The Daily Friday: Wednesday 12/4

1. Asteroid nearly hits Earth, narrowly misses Siberia yesterday. Yes, that sucks but at least there’s some good news: another asteroid could hit us this week. Please god let this happen before I have to have my performance review Friday.

2. Sabrina Carpenter is single, as singer breaks up with Barry Kenough after he allegedly cheated on her (go fuck a grave bub.) Sabrina, we’d never treat you like that. We are too afraid to talk to women, let alone cheat on you with them.

3. Vietnamese tycoon Truong My Long loses appeal, will need to pay $9B to avoid being executed for defrauding the country of 3% of its GDP. Maybe the guy who tipped an OnlyFans girl $5M this year can kick in some funds to help.

4. MLB commish floats idea of Golden At-Bat, where teams could send any player to bat, regardless of batting order, once a game. Here’s an idea: a fan gets to bean Robert Manfred in the skull once a day. How about that, pal?

5. Enron rebrand turns out to be a parody from the ‘Birds Aren’t Real’ founder, which gives me hope that this Jaguar rebrand is a parody as well.

BUT FIRST: ONE LAST DAY OF MASSIVE DISCOUNTS FOR EVERYTHING ON-SITE. Shoutout to our readers who already purchased, especially Mark M., Sarah J., Eduardo, and Dante D. You’re the real heroes (email us your receipts to get featured next send.)

PEOPLE JOE BIDEN SHOULD PARDON AFTER HUNTER

After pardoning his son Hunter on Sunday, President Biden has pardoned 3 turkeys over the course of a week (see what I did there?)

While he’s only got a month left in the job, there’s still plenty of time to forgive some more of our greatest heroes and institutions. LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.

• Shohei Ohtani’s Interpreter (Bank Fraud, Illegal Gambling): If stealing millions of dollars from your close friend and trusted confidant is wrong, I don’t want to be right. That’s just guy shit, man. Biden gets it.

• Justin Timberlake (DWI): We don’t want to ruin the tour. Clear his record ASAP.

• My Step Cousin Mike (Shoplifting x3): Shoplifting is a victimless crime. Plus, Thanksgiving was kinda boring without him this year and no one had any percs. Free him by Christmas or Jan. 6 is going to look like a goddam pillow fight.

• Barry Bonds (Steroids): Make steroids legal (join our cause) and Barry can get into the HOF before he dies. We don’t want a Pete Rose situation on our hands.

• Red Lobster (Bankruptcy): If we can bail out the banks, we can bail out Red Lobster. This is probably not exactly a pardon situation, but whatever. It’s the last month, just do whatever you want Sleepy Joe.

CFB: SnapChat needs to permanently ban Carson Beck from using their app if Georgia wants to have any shot of winning a title. This is outrageous behavior. 

CFP releases updated ranking and somehow a 3-loss Alabama is at #11? Please open your mouth and remove the SEC’s balls from the back of your throat, committee.

MLB: Juan Soto bidding wars could be coming to a close soon, with teams reportedly bidding up to $600M for his services. That’s like 1,200 dinners with Jay-Z.

NBA: Love you Paolo, but you can’t pretend you’re an old head when you’re 22.

NFL: Kudos to Tyreek Hill, whose wife has given birth to his alleged 11th child from 7 women. That’s Nick Cannon stats. He’s a shoo-in for the ‘Horniest Miami Dolphin’ in this years Horny Awards.

Jameis Winston is truly a national treasure and fully peaked on Monday night. 6 TDs for 668 yards is impressive, even if 2 TDs were to the other team and 171 of those yards were from interceptions. Dear lord, please never save him from pick-sixes.

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WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

Total bullshit. For years, my signature musk has been the lingering smell of cigs, stale beer, and vomit and somehow Miller stole my secret formula and made Dive Bar-Fume.

Chinese man sends $550k of his family’s life savings to a streamer so she’d call him ‘brother.’ Fuck, I’ve been calling people that for free for years. Coulda be worth billions.

Man almost dies from hamster bite, but doesn’t blame the hamster. Don’t really know who else you would blame, but go off. Gotta feel like a real bitch in the ER though.

Pornstar will try to break record by sleeping with 1,000 men in 24 hours. That’s equivalent to 90 seconds/guy aka way longer than anyone is capable of lasting during sex. She’s gonna have trouble finding 10 stallions capable of this, let alone 1,000.

WII WINTER OLYMPICS

A banger. Genuinely laughed out loud multiple times at the commentary from the announcers (Dr. Locks, Strider and Chad ) and participants (Willy D, Angus, Liam, Rusty, and the Powers brothers.) A glorious long form to toss on when work gets slow today.

HUMP DAY HIPPO

Today’s entry: Holy Fuck That Hippo is Scary

Just a reminder to all you people that say “Man, I wish i could just quit the rat race and go live in nature.” No, you do not. This is the kind of shit you would have to deal with out there. You would not last a second.

We fought our way up the food chain so we can go live in condos, work in air-conditioned offices, and DoorDash Pad-See-Ew every night. Don’t fight it. Don’t let the hippos (and lionnesses) die in vain. Honor them with your sedentary lifestyle 🙏🏻

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STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• Aaron Rodgers new documentary ‘Enigma’ follows his historic return from injury to become the worst Jets QB in recent memory, which is really saying something.

• Read this on your lunch break: The New Business of Breakups.

• Kyle Mooney is back, baby. This video felt like grabbing a beer with an old friend you haven’t seen in a while. Can’t wait to see Y2K on Friday.

• Turns out, that people are actually not bad at drawing brand logos from memory (the Starbucks one was rough thought.) Give it a shot here.

• Michigan entering OSU’s stadium gave me chills, but there’s no atmosphere more electric than the high school Rocket League state championships.

• This dude who brings his mobile beats set up on the streets and finds strangers to freestyle with him is the man.