The Daily Friday: Monday 9/23

It’s another week in paradise. Here’s what you need to sound smart today.

1. Nationals send All-Star CJ Abrams to minors after he gets busted gambling in a casino until 8 am the day before a game. Wouldn’t be surprised if we did a little digging and found out he recently hired an interpreter.

2. Elon is being sued by Cards Against Humanity after SpaceX allegedly trespassed on their land in Texas. Getting sued by the worse version of the Almost Friday: The Pregame is a tough look.

3. OceanGate hearings begin this week, as investigators reveal that the crew relied on a hand-typed Excel sheet as a map and that the crew’s final message before it lost contact with the ship was ‘all good here.’ Comforting.

4. Diddy is currently on suicide watch as he awaits trial in the same Brooklyn jail that Epstein was housed in. Seems like they got everything under control, nothing to see here.

5. It is officially fall. LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.

FALL HAS FALLEN

Today marks the beginning of fall and let’s pour one out for all the boyfriends out there. Pro-Tip: just break up until Feb. 15 like this guy. 

With the launch of our favorite season, it’s time to break down fall activities to do with the fellas.

PS: this ranking was featured in our last mailbag. Don’t forget to get your questions in for this month’s mailbag (ask here.)

RANKING FALL ACTIVITIES TO DO WITH YOUR BOYS

10. Apple picking: just buy them at the store??? I’m not paying to do manual labor.

9. Pumpkin picking: you will bring it home, forget it’s there and only remember it weeks later after it rots and stinks up your apartment to high heaven. Pass

8. Hay rides: bumpy, smells like shit, itchy, doesn’t go fast enough to get your blood pumping, no real point tbh. Hay is for horses and we are humans. 

7. Corn mazes: I’m afraid of getting trapped, hitting my head and dying in there. Dead serious.

6. Peep Some Fall Foliage: don’t be too cool for some leaf-looking. This will make for a genuinely wholesome and contemplative Saturday with the boys. No one’s above that.

5. Take a Sick Boys Pic in Sweaters: fall fashion is perfect for washed up dudes. You can hide the beer gut with a sweater AND cover the bald spot with a beanie, all in one picture. This is good for your one Instagram post of the year.

4. Throw a Halloween Party: nice way to get some ladies in the mix. Plus, the perfect excuse to pull this costume out of the closet. This is the year people will finally think it’s funny.

3. Anything Oktoberfest related: need full commitment. Rock liederhosen, drink beers with names you can’t pronounce from mugs you need two hands to hold, eat schnitzel, etc. It’s not cultural appropriation if the other culture is white. Pretty sure.

2. Have A Friendsgiving: Yes, most of the crew will show up with a pizza or Taco Bell. That’s fine. Tonight is about the grill-master of the group. Stand back and let him cook (literally.)

1. Tailgating: tossing the pigskin in the parking lot while polishing off your 9th light beer of the morning as your buddy’s ‘Tailgate SZN’ playlist bumps from his shitty Bluetooth speaker is what God had in mind when he created humans (or the evolution that led to humans being created. Not getting into a creationism conversation right now.)

NFL: Will Levis may be 0-3 on the field, but he’s 3-0 in the more important category: iconic photos capturing his utter incompetence. Legend.

As a former rugby player, this hook and ladder play brings me a lot of joy. Genuinely think this would revolutionize football if more teams did this.

Malik Nabers is absolutely insane. I almost don’t want him to get a real QB so he can keep making catches like this.

Sorry Browns, but you can’t do a full-team celebration for a play that gets called back. The second a flag hits you ground, you push pause. No wonder they lost to the Giants.

CFB: Not sure what was a more improbably play from Colorado: Shadeur Sanders’ Hail Mary to send it to OT or Travis Hunter forcing a goal-line fumble to clinch the W. Madness.

BYU pulls off upset over #13 Kansas State thanks to some late night Mormon magic and bring Dr. Locks home a nice little payday. Fun fact: BYU’s QB is Jewish.

64 yard FG from Temple kicker Max Trujillo sets the record at Lincoln Financial Field.

WNBA: Two unanimous winners in the awards race this year, as Caitlin Clark wins ROY and A’jai Wilson takes home MVP award. Caitlin Clark fact of the day: the Fever had a higher home attendance average than the Pacers this year. Queen.

LAX: 5 lacrosse players hospitalized at Tufts following a workout with Navy SEALs. It’s D3 lacrosse guys, I promise you it’s not that serious.

MLB: Aaron Judge hits 55th HR while Ohtani continues his historic run, now the only member of the 53-53 club. They are both impressive, everyone relax.

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WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

John Mulaney was hired to perform at ‘DreamForce,’ an AI conference, and spent the entire set roasting everyone. Love it. Getting paid to bully tech nerds is a dream job.

Squatters have taken over the $6.5M mansion of Phillies’ owner David Middleton’s son and are not giving it back. Good. Hang onto it until he finally brings home a title.

Car found parked on top of a dumpster in, you guessed it: Florida. Whoever parked this is a worse driver than DMX.

I would absolutely watch a Pixar movie about the real-life cat that was lost at Yellowstone and travelled 800 miles home to California. Reply to this email with what the movie title should be. Best one gets a prize.

MONDAY MOVE

Real recognize real. It’s one thing to get a bonus from the bossman, but to be acknowledged by another soldier in arms battling with you in the foxhole? Can’t put a price on that.

Showing a mutual respect for the shift you just put in is so essential. Move of the month.

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• It’s another Moo Deng Monday. Get your shirt to celebrate.

• Read this on your lunch break: a game designer hid a gold treasure worth a fortune in a forest. Now the hunt begins.

• Imagine playing against White Chocolate in your Wednesday night men’s league run? Dude has still got it.

• Really enjoyed this breakdown from Garbage Day on how the Springfield, Ohio misinformation campaigns started on social media.

• I was strangely intoxicated watching this Extreme Capture the Flag video. You will be too.

• From Anchorman to Agatha All Along: how Kathryn Hunt went from quirky best friend to a horny mom to a witch. I love this woman.

• Netflix’s documentary on Vince McMahon comes out on Wednesday and I could not be more pumped.