Billionaire Ross Stevens will pay each Olympic athlete $200k, as part of his $100M gift to help athletes focus on their craft. Hell yeah. If Marty Supreme had access to this back in his day, we’d run the world of table tennis now.
Kanye offers an apology for his past behavior in the WSJ, attributes his actions to untreated brain damage and mental illness (relatable), while announcing a new album Friday. You know things have gotten bad when Kanye starts acting normal. This could be the change we need as a nation.
Trade talks have officially opened up for Giannis, as the Bucks superstar has told the team that he is open to being traded. Does that mean Thanasis is gone too? Don’t take this man from Bucks fans, they’ve suffered enough.
Scientists move ‘Doomsday Clock’ 85 seconds to midnight, the closest we’ve been to the self-annihilation. Look, I get it’s sad that another breastaurant closed, but let’s not over-react. The world is not ending, nerds.
Tik-Tok settles social media addiction lawsuit on Tuesday. Can someone sue the new owners for messing with the algorithm to suppress videos about ICE, Epstein, & these guys (they should have billions of views, not millions??)
BREAKING: Daily Friday Podcast is entering your ears 2x a week, with new episodes coming out Tues. (check out our episode yesterday) and Thurs. With the newsletter coming every MWF, every day is now Daily Friday Day. The prophecy is fulfilled.
A NEW LEVEL OF PETTY
We live in a world where Shadeur Sanders is a Pro Bowler and Bill Belichick is not a first ball Hall of Famer. Make it make sense.
After news broke yesterday that Bill Polian, former Colts GM and HoF voter, swayed the room that Jordon Hudson’s boyfriend should have to wait a year before being inducted as a penance for Spygate, it got me thinking: was this the pettiest move of all time? No, but HERE ARE OUR TOP 5.
You better believe Chris Christie made this list
King Henry VIII started his own church so he could get a new wife: you realllyyyy have to hate your wife to go through this entire process. I don’t even want to think about the paperwork. You have to want a divorce even more than this guy did.
Reed Hastings, Netflix founder: he destroyed Blockbuster because he didn’t want to pay them a $40 late fee on Apollo 13 (fantastic film, don’t blame him for wanting to hang onto it for a bit longer.) Respect the hell out of that. I will be doing something similar with Visa and my $7k credit card bill this month.
Chris Christie Bridgegate: the former NJ governor and noted FUPA haver intentionally shut down the George Washington Bridge to cause gridlock in Fort Lee because their mayor did not endorse him. As is his right. What’s the point of being in power if you can’t inconvenice thousands of people due to a personal beef?
Michael Jordan’s HoF Speech: the greatest basketball player in the world besides Jalen Brunson spent 20 minutes at the lectern shitting on his HS basketball coach, Jeff Van Gundy, Byron Russell, Isiah Thomas and more. Completely on brand.
50 Cent’s Entire Life: funding the Diddy documentary based on a personal beef. Buying out the first 5 rows of a Ja Rule concert so no one could sit there. Posting a video of himself getting rushed to the hospital from ‘noise poisoning’ after hearing Fat Joe’s album. The list goes on and on. He’s one of one.
WHAT ELSE IS GOOD
A diamond are a girl’s best friend. But a WOMAN’s best friend? That’s reserved for the $35k Buzzball 9 carat engagement ring that’s pink and shaped like their new strawberry-lemonade flavored can. My heart is so full that it could explode.
More gas station liquor brands should get into the engagement ring business, I’ve often said this
Just learned that thanks to scientific advancements, you can now lucid dream with another person. That’s incredible. Anyone trying to join me tonight? I’ve been haunted by a sleep paralysis demon for years and could use some help fighting him off.
This is legitimately how my dreams feel. When i saw this video for the first time, I was shocked.
All-time Mom move from this nice lady who brought a full deli onto a flight and made sandwiches for people around her. Those sandwiches look so delicious, you can’t even get mad at her. Just shows you the value of good, quality dining in the skies.
Jersey Michaela? there’s something there
Shoutout to Clavicular, who invented ‘jester-maxxing’ at the club, a revolutionary way of partying that involves ‘having fun’ and ‘talking to people.’ Sounds scary. I’ll stick to checking the weather app on my phone while I move around my puke pile with my foot.
The club is actually the perfect place to work on your jumper, everyone knows that
Who Was Today's Hump Day Hero?
HUMP DAY HIPPO READER SUBMISSION
Need a full coloring book of hippo in various lived-in scenes to help relax me after a long day’s work
Big shoutout to Andre Beedle for putting together this masterpiece of a coloring book image, inspired by our hippo fornication image from last week. His long term vision: a Hippo Coloring Book empire to spread more hippo awareness worldwide. A noble pursuit. We support him whole-heartedly.
STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY
Very impressed with the man who is going around saying he has the world’s smallest penis. A claim that no one is going to give you push-back on. Respect.
Read this on your lunch date: Welcome to the American Winter.
This professor just discovered Looksmaxxing. And just in time.
Life on Peptides feels amazing - at least according to the people buying them from AI chatbots and Instagram influencers.
Masterful character work from Willie Simon here. We are accumulating Will/Willy/Willie’s like they’re Avengers infinity stones and no one can stop us.
It’s Hump Day. Fuck it, motivational pump up speech from a Japanese fisherman. The world’s not as dark as it seems.
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