The Daily Friday: Wednesday 7/10

1. Shrek 5 sequel is officially dropping and I can’t wait to see what that popcorn bucket looks like. This is going to be me on July 1, 2026.

2. Spain beats France in Euros as 16-year-old becomes youngest goal-scorer in tourney history. When I was 16, I drank a water bottle of all my parent’s liquor mixed together and puked in my twin bed. Same thing.

3. Trump challenges Biden to golf match for $1 million, offers to give him 20 strokes.This would be the most electric golf match since Happy Gilmore drilled a putt off a TV tower. Play it as it lies.

4. Alec Baldwin ‘Rust’ trial begins, as actor faces 18 months for involuntary manslaughter. I hope they let him off so we can finally get a Boss Baby 3. Last one ended on an absolute cliffhanger.

5. A 44 year old politician threw a 100 pitch gem in a pro baseball game. LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.

REAL LIFE KEVIN COSTNER

It’s only July, but I’m calling it: 44 year old Iowa state representative J.D. Scholten is the 2024 Glue Guy of the Year. LET’S BREAK IT DOWN

• Scholten pitched at the University of Nebraska and led the team in ERA in 2002, before playing for independent teams (including the Sioux City Explorers) and internationally until he retired in ‘07. He’s also a baseball nut whose campaign website lists ‘eliminating MLB blackouts’ as a top priority. Finally, a politician who cares about real issues. Got my vote.

• During COVID, Scholten became obsessed with watching YouTube videos of pitching break-downs (same here but 6 hour drone shots of Norway compilations and old Shoenice videos.) He put the lessons to work, found he could throw in the mid-80s and joined a men’s league in Sioux City. I too had a COVID hobby that stuck around for years (6 beers a night and zero exercise.)

• One day, Scholten ran into his old Sioux City manager Steve Montgomery and jokingly mentioned he’d be willing to cover some innings if needed. On Saturday, Montgomery found himself without any healthy pitchers and called Scholten, who was volunteering at a music festival, to help. This is like when you offer to help your friend move and they actually take you up on it, but a good version.

• 90 minutes later, Scholten was warming up. He threw 100 pitches over 6 2/3 innings before exiting with a 11-2 lead and a standing ovation. This is like Kevin Costner, Dennis Quaid, and my dad in my coach’s pitch league when I was 8 (he struck out every kid, couldn’t help himself) wrapped into one.

Life lesson: if you stay ready, you don’t have to get ready.

ALMOST RIKI’D

What’s up, smart and beautiful readers of The Daily Friday. Today we’d like to make a very special introduction to our new friend Riki - aka our new favorite canned mixed drink, Soon, it’ll be yours too. 

Here’s why. 

1. Riki Gets You Drunk: Each drink is 7% ABV, giving you way more bang for your buck. If you’re not a math guy, that’s equivalent to 1.5 shots per can, 2.5 shots per tall boy, and 1 bottle of alcohol per 12 pack. That’s 55% higher ABV than High Noon! Pretty damn good. 

2. Riki Tastes Delicious: Riki’s made with award-winning Breckenridge Distillery spirits (vodka and tequila) and is chock-full of all-natural fruit juice in every sip. Scrumptious. 

3. Riki Has Insane Giveaways: we’re partnering with Riki to send 4 lucky winners to Vegas on Labor Day Weekend (here’s how to enter) plus way more fun shit down the road. Stay tuned. 

So, what are you waiting for?

CFB: Mike Gundy is an all-time ride or die coach, basically admits to DUI-ing ‘probably 1,000 times in his life’ to defend his player. Big brain move.

TOUR DE FRANCE: Sorry to this cyclist who was fined $220 for stopping to kiss his wife and son but real sigmas know: having love in your life is a horrible financial decision. Simple fact of life.

WIMBLEDON: Taylor Fritz is the last great American hope, battles today for the chance to face Djokovic in the semis. Come on big fella, we need you.

EATING: Scandal has rocked the Nathan’s Hot Dog eating contest, as Nick Wehry is accused of cheating in this year’s contest. Bring back Joey.

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

Man kicked out of restaurant for trying to butt-funnel a margarita out of his wife’s ass. Total bullshit, the margs were supposed to be bottomless. AYO!

Congrats to NYC mayor Eric Adams for inventing trash cans and only needing $4M to do it. This is why I always pay double taxes #tipyourmayor 🙏🏻

Man sues Vegas stripper $38M for misleading him that they were dating. Does he also sue Chick-Fil-A workers for not being his actual friends?

Scientists invent machine that turns air into water. Sick. I invented a machine that turns beer into piss soaked pants (it’s my mouth.) Don’t see me bragging.

Here is the full margarita butt funnel video btw. WARNING: it is foul. Enjoy.

HUMP DAY HERO

Vote on who deserves the coveted title of Hump Day Hero. Congrats to last week’s hero, Luther Martin, the drunkest Founding Father of all time.

THIS ONE SLAPPED

One of the most relatable sketches the AFTV crew has put out. Who among us has not learned their new girlfriend previously dated a 125 year old sea-farer with a missing eye and a dark and mysterious past?

Make sure you are smashing that subscribe button and catching up on all 6 videos from Season 3. Thank you my friends.

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• Despite rumors, it seems that Cartoon Network is NOT closing. Thank god. Still a good excuse to take a trip down memory lane.

• It’s gotta suck to be this guy, the worst pro tennis player. Everyone thinks you suck but you’re still top 1% in the world.

• Read this on your lunch break: how to beat the car dealership.

• AirHelp ranked the best airports in the world. Shoutout Detroit airport. That place fucking slaps.

• Laughed out loud at this impression of Trump meeting a minion.

• There has never been a more juiced man than Albert Belle. Legalize steroids please. We need more of this shit.