The Daily Friday: Wednesday 7/3

1. Dua Lipa has gone Instagram official with her new boyfriend, a skinny little rat fuck who has never even been captain of their JV football team or exceeded 5k Zyn rewards points. I’m happy for her.

2. Greece introduces a 6 day work week into legislation. Disgusting. Everyone should be working 7 days a week to add as much shareholder value as possible. Someone needs to tip these landlords 🙏🏻

3. Kemba Walker retires from the NBA after 12 seasons. Nothing will touch his 11 game run with UConn to take them from 9th place in the Big East to 2011 national champions. Legend.

4. Joey Chestnut is taking his talents to an army base after being banned from Nathan’s contest, will try to eat more hot dogs than 4 soldiers combined. He should do a 9-9-9 but every inning (81-81-9?)

5. The 4th of July is tomorrow. Make sure you stock up on BBQ supplies now, before this guy takes it all. Can’t have that happen.

Quick heads up that they’ll be no email from us on Friday. Hopefully this all-time banger from AFTV eases the pain. See you guys next week.

BEST FOUNDING FATHERS TO PARTY WITH

Today, our Founding Fathers are best known for declaring independence from England. But during their lives, they were perhaps better known for declaring their independence from something much more tyrannical..sobriety.

In honor of the 4th of July, let’s break down our Top 3 Founding Fathers to Party With.

#3: John Hancock: Quick history lesson on the guy who signed big to overcompensate for something small.

John Hancock was the America’s original trust fund kid. He got into Harvard because the dean owed his dad a favor. When he graduated, he inherited his family’s massive shipping merchant empire, which he ran into the ground because he was addicted to smuggling illegal items into America and repeatedly had to pay massive fines for it. That’ll do it.

Every group needs a John Hancock. Sure, he’s a real ‘do you know who my father is’ type. But you keep him around because he’s easy to make fun of (he has cock in his name,) always shows up to the party with free illegal items (drugs,) and he’s willing to use his dad’s credit card for everything.

#2: Alexander Hamilton: My information about him is exclusively from the Hamilton soundtrack but I’m going to trust that Lin Manuel Miranda did his homework on it.

Dude seems like a blast to party with, but your night will get aggressive quickly. The man was addicted to dueling and literally punched a bursar. You’re absolutely going to be getting in a bar fight.

You just have to accept whenever you drink together, you’re going to wake up the next morning on your couch with a cracked iPhone, random bruises on your legs and an insane story. He’s a wild card and you have to respect that.

#1: Luther Martin: One of the least significant Founding Fathers will be remembered for one thing: his full blown alcoholism.

A historian wrote of him – “No one, perhaps in the whole of American history, could drink with Luther Martin.”

To sum this guy up, once when he was a lawyer representing a Quaker in court, he agreed to not drink a drop of alcohol to be respectful of the man’s religious beliefs (Quakers don’t drink I guess.) But he never said anything about eating booze soaked food, so he poured an entire bottle of 90-Proof brandy over a loaf of bread, ate it with a fork and knife, and proceeded to win the case. No notes.

A REVOLUTIONARY BEER

This 4th of July, there’s only one beverage that should be in your cooler: Friday Beers. It’s what the Founding Fathers would have wanted.

We have been spreading the gospel of our delicious ale from sea to shining sea, with flags planted in New York, Massachusetts, Rhode Island, Tennessee, North Carolina and New Hampshire so far, but we want to go full Manifest Destiny with this thing (in a chill way.)

Help us share the sweet nectar with the rest of the world by doing one simple thing: buying every case in every store in every town in America where it’s currently available. Pretty simple ask, thanks team 🤝 

NBA: Klay Thompson signs with the Mavericks, breaking up a 13 year Warriors run. RIP to the Splash Brothers, greatest to ever do it.

Bronny has clearly learned from his father, tells media it never crossed his mind that he and Lebron would be on the same team. Generational liars.

Celtics ownership gets ready to sell team after shelling out $500 million+ in future contracts to Tatum, White, and others this month. Love this move.

FOOTBALL: Team USA’s woes continue in American football, as we lose to Team Austria, and Rest of the World football, as the men’s team fails to make it out of Copa group play. Maybe we should just focus on cricket.

OLYMPICS: Extremely jealous of the US Women’s Water Polo team, who signed Flava Flav as their official hype man. I wish every job had a hype man.

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

Cup Noodles has released a S’Mores flavored ramen for you sick fucks who crave the taste of campfire in your hot noodles. Science has gone too far.

RIP to Charlotte the Stingray, who made history by getting pregnant despite never being near a male stingray. Out of solidarity, I will also be dying a virgin.

If Nick Cannon is going to insure his balls for $10M, then Benedict Thumbersnatch should have a $1B policy on that long fucking neck of his. It’s a national treasure.

RFK Jr. says he’d eat ‘virtually anything,’ but not a dog or human flesh. So that means he eats ass? I knew Cheryl Hines was sticking around for a reason.

HUMP DAY HERO

Vote on who is most deserving of the coveted title of Hump Day Hero. Congrats to last week’s hero, Drunk PGA Golfer, who crushed 3 beers before a playoff and pulled out the W.

THIS ONE SLAPPED

Beautiful story, masterfully told. Personally, I want to learn more about the blind guy. I really hope there’s a sequel.

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• Watch Willy D interview Bradley Stevens Perry of ‘Good Luck Charlie’ fame as he tried to suck down $60 of In-N-Out. Fantastic convo.

• The Oral History of Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story is everything I hoped it would be and more.

• Respect to Nancy Lieberman, the current head coach of a BIG3 team and WNBA player who made a comeback at age 50 (!) Legend.

• Read this on your lunch break: The Adoption Paradox.

• Fuck it, final drive of the 2006 Texas-USC Rose Bowl. Vince Young is a God and he always will be.