The Daily Friday: Monday 5/12

It’s another week in paradise. Here’s everything you need to know to sound smart.

1. Elizabeth Holmes’ BF raises millions for blood-testing company that she will help run as an advisor. She’s adding shareholder value from jail, what’s your excuse?? Feel for Balwani: someone else is her breeze in the desert now 😔😔

2. Diddy trial begins today in New York, as lawyers present opening statements in trial around ‘Freak-Off’ parties, claiming that a “love of baby oil” is not a federal crime. Fair, but I think some of this other stuff might be. 

3. Federal lawsuit accuses Casamigos and Don Julio of spiking their tequila with “cane spirits” instead of 100% pure agave, as claimed. Finally have a good excuse for ordering the cheap shit when buying ladies shots, seconds before they give a fake number, go back to their friends and never speak to me again.

4. British Airways flight from London to Canada aborted after take-off when a pilot got his left and right hands mixed up, causing a fire in the engine. Sigh, yet another problem for Nathan Fielder to address. The job never ends.

5. UCLA scientists may have found a baldness cure, have created molecule that can grow hair back after being rubbed on scalp. Turkey’s entire economy is going to crumble overnight if this thing actually works.

PS - we are gearing up for our next mailbag drop, so ask us some questions on this here link and all your problems in life will be solved forever. Catch up on previous mailbags while you wait. Back to the news.

NBA: Completely agree with this couple in the stands at the Chase Center: nothing gets me turned on quite like the Warriors blowing a 4th quarter lead. Erotic and sensual.

Thank you to the Knicks fans who support Mitchell Robinson like he’s a Make a Wish child. He has a very rare condition called ‘complete lack of touch from the free throw line.’ People have died from less.

on NBC and Peacock next season. They better let him give out gambling picks. He’s worked hard enough, it’s time to pursue his true passion.

NHL: THE VEGAS KNIGHTS HAVE LIFE, claw back a game at the buzzer with this insane goal in Game 3. Don’t count them out yet.

Leafs forward Max Domi may want to consider having his head on a swivel after delivering this shot at the end of the game on Panther’s captain Barkov. Playoff motherfucking hocky baby. Let’s go.

BASEBALL: Rockies fire manager Bud Black after a 21—0 loss and a 7-33 start to the season. Ya know what, fair enough. Can’t really fight that one too hard.

Pimping a walk while down 8-1? Probably not the move.

COLLEGE SOFTBALL: Mary Bonds is the new standard. GOAT behavior.

NFL: Derek Carr retires after 11 seasons and $200M+ in earnings, leaving another $30M on the table. Pretty fitting that this was his last play ever. Very on brand. I’d love to be a fly in the wall for this year’s QB room.

Boyfriend of the Year Bill Belichick carries girlfriend Jordan Hudson to a third place finish in the Miss Maine competition through sheer strength of cheering alone.

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WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

Andrew Tate held event where he fought 60 men in the UFC cage for 3 minutes each. Finally, the manosphere incel community has their own Bonnie Blue. Long-time coming.

Police burn 20kg of confiscated weed in Turkish town and the entire town immediately got ripped to high heaven, leading to multiple hospitalizations and days of lingering smell. Hot-boxing an entire town sounds sick, but after 2 hours I’d be out. Terrible high.

The lates viral trend for high schoolers involves lighting your school-issued Chromebook on fire mid-class by jamming shit into the USB port. Gotta say, that’s way less creative than the Kool Aid Man challenge. Little disappointed in the teens.

MONDAY MOVE

Bringing a bat to the beach like Mike Piazza sets the tone, but it’s the Mancini Cubs jersey that elevates this move to a top tier one. Excellent video.

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• Guy Who Just Walked Into a Spider Web might be up there with my favorite Weekend Update characters of all time. Bravo

• Read this on your lunch break: The Real Life Diet of Bryan Johnson, the man who wants to live forever.

• New Mission Impossible comes out this week. Tom Cruise’s stunts are incredibly impressive, but this might be his greatest performance ever. GOAT.

• In honor of Paul Rudd and Tim Robinson’s new A24 flick Friendship dropping over the weekend, here’s a full breakdown of the Bromance film genre.

• Shoutout to PGA golfer Harry Higgs. I’ve absolutely had this argument 100x. I’m on his side if anyone wants to be my trainer.

• It’s Monday. Time to ride out the rest of the day with Will and Liam crushing on Andrew Santino’s podcast. That’s how you start off a week.

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