ‘the tour,’ because he was too young to recognize Justin Timberlake. That’s gotta sting worse for JT than the extremely public DWI charge. Sure N’SYNC ended like 20 years ago, but bro hasn’t even seen shitty No Strings Attached? It’s on TBS like twice a week.

• He could faces up to a year in jail and has a court hearing next month, but will face something much worse before then: the wrath of Britney fans, who helped her song ‘Criminal’ sky-rocket in the last 24 hours. 

CELEBRATE WITH A FRIDAY BEER

Congrats, Bostonians. You finally got your long-awaited championship after a brutal 1,962 day drought between titles. My heart was breaking for you.

Celebrate by sucking down America’s most shotgunnable light beer: the Friday Beer. For everyone else not in Boston, you can have one too. You deserve it.

NHL: McDavid racks up 4 points as the Oilers win Game 5 in Florida and we just might have a series on our hands. Thank god.

The flashing Oilers fan has set the record STRAIGHT. Respect to the queen.

NBA: Celtics dominate to claim their 18th championship as Payton Pritchard drills ANOTHER half-court shot (this video perfectly captures his 6 step travel 🙏🏻,) Jaylen Brown takes home Finals MVP and Joe Mazulla finally gets to watch The Town as many times as he wants while he recovers from a torn meniscus.

EUROS: Going to my barber today and asking for the Landon Donovan. Time to break that dry spell once and for all, boys.

MLB: Paul Eskene continues to dominate the MLB, picks off Elly De La Cruz.

It doesn’t get more electric than a walk-off home run rob. Holy fuck.

OLYMPICS: I simply don’t understand how they built a full-ass Olympic sized pool in Lucas Oil Stadium, but I expect nothing less from the man who flew an orca across the country. Respect.

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

I don’t care how much Skibidi Toilet they watch, if Gen Alpha can skate like this 9 year old who pulled off a three 900s, they’re gonna turn out just fine.

A Vermont lawmaker was busted pouring water into the bag of a rival colleague on a DAILY basis over the course of 5 months. Love this move. That’ll fucking show him.

A mysterious monolith appears in the Vegas desert. I hope it’s aliens, but it’s most likely a “viral” ad for like Walmart+ or some bullshit SaaS startup. Love this world.

Thanks for making this popcorn holder, Despicable Me 4 marketing team, but if I can’t fuck it, I’m simply not interested. I hope you understand.

HUMP DAY HERO

Vote on who is most deserving of the coveted title of Hump Day Hero. Congrats to last week’s hero, Young Thug’s lawyer, who asked to share a cell with his client after he was given jail time for contempt of court. Legend.

THIS ONE SLAPPED

I’ll watch any video that hinges on Jason DeRulo’s 2010 classic Riding Solo. It’s just a bonus that this one ALSO happens to capture that moment when you and your boy learn valuable lessons about the dangers of algorithmic content feeds and take your lives into your own hands. Love when that happens.

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• All time baseball brawl over the weekend featured a dude swinging his bat at the catcher. Fuck it, best baseball brawls ever compilation.

• Read this on your lunch break: Why you have a voice in your head when you read.

• In awe of this 4 year old basketball coach mixtape. He could probably get at least 25 wins out of the Pistons.

• How the Ottawa response to the trucker protest was doomed from the start.

• Whoever had the idea for the 1986 Ohio Balloonfest was a goddam genius. Brilliant idea, horrible execution. The original Fyre Fest.

• A guide to all of Tom Hardy’s accents. Just in case you got confused.