The Daily Friday: Wednesday 7/17

1. Paris mayor takes a swim in the Seine to prove river’s cleanliness. Little warning would’ve been nice, lady. I could’ve shit it up for ya first.

2. Eventful RNC enters its third day, as JD Vance has been named VP, Matt Gaetz gets bullied and this dog officially becomes my new favorite politician.

3. Skip Bayless is leaving FS1 in the fall, as ratings plummet after Shannon Sharpe’s departure. Luckily he’s only 72. He’s got 10 more years to figure his life out before he’s old enough to run for President.

4. Zyn is building a $600 million factory in Colorado to help meet growing demand. I’d like to formally submit my application as a product tester. I will take payment in 6 mg Wintergreens 🤝

5. Scientists found habitable moon caves. LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.

LET’S LIVE ON THE MOON

I think I found my next apartment.

This week, scientists discovered habitable underground caves on the moon that could shelter astronauts on future trips. LET’S BREAK IT DOWN

• The caves were found in the Sea of Tranquility, not far from where Buzz Aldrin and Neil Armstrong staged a moon landing 55 years ago. Roughly 130 feet wide and several yards long, the caves formed from empty lava tubes. There’s lava AND cheese on the moon? LFG.

• Scientists hope that the caves could provide natural shelter against the harsh lunar environment and potentially house astronauts as soon as 20-30 years from now. Are these caves going to be rent-controlled? I’m totally fine subletting from an alien/astronaut if the price is right.

• One downside to living here: the cave is so deep that astronauts might need jet packs to get out of it. Massive pain in the ass if you need to pop out for a quick bodega run before the pregame. Hopefully they have GoPuff up there (imagine getting a Blue Moon delivered to you ON the moon? Chills.)

• The cave has yet to be fully explored, though researchers count on ground-breaking radar or even robots to map it. Can they let us know if it’s haunted by dead aliens at all? Sleeping in space is scary enough but ghosts are a dealbreaker for me. That’s the only reason I’m not an astronaut.

HOLD THE PHONE

Hold the Phone, we’ve got Vegas on Line 1. Welcome to a new live show dedicated purely to the art of bets and sweats, where the back door is always open.

Hosted by Dr. Locks and Glue Guy, we’re live every Tuesday and Friday during the summer of a simple six outs.  Presented by the fellas at BetMGM.

First episode launches Friday at 11 am EST. Let’s ride.

MLB: Red Sox’s Jarren Duran wins All-Star MVP as AL pulls out a 5-3 win, overshadowing Ohtani’s HR and a scoreless first inning from Paul Skenes.

NBA: #2 overall pick Alex Sarr goes 0-15 in 30 minutes of Summer League action. Tony Snell - the torch has officially been passed. You can rest easy.

NFL: Gotta feel for Giants’ owner John Mara. Dude hasn’t slept in MONTHS.

49ers receiver Brandon Aiyuk formally requests a trade from San Francisco. He’s just butthurt that he wasn’t included in the new Receivers doc (fire btw)

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

Good luck to Ingrid Andress with her recovery, but I gotta say: getting drunk and singing the worst national anthem in memory is a hell of a way to go out.

Love this dating app that predicts a man’s schlong size by analyzing hand pics. Better to get the disappointment out of the way before the first date.

I might have to start Cash App-ing Kanye a monthly stipend so he can buy his loving wife some clothing. She’s gonna get herself sick dressed like that.

After 40 years of hardship, happy hours could be legal again in Boston. This better pass or I’m throwing all the city’s beer in the harbor, diving in, and not coming out until I drink the river dry. I might just do that anyways.

HUMP DAY HERO

Vote on who deserves the coveted title of Hump Day Hero. Congrats to last week’s hero, JD Scholten, the 44 year old politician who threw 6 shut out innings on 90 minutes notice. Legend.

THIS ONE SLAPPED

This inspired me to finally buy that nice scarf I’ve been eyeing and order a full-bodied Cabernet at happy hour tonight. That’s the point of the sketch right?

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• Gotta feel for this guy who proposed to his girlfriend on Saturday. Really tough timing there.

• I’m strongly considered buying a $99 apocalypse bucket from Costco. It can’t hurt, right?

• This author learned just how hard it is to make friends as an adult.

• Doesn’t get much better than Shane Gillis as Trump on the live podcast Kill Tony. The full episode is a banger and a half.

• Read this on your lunch break: the new age of Tik-Tok exorcists.

• Today’s episode of Playdate Pod is laugh out loud funny. Check it out.

PS: before we go, just wanna give a quick happy birthday shoutout to our boy Nate Anderson. You’re the man. May you live forever.