The Daily Friday: Monday 5/5

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It’s Cinco De Mayo (loosely translates to Cinco of May.) Here’s everything you need to know to sound smart.

1. Sovereignty beats Journalism to win the Kentucky Derby. Checks out - kind of how it’s going in the real world too. Congratulations to Secretariat, whose offspring won first, second, and well, every place in the race. Fertile king.

2. GTA 6 is delayed another year, will now be released in May 2027. You could delay it 10 years and it’ll still come out before Embiid makes a conference finals. I will wait as long as it takes to be reunited with the love of my life.

3. Newark Airport forced to cancel or delay hundreds flights after FAA cuts and staff walkout. Perfect timing with RealID deadline coming up Wednesday. Still praying Nathan Fielder’s work with pilots can fix this. He’s our last hope.

4. Warren Buffett announces that he will retire after 60 years and a 5,502,284% return on his investments. Still not as big of a deal as El Jefe stepping down, but congrats big fella.

5. Diddy trial will begin today with jury selection, as judges seek to find ‘unbiased’ jurors. Good luck with that. At one point, Diddy excused himself to go to the bathroom, stating he was a ‘little nervous.’ So weird, I wonder why.

Big ol’ week coming up: the Met Gala is tonight (can Doja Cat top this fit?) Conclave starts on Wednesday (here’s what you need to know) and Mother’s Day is Sunday. Don’t fuck this up.

NBA: Buddy Hield and his massive fucking chompers leads the Warriors to a Game 7 win over the Rockets, as Draymond delivers another iconic performance.

Saturday was the full Russell Westbrook experience, culminating in what was probably the most satisfying technical foul of all time. The only guy feeling more justified is the dude who bodied James Harden 3 years ago.

After watching this Chalamet video and staring at this Kylie Jenner photo for 18 hours without blinking, it’s official: Knicks in 7. Time to empty the 401k and make a responsible wager.

NHL: Last night was a helpful reminder: nothing in the world can compete with playoff hockey. Not even these chest pillows. Jets in 6.

A Game 7 hatty from Rantanen is light work.

MLB: This may have been the Dad catch of the year.

Extremely gritty performances this weekend from Garrett Crochet, who took a line drive off his big ol’ honking schnozz and Matt Mervis, who took a one hopper off the full penis and balls region. Heroes.

Quick ump appreciation moment for Bill Miller, who cursed himself out on a hot mic after missing a call, and this fella who did a sick little jump and punch. Umps fuck.

GOLF: Scottie Scheffler is simply not from this planet, shoots a -31 (!!!!) at the Byron Nelson Open to tie a PGA Tour record. This was the correct reaction from Spieth.

NCAAF: Give the Biletnikoff Award to the entire JMU offensive line.

FSU’s newest offensive lineman Jaelyne Matthew can apparently predict the gender of any unborn child just by looking at a pregnant woman’s stomach. There’s gotta be some way that I personally can make money on this. Open to any suggestions.

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WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

This might be one of the great moments in local news history. Quite literally Jehovah’s Witness. He was born for this moment.

Man banned from Disney World after trying to sneak in with a ‘bulky wallet full of cocaine.’ Sorry, where else is he supposed to put his cocaine? It’s all going to be up his nose by 7 Dwarfs Mine Train. Just relax.

Shoutout to the rapper who set his own pants on fire after refusing to pay for visual effects for his rap video. Tariffs are impacting everyone, I feel for you big man.

Do you think if the airport staff who walked off their jobs knew that ladies were stripping naked and taking steaming fat poops on their seats mid-flight, they’d come back to work? Normally you have to pay top dollar for that kind of performance.

MONDAY MOVE

Yeah, this is awesome. I’ll allow it. Get you a caddy who can play a little diddley for you.

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• If the NBA MVP race was decided by which star had the best youth football highlight tape, it’d be a Tatum vs. Edwards dogfight, but I’d have to give it to Ant.

• Read this on your lunch break: People Are Losing Their Loved Ones to AI-Fueled Spiritual Fantasies.

• Elon Musk is building his own town in Texas. Not everyone is happy about it.

• Two bangers this week from Dan Toomey and Good Work on how tariffs will impact your standard 25 glasses of whiskey a night and Mark Zuckerberg’s assistant during his interview with Theo Von. Good work, Good Work.

• This article on PA Senator John Fetterman and his complete personality change post-stroke is pretty shocking. Wild read.

• It’s Monday. Fuck it. Pistol Pete highlights. Still the greatest to ever do it. Averaging 57/game in college is absurd.