The Daily Friday: Wednesday 8/14

1. Starbucks fires CEO, replaces him with Chipotle CEO. Here’s a live look at Starbucks’ new portion sizes.

2. Hackers may have stolen the Social Security numbers of every American. Go ahead guys. I just ask that you wipe my credit card and Dave & Buster’s debt (don’t ask) while you’re at it.

3. Tavon Austin officially retires, so let’s celebrate the GOAT highlight tape. No postgame is complete without tossing that sucker up at 4 am, immediately passing out, and waking up to 45 missed calls from UberEats.

4. Drama from It Ends With Us movie heats up, as Blake Lively gets cancelled online and Justin Baldoni gets unfollowed by cast. Guys, I don’t care either, but just read that article and you’ll crush your Hinge date tonight. I promise.

5. Food innovation is getting out of control. LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.

But first, a quick announcement. Due to popular demand, we are bringing back the monthly mailbag NEXT FRIDAY. Get your questions in while you can (and check out July’s installment if you haven’t already.)

Submit your questions at the link below or just reply to this email directly.

FOOD COMPANIES NEED TO STOP

It’s been a big week in food companies trying to go viral, as Hellman’s released a mayo-scented fragrance, Dunkin introduces an alcoholic pumpkin spiced latte, and Taco Bell drops a frappuccino that absolutely no one asked for.

I’m all for innovation and trying to make life a little more interesting (and I get it, these things SELL) but can we all try to stay in our own lanes just like a little bit? Everyone doesn’t need to do everything all the time.

It’s a problem. But I’m not powerful, smart or driven enough to fix it. So I’ll just become part of it. Without further ado…my Top 10 Food Innovations That Did Not Need To Happen But They Did.

10. S’Mores Flavored Ramen Noodles: God turns his back on us a long time ago. This product proves that.

9. Taco Bell Frappuccinos: The job of a Taco Bell janitor is hard enough, then you introduce these goddam things? The paint jobs on these toilets are going to be historic.

8. Hidden Valley Flavored Burt’s Bees: imagine kissing a girl and she tastes like ranch dressing? Imagine kissing a girl in the first place? Damn, that’d be awesome.

7. Subway Footlong Cookies: They finally made a cookie that’s 5x the length of a totally normal human penis, especially given how cold this pool is today.

6. Auntie Anne’s Perfume: the perfect product for anyone who wants to smell like a suburban mall food court. Can they drop a Lid’s scent next?

5. Dunkin’ Spiked Iced Pumpkin Latte: can’t wait to bring a 6 pack to the apple orchard with the lady this fall and shit myself on the hay ride when we hit a bump.

4. Hellman’s x Will Levis Mayo Fragrance: Every woman’s deepest desire is a man who reeks of raw eggs and vinegar. Hellman’s knows that.

3. Heinz x Absolut Vodka Pasta Sauce: just like Mama makes it. Ketchup brands can do anything. I’ve always said that.

2. Doritos Flavored Scotch: I finished an entire bottle of this at Christmas and finally stood up to my stepdad Greg. Strongly recommend.

1.Panera Charged Lemonade: they finally made a Lemonade with enough caffeine to kill you. Capitalism is perfect.  

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NFL: Viking’s QB JJ McCarthy will undergo knee surgery after concerns about a meniscus tear, which means one things: it’s Sammy D time in Minnesota

Hasaan Riddick has yet to play a snap with the Jets and already is requesting a trade. He’s already been fined $1.5 million for missing practice: at this point, just fine him until you can afford his new contract, right? Accounting 101.

In more trade news, Brandon Aiyuk could be heading to Pittsburgh pending his agreement of a long term deal. That’s what these signs mean right?

MLB: Mookie Betts refused to stay at the haunted team hotel in Milwaukee and booked an AirBnB for the second year in a row. Just book another place, guys. Is there only one hotel in the entire city?

This camera angle of Shohei Ohtani’s 37th HR is simply absurd. He is quite obviously an alien and there’s no way around it.

Yankees’ new star Jazz Chisholm Jr. could head to DL with left UCL injury after sliding headfirst into home plate. Honestly was a sick slide. Kinda worth it

OLYMPICS: Calling it now: the enduring legacy of the men’s hoops team won’t be winning gold. It’ll be when this Bron and Steph video replaces the Kobe and Shaq video as the new meme template for dominating something.

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

Obama’s Summer Playlist is so good I nearly forgot about his mishandling of the 2010 BP Oil Spill and his wife taking away good school lunches. Almost.

Folks, we have officially found the King of the Goons, who sets PR in porn-star naming game. Anything is possible with hard work and determination.

Tip of the cap to Zuck for reviving the Roman tradition of building a statue to your wife. This is how you maximize the last few weeks of White Boy Summer.

HUMP DAY HERO

HOW COOL | EPISODE 5

Can Netflix please green-light a 10 episode season of Rusty’s travel show? I could watch this for hours. So can you if you watch all 5 episodes of How Cool now.

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• Every perfect pregame has 3 things: ice-cold lukewarm beers, a dude who won’t get off the aux, and the Almost Friday card game. Get yours today.

• Read this on your lunch break: How to start a pro baseball team, win games, and save the town.

• Whoever made this 8 minute compilation of Angel Reese highlights (missing layups in an increasingly absurd manner) is an all-time hater. Gotta respect it.

• The article From Silicon to Slime absolutely blew my mind. Long, but worth the read.

• Can’t tell what’s a more electric sport: Paralympics table tennis or competitive roof-ball.

• This entire thread of funniest Tik-Toks ever is great, but gotta give my #1 spot to this sucker.