To get us through the last Monday of 2025, it’s time for the only award show that matters in today’s media….THE 3ND ANNUAL HORNY AWARDS (check out all our other awards from the year, also broken down on our podcast.)
HORNIEST POLITICIAN
A politician’s job is to represent the interests of their civilians. Most civilians are extremely horny and they have been throughout history. To be human is to be horny.
In 2025, our politicians went above and beyond. And for that, we thank them.
This man will make a run for this next year. I don’t know how and I don’t know why, but I just feel it in my bones
THE CANDIDATES
RFK Jr. with Olivia Nuzzi: I now know what ‘felching’ means thanks to their leaked sexts (incredible article about it here.) My biggest shock from this whole thing is that she’d want to have phone sex with a guy who has that voice. Sexuality is a mystery.
German Parliamentary Twitter Reply Guy: being so publicly horny online that you had to withdraw from a German parliamentary race is very relatable. At least he can comment ‘nice boobs’ in peace now.
Cranking While Driving Florida Sheriff: poor guy was forced to resign when he was caught watching porn while driving after he crashed into another car. You want him to go a full 8 hours without a little crank? How in the hell is he supposed to think straight?
Eric Adams Eggs On New Yorkers: spent last week telling New Yorkers to stay inside during a snowstorm because it was “good baby-making weather.” Say no more sir. From now on, I will only be having sex when Eric Adams tells me to 😤
Louisiana Mayor Using Tax Dollars for Good: the man used funds to hire a prostitute and rent an AirBnB to visit her. Don’t want to speak for Lousianians but that’s exactly where I’d want my money going. Horniness can cloud your judgment as mayor.
Who Was This Year's Horniest Politician
HORNIEST EX-ATHLETE
They may have retired from professional sports, but they have not retired from being life-alteringly horny.
Brings me no joy to say that we are likely one year away from Tiger being eligible for this category
THE CANDIDATES:
Steve Smith Sr.’s Sexting: retirement can be hard. One way to pass the time is by sexting a Raven's marching band member so much her husband loses his goddam mind on Twitter. This photo will now be used for every risky text I send moving forward.
Shaun Alexander’s Strong Swimmers: he and his wife are expecting their 14th child, enough for an active NBA roster. Respect. If you’re going to be horny, it should be for your wife. Put this man in the HoF.
Conor McGregor Shouldn’t Have a Phone: the ex-fighter and overall bad guy had his spot blown up by Azelia Banks, who shared screenshots of DMs he sent her with dumbbells attached to his penis. A sentence I never thought I’d write at a paying job.
Ochocinco Goes for Ocho Inches: told a charming story to Stephen A Smith about how he got schlong enhancement surgery after a woman told him “go deeper” but he was “already in…he’d run out of pee-pee.” Thank you for sharing your struggle Ocho.
Who Was The Horniest Ex-Athlete This Year
THING THAT MADE US THE HORNIEST
Do yourself a favor and don’t click any of these links at work or really in public at all.
See Through Red Carpet Dress Trend: Margot Robbie. Dakota Johnson. Sydney Sweeney. Kanye’s wife that looks like Kim. I mean, Jesus Christ. You show these pics to a Pilgrim & his heart, dick and brain would explode at once. Look at all we have.
Beaver Edits: honestly, this entire thread is getting me hot and bothered. Who needs sex when you have 45 minutes of every Keenan Allen 3rd down conversion and Viktor Krum as a shark? Horniness does not have to be sexual. Don’t forget that.
Jamie Lee Curtis’s Mommy Milkers: a true heaving bosom. This was the only way to promote a family movie, if you ask me. Good lord.
Dua Lipa Splitting the G: a fake fan would point to a photos like these or a video like this of Ms. Lipa and say “ooooo pretty lady perfect body dancing sexy my pee pee feel good.” Neanderthals. The true essence of eroticism transcends carnal lust. Their is something about the indescribable, irresistible pull of a woman who is just as comfortable in a dingy British pub as she is on stage for millions. Can’t be replicated.
Livvy Dunne’s Armpit Sweat: ignore everything i just said above. Sometimes horny is horny.
What Made You the Horniest This Year
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PUBLICLY HORNY CITIZEN OF THE YEAR
If you’re a great masturbator, why keep your gifts to yourself? Why not share with a crowd? THE CANDIDATES
Lowe’s Shed Lover: police found him in a Lowe’s display shed with Vaseline, his pants around his ankles and his phone out. Not seeing the crime. He could have easily been moisturizing his legs while watching Peter Griffin compilations. Very normal thing to do.
Serial Butt Sniffer: busted multiple times this year for sneaking up behind people and giving their butts a big ol’ whiff and inhale. Just now learning that this is illegal. Going to have to make some serious life changes.
System of a Down Fan: can’t believe this man was beaten up by attendees and thrown out of a show for choking the chicken in his seat. Can you blame him? He’s taking in some Armenian heavy metal, easily the sexiest genre of music.
Anyone in Seattle’s Denny Blaine Park: neighbors are demanding answers after ‘rampant masturbation’ takes over a Seattle park. Here’s the answer: masturbation is awesome. Not that complicated.
Who Was the Most Publicly Horny Citizen of the Year
You’ve done enough reading. Let’s do some rapid fire categories, shall we?
UNFAIRLY FIRED FALCONER OF THE YEAR: the falconer who handled Italian soccer club Lizio’s bald eagle, was fired for the simple crime of posting pictures of his prothestic penis while expressing support for Mussolini. Unjust and without cause.
Does this LOOK like the kind of man who would post pictures of his prothesthic penis and express support for a dictator? Actually, yes. Yes it does.
HORNIEST COLLECTION OF MONKS: the 9 Thai Buddhist monks who were all sex-extorted by one woman, who made off with millions after she seduced and filmed herself porking them. Look, it happens. Don’t beat yourself up, boys.
POLYCULE OF THE YEAR: The “Pyramid” aka the 5 person group of early 2000s R&B star and noted fedora wearer Ne-Yo plus his 4 girlfriends that was introduced to the world this year. Thanks for making us feel 4x as bad about our dating lives, man.
HORNIEST CEO: Kohl’s CEO funneled millions of deal dollars to a Bed Bath & Beyond CEO, who also happened to be his FWB. What, no Outback Steakhouse coupons as well? Meredith from The Office did it first and better.
SKIMS INNOVATION OF THE YEAR: what are we even doing here, guys?
I offered ONE time to donate some hair for this and now I am being hunted like a dog across the country by Kardashians for my thick, abundant pubes. Leave me alone Kris.
HONEY-POT OF THE YEAR: Silicon Valley execs are reportedly getting honey-potted by Chinese and Russian spies who have ‘very sophisticated LinkedIns’ (aka a hot girl as their profile picture) This is why we can’t have nerds running the world.
COUGAR OF THE YEAR: 49 y/o Charlize Theron went on a date this year with a 26 y/o who ‘was really fucking amazing.’ There is a world where that person was Lonnie Walker IV or my buddy Mark who lives in Stamford. Just something to think about.
HORNIEST ANIMAL OF THE YEAR: A very happy Father’s Day is in order for this 134 year old tortoise, who became a father for the first time. Turtle Viagra is stronger than crack. Let’s absolutely go.
This was exactly like the final scene in Marty Supreme (IYKYK)
Have a wonderful New Year’s Eve everyone. See you in 2026 🤝🤝🤝
Please ask us some questions. That would be chill.
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