🤝MONSTER MAILBAG🤝

Hey team - just a reminder that we’re taking a break from our regularly scheduled content as we wind down 2024 (check out our 2024 Year in Review and Friday’s Horny Awards.)

Today we’re dropping a monster mailbag with questions from you all (thanks for all your beuatiful questions), on Wednesday we’ll be predicting 2025 with complete accuracy and we’ll back to normal come Friday.

Meanwhile, if you haven’t, go ahead and fill out this survey. It’ll help us make sure we’re delivering the freshest, most delicious content into your inboxes next year. Thanks in advance 🤝🤝🤝

Realistically how many popsicles could you consume before your body temperature dropped to fatal levels? - Anonymous

Probably like 100? The challenge would be eating them fast enough before going into diabetic shock from all the sugar. Brain freeze would also be a factor, but I suppose if I really wanted to die, I could persevere.

Death by popsicle freezing is a hell of a way to go out. Here’s my top 4 ways to die:

1. Jump out of a plane with no parachute. Insane adrenaline rush.

2. Try heroin for the first time and then get shot in the head and die immediately before you come down.

3. Notebook-style with the love of my life

4. That popsicle thing you just said

I want to sneak into my friend’s house and sleep there without him knowing. Should I? - Tobey Brown

100000% yes, you should. For so many reasons. 

#1-  it’s hilarious. Your friend is sleeping peacefully in his home while you crash in his guest bed and he has no idea. What a fucking moron. 

#2 - you’re helping your friend recognize weak spots in his home security system. If you can pull this off, so can any jagaloon. He should be paying you for this service.

#3 - you can drive him insane over the course of several months. I’ll explain.

Once you pull off that first night, instead of telling him and sharing a good laugh, just keep quiet. Then, do it again a few days later. And again. And again.

Each time you stay the night, make some small changes in his home. Watch Netflix and screw up his algorithm so it’s all Is it Cake? reruns. Change his thermostat by 1 degree. Drink his booze and then pour some water in it to replace it. Replace all his photographs with AI versions of the same image that look slightly different than the original. Etc. 

He’ll slowly start to feel like something is off, but not be able to put his finger on it. He starts to not trust himself or other people. His relationships fall apart. His work performance suffers. He can’t get hard like he used to. He thinks everything is cake.

One day, he comes home and looks around his living room in horror. Everything is different and he doesn’t know why. He’ll fall to his knees, worried that he’s bipolar or a sleepwalker or perhaps been cursed by a beautiful yet ultimately cruel witch. 

That’s when you walk out of the closet and say…GOTCHA, BITCH. And he’ll start laughing and wrap you in a big bear hug, saying “you bastard, I was like 5 seconds from committing myself to Arkham. Hug it out.” Classic prank.

Is it ethical to jack off on hotel sheets? - Frank

Little confused by how this was worded (did you mean onto the sheets or while lying on the sheets?) but either way, the answer is yes. Hotel rooms are the international waters of morality when it comes to sex: anything goes.

Maybe it’s just me, but there’s something about a hotel room that makes me want to jack off the second I walk in. They’re very sexy places. Maybe it’s the novelty of the experience or the nice hand lotion in the bathroom, but truly nothing gets me going quite like a nice Marriot double-double room in a city I’ll never return to.

Point is, I don’t blame anyone who cranks stick in a hotel room. Plus, like 90% of hotel sheets are covered in cum anyways, so you’re really just a drop in the bucket.

However, if you’re gonna spill some seed directly onto the sheets, I’d leave a $20 for the hotel staff. Not sure why you would do that (is it a power thing?) but it’s the nice thing to do.

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What’s the best way to ring in the New Year? - Mia

You basically have three options

Worst Way: Ticketed party at a bar or club

The type of thing where you pay like $200 for an ‘open bar’ but it’s so hard to get a drink that you end up spending another $200 tipping the bartender to get you a beer. There’s a DJ and girls who are too hot to talk to you. You ruin your best button-down because you throw up on yourself in the bathroom.

These are pretty terrible, but a rite of passage. Do this like once in your early 20s so you never want to do it again.

Best Way: AirBNB with your friends

Get like 10-15 of your friends together and find a reasonably priced AirBnB that you can fuck up for like 2 days. Go skiing, get in the hot-tub, maybe go to a local bar one night but the point of this is to lock in with your crew, get fucked up, and not spend a billion dollars.

Only downside to this is if you’re single, you probably won’t be hooking up (depending on your friend group) but whatever.

Solid Way: Apartment / House Party

These are great because there’s always a TV on to watch college football and the ball drop, plus you don’t end up spending a ton of money. You may even meet someone and smooch ‘em up at midnight.

You’re not going to have a bad time here, especially if you have a good crew, but let’s be honest - you can only have so much fun at an apartment party. Very high floor, low ceiling type of night.

I have been divorced and celibate since 2001. I am 72 and want to change this situation. Recommend a solution? Dating apps suck and I don't know about the massage or sex worker route....whaddaya think? - Gary

Hell yeah, Gary. Deciding to change your life is hard and it gets harder the older you get. 2025 is the year we get your old ass laid. You got this.

My advice for anyone trying to break out of a dry spell, regardless of age, is the same as if you’re in a shooting slump in basketball: you just need to see the ball go in the hole.

In this case, you just need to get your balls in someone else’s hole (or whatever you’re into) and you’ll be get your mojo back. Here’s what I’d try.

Dating Apps: yeah they do suck, BUT they do work. Even if you’re not fired up about it, set a goal to go on 1 date a month (or something like that.) Dating is a skill and you need to practice it.

Pick Up a Hobby: easiest way to meet people. Bingo, pickleball, wine of the month club, whatever you want. Maybe even volunteer at a church so they think you’re a good person. Boom.

Apply for the Golden Bachelor: you never know. You’ll still be better than this guy.

Go on a Cruise: if I was in your position Gary and could afford it, this is absolutely what I’d pick. Even if you don’t get laid, you still get to see the world and get fucked up. What else could you want?

I found the Almost Friday pod through IG and have been a listener for about a year. I've watched most of the Friday TV videos and while this may sound like a dumb question, I am curious. What exactly is Friday beers? - Silly Terp

Not a dumb question. I’ll give you a quick little overview. 

Friday Beers is an Instagram page that started in 2019 and exploded in 2020. From there, more people were hired and a larger company called Almost Friday Media (AFM) was formed.

There’s a ton of different stuff going on at AFM. We have multiple podcasts, our sketch comedy group AFTV, 20+ meme/social pages, long-form YouTube content, elite sports betting content, and of course this newsletter. We also have our own beer, apparel and bar in Nashville. Here’s our site if you care. 

Basically the goal of our company is to collect funny people, put them under one roof, and have them make as much funny stuff as humanly possible. More to come in 2025. 

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You’ve done enough reading. Let’s do some rapid fires.

How do you find the strength to go on? - Logan

Substance abuse. And I have a future on Lions Super Bowl and Lamar MVP that could make me like $4k, so kinda wanna see if that hits or not.

What is your go-to lunch during the week? I can’t keep eating McDonald’s. - anonymous

Right now, I’m been hitting Jersey Mikes every day. No free ads, but their food is delicious, their rewards system is decent and I’ve made it to “meaningful head-nod” status with most of the staff there. Kinda the dream.

Quick pro-tip: if you go out, go to the same place every single day and make chit-chat with the staff. There’s nothing better than becoming a regular at a local deli.

What's your go to pump up song before a big night out? - Jessie G

Levels by Avicii, Many Men by 50 Cent, or the Ryen Russillo podcast at 2x.

What’s the baddest Disney princess? - Anonymous

Meg from Hercules, though she’s not technically a princess. Her body is insane and her voice drives me bonkers (complimentary.)

Quick power ranking of actual Disney princesses by how in love with them I am:

5: Ariel - she’s hot but like speak up, girl. Can’t really fall in love with a mute person.

4: Nala, Lion King - incredibly sexy. We have species-gap which would be tough, but we could make it work.

3: Belle - I’d be very jealous of all her exes (Gaston, a literal beast) but that would probably drive me to be really good to her.

2: Jasmine - she’s hot and rich. What else do you really need in life?

1: Pocohontas - she could easily kill me and I find that extremely erotic.

Trump, Kamala Harris, Sleepy Joe. You gotta fuck, kill and marry one. GO! - Jimmy

Obviously, gotta marry Trump. Doesn’t matter where you stand politically, it would be awesome to be the First Husband and live in the White House. I would also be an incredible step-father to Baron, which is really important to me.

I’d probably pick Kamala to fuck, just because she’s a woman and I’m into that. So, I’d have to kill Sleepy Joe but with regret. I wanna see him get to Jimmy Carter age (RIP) and what kind of hijinks him and Hunter would get into. Crazy kooks.

How do you get over a breakup? - Anonymous

You don’t. You will wear the scars of heartbreak forever and carry pain in your soul until the day you die. It will never get easier but you will get stronger. And that’s the best part.

There is beauty in broken things. Perfect is boring. That’s why AI will fail and why I have multiple typos every newsletter. Life is about living and living can be messy. That’s what makes it fun. Celebrate the parts of you that hurt and the fact that you can hurt. That’s how you know you’re alive.

Also, having sex with strangers helps. Like a lot. It’s better if they’re hot, but not always mandatory. It’s best if they’re friends with your ex. Good luck out there.

Have a wonderful New Year’s Eve everyone. See you in 2025 🤝🤝🤝