The Daily Friday: Friday 5/10

1. Hailey Bieber is pregnant and Justin is going to be a father. Congrats big fella. You’ve always been Daddy to me 🙏🏻🙏🏻

2. Panera discontinues caffeinated lemonade after multiple deaths, and it’s officially time to shift to meth to get through the day. I will be brewing some bootleg batches in my bathtub if anyone wants in.

3. RFK Jr. says a worm ate part of his brain before dying inside. That would explain so much about him, especially this tweet. He’s still the most mentally competent candidate we have and I find that beautiful.

4. Shohei interpreter pleads guilty, reveals he stole $17 million total and that his bookie was a Real Housewives of Orange County cast member. Bravo really has to pay these people more.

5. A woman lived in a grocery store rooftop sign for over a year, and set up a mini desk, pantry and kitchen. Affordable rent, plus she had a car? Give her healthcare and she’s living better than most of America.

It’s Friday, which means one thing: it’s officially time to Commence Suckdown with the world’s most chuggable beer. These things are selling like hot cakes in Rhode Island, Boston and New York, so grab a personal sixer while you still can.

Ok, back to the news.

HOW TO BEAT SUNDAY SCARIES

Taking a break from our regularly scheduled programming to highlight the second installment of our monthly mailbag series. We had an overwhelming amount of questions this time and I officially love each of you. Like as more than just friends. It’s confusing but exciting.

Here’s a snippet of what we touched on, but check out the full version where we talk making friends as an adult, which early 200s Nickelodeon/Disney characters would work corporate and what the perfect date is.

Scientifically, what is the best way to get over Sunday Scaries? - Sarah S.

I wish scientists spent time on important stuff like this instead of researching why it’s a bad idea to put Zyns in your butthole and/foreskin. Worry about yourselves, nerds.

High level, the best way to not have Sunday Scaries is to have a life that does not make you anxious: pursue your passions, find healthy relationships, manage your substance abuse, invest in a 401k blah blah blah fuck that, suck my little dick.

For the real ones, Sundays are for wallowing on your couch with the shades pulled down, watching 8 hours of Netflix, only moving to open the door for delivery and ignoring the worried texts from your Mom and/or Bank of America alerting you to a low balance.

Here is a helpful guide that I put together for how to survive. Hope this helps.

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NBA: Shoutout to the reporter who was ripping some quick porn during the Mavs postgame while their phone was connected to the BlueTooth. We will see them again during this year’s Horny Awards and that’s a promise.

They may have gotten their ass kicked by Cleveland last night to even the series, but at least the Celtics’ social media team is on top of their shit. Chills.

The Suns have fired HC Frank Vogel after one season and ex-Bucks coach Budenholzer expected to replace him. Good luck brother.

OG out tonight and Jalen Brunson questionable for pivotal Knicks Game 3 in Indiana. Somehow the Pacers will find a way to bitch and moan about this too.

NHL: The Rangers win in OT for their 7th straight playoff win, go up 3-0 against the Canes while Stars hold off a late Colorado push to pull out the 5-3 win and even the series.

Eddie Lack stopped by the Empty Netters to dish some incredible stories (aka partying with Hank Lundqvist.) Check it out and start your weekend off right.

MLB: Aaron Judge hits 473 foot homer, ties Mike Trout for longest of the season. All rise.

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

Sydney Sweeney is about to get jacked as hell for her new role as the ‘female Rocky.’ I’d absolutely pay her all my dad’s money to beat the piss out of me 🙏🏻

Woman revolutionizes plane travel, climbs into overhead compartment to take a nap mid-flight. Low key more comfortable than middle seat. Respect.

New Office spin-off will focus on a failing newspaper in a small Midwest town and star Bill Weasley and that one chick from last season of White Lotus. It better not suck.

BREAKING: 42 yr old continues to make smoking weed his entire personality.

THIS ONE SLAPPED

This one right here is about as accurate of a re-enactment as you’re going to get. I thought Liam was Tom Brady for a second there. I knew he wasn’t, but still. What if he was?

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• This is NOT how you play 4 square boys. Holds, entering other boxes, multiple missed line calls. What happened to the game I loved?

• RIP to Steve Albini, producer of Nirvana and Pixies albums. I completely agree with his advice for life in your 20’s. 

• Honestly, respect to Big Baby for this reaction to a jail sentence. I’ve always wanted to go to prison and just get super jacked. Jealous.

• Your phone can tell when you’re depressed. Sickkkkk…is it gonna make it go away or what?

• Reminder that Criss Angel levitated Shaq over a house with Flava Flav. Just in case you forgot.

• Read this on your lunch break: Discovering The First Other Earth.