The Daily Friday: Friday 1/31

1. Astronomers find asteroid with a 1.7% chance of hitting Earth in 7 years, the highest likelihood ever recorded. I’ve hit parlays with worse odds. Dear lord, please let this happen.

2. Raven’s kicker Justin Tucker facing allegations of inappropriate sexual behavior at multiple massage parlors that banned him from 2012-2016. Any time your lawyers have to come out and say this, you might be cooked.

3. PETA is petitioning to replace Punxsutawney Phil with a vegan ‘weather reveal cake’ on Sunday’s Groundhog Day. We cannot let this happen. He’s easily my top 5 vermins and it’s not even close. GOAT.

4. Lays Potato Chip recall reaches highest level of concern, as FDA warns the Classic chips could cause ‘death.’ Give me 10 bags. If I’m going out, I’ll go out doing what I love.

5. Mr. Beast’s offer to buy Tik-Tok has secured over $20B in investment. I swear to God, if he fucks with the algorithm and I have to actually watch one of his videos for the first time in my life, I’m going to throw my phone in the ocean.

We’re doing an extra special version of the newsletter today and answering your questions on bachelor party tips, hangovers at work, eating flavored condoms and more.

We included some snippets below but you can read the full version here. Back to our regularly scheduled programming on Monday. Enjoy.

MONTHLY MAILBAG

This flavored condom has been staring me down all week, do I say fuck it and chew that shit like bubble gum? - Anonymous

I think you got to, man. Life is meant to be lived. It’s a big buffet and you need to try every cuisine at least once. Metaphorically and also literally.

Sure, the condom probably tastes horrible, but there’s no loss there. It’s not like condoms were part of your current snack rotation (hopefully.)

But what if that condom tastes delicious? What if the taste of banana and latex is the perfect combination of flavor that you’ve been chasing for years? You’re depriving yourself of a life-changing treat just because you’re scared? Don’t be afraid of life.

You can’t spend the rest of your days wondering. Chew that shit up. And let me know what it tastes like. I’m in the market for a new treat.

Heading on my first bachelor party this weekend. - Anonymous

Didn’t really phrase that one as a question, did you Anonymous? But I’m assuming you’re looking for some tips or advice. Here’s what I got.

• Always get the early flight home. Pay more for the direct flight if you need to.

• Drink water constantly. You should be drinking more than Brooke Shields in 2023. Recovery is a weekend long challenge and you need to stay ahead of it.

• Groom pays for nothing.

• Help out once in a big, public way so you can then be a piece of shit the rest of the weekend.

  • For instance, if you’re up early Saturday morning because your body won’t stop vibrating after you drank 11 Red Bull-Jamesons and snorted half of Colombia last night, do a living room/kitchen clean up. Doesn’t have to be a deep clean just throw out the cups and wipe the counters. Everyone will wake up and be like “wow dude this place looks great. Feel free to puke in my bed tonight.” W.

  • Or you can grill. Everyone likes grill guy.

• Do NOT dress up in themed costumes or shirts or whatever. Unless it’s really sick.

• Don’t over-program with too many events. It’s expensive and people get exhausted by night 2.

  • The most fun moments usually are drinking around the AirBnB and then reminiscing while hungover the next morning anyways.

Sidenote –  why does every movie have the bachelor party the night before the wedding? When has that ever happened? A bachelor party requires at least a 3 days recovery period. Why would you want to be that hungover for your wedding? I would recommend NOT doing that if you’re a groom.

THE DOC’S LOCKS

A quick break to check in with the good doctor, Dr. Locks MD, for this week’s batch of picks. As always, we’ll be partnering with BetMGM, so make sure you sign up today using FBDAILY for up to $1500 in free bets.

As we prepare for the Super Bowl (keep your eyes peeled for some picks in each edition next week,) it’s time to shift our focus to the new frontier in gambling: college hoops.

SEASON RECORD (COLLEGE HOOPS): 0-0

4 TEAM PARLAY: Miss St ML + St. Johon’s ML + Auburn ML + Tennessee ML

The breakfast parlay for the good folks out on the West Coast. Lock this in tonight and wake up to a fake little balance in your account tomorrow morning.

Mississippi is hunting for that big SEC win to prove they’re the real deal. St. John’s is smoking hot. Auburn’s the #1 team in the country for a reason. And Tennessee is due for a bounceback. What’s not to love? Book it.

Gambling problem? Call 1-800-GAMBLER (Available in the US) Call 1-800-327-5050 (MA)

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RAPID FIRE RESPONSES

Some more quick hitters from the mailbag.

Why is my washing machine leaking? Jimmy

Ohhh look at me, I’m rich and have a washing machine in my apartment. Fuck you man. Your washing machine is leaking because I came over while you were sleeping and smashed it with a hammer. You don’t deserve in-home laundry and I think that deep down, you agree with me.

You have to rim a TV/movie star from the 70's tomorrow or the world will explode.  Who's it gonna be? - Elvis

Meryl Streep. Hands down. In fact, if I had the opportunity to rim Meryll Streep and it meant the world would explode, I’d still do it. That’s how much Devil Wears Prada resonated with me. As long as Martin Short is cool with it, I’m licking like my life depends on it.

Honorable mention would be Al Pacino. I just think he’d say some crazy shit while I’m back there. Could be fun to hear.

What is the best expression for taking a shit? - Drake (no, not that one.)

Sureeee Drake. We all know it’s you. Don’t have to play it cool here, pal. We’re here to help.

Tbh, I’m pretty partial to just saying “Ok, I’m gonna go clog that toilet.” It implies that you take monster shits and use too much toilet paper when you wipe, which is a really cool thing for people to think about you.

Also partial to “make a mudpie.” Pretty solid visual.

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STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• Minnesota cardboard sled races go hard as hell. And that’s indisputable.

• Read this on your lunch break: David Lynch Was Here.

• This long read on our first memories kinda blew me away. I genuinely don’t think I have a memory before the age of like 7. Probably something to unpack. But not today.

• An excruciating watch from Eilise as always. 10/10.

• I haven’t stopped thinking about this clip since it dropped like 15 years ago. Iconic.

• How Zyn (and Lucy) conquered the American mouth. Good read.

• It’s Friday. Spend 10 minutes watching some Japanese game show clips before you ride into the weekend. GOAT game show country, hands down.