It’s the last Friday of 2024 which means it’s time for the only award show that matters in today’s media….THE 2ND ANNUAL HORNY AWARDS (can we top 2023’s??)
Before we get started, it’d be sick you could do 2 things.
1) Take 2 mins and fill out this survey. It’ll help us make sure we’re delivering the freshest, most delicious content into your inboxes next year. Thanks in advance 🤝🤝🤝
2) Ask a question for our mailbag coming Monday (submit your question here and check out previous versions here.)
LET’S GET INTO IT. (PS - this email is long and may get clipped by G-Mail, so try reading it online if you have issues.)
HORNIEST POLITICIAN
A politician’s job is to represent the interests of their civilians. Most civilians are extremely horny and they have been throughout history. To be human is to be horny.
In 2024, our politicians went above and beyond. And for that, we thank them.
Everyone give it up for last year’s recipient, Lauren Boobert
THE CANDIDATES
Sex Tape African Public Official: busted with 400+ sex tapes involving the president’s sister, his brother’s wife, the wife of the police general (fuck the police…’s wives) and more. With great power, comes great horniness. Kudos.
This Washington Lawmaker: she ‘bullied her male aide into sex & errands,’ which is my ideal relationship. Wish more cool stuff like this happened to me.
Hot Thai Politician: husband caught her in bed with her step-son, a 24 year old monk that she adopted last year. A true modern family. Life imitates porn.
Kentucky Rep. Nick Wilson: says the law he introduced to legalize having sex with your first cousin was an ‘accident.’ Sureeee. Just admit you have a hot cousin you wanna bang and move on. Stop embarrassing the Survivor franchise.
NC Governor Candidate Mark Robinson: exposed as a frequent poster on a porn forum called ‘Nude Africa,’ made a series of remarks so ‘gratuitously sexual and lewd in nature’ that they could not be printed. I need to read these.
Who Was This Year's Horniest Politician
HORNIEST EX-ATHLETE
They may have retired from professional sports, but they have not retired from being life-alteringly horny.
Brings me no joy to say that we are likely one year away from Tiger being eligible for this category
THE CANDIDATES:
Lamar Odom: bought a sex doll that looks exactly like his ex-wife Khloe Kardashian. Great example of why you need to run every major purchase by your group chat. “Bad Boys Pissgang” would have immediately vetoed this.
Shannon Sharpe: Unc went on IG Live while porking the absolute bejessus out of a lady and I heard some things I’ll never un-hear. And I don’t want to.
Dan Orlovsky: former NFL QB and current foot fetish enthusiast sniffed his cohost Molly’s shoe live on the air. Rex Ryan’s influence is crazyyyyy.
Antonio Brown: there’s probably 100 examples of this from this year alone. He makes having CTE look kinda fun.
Who was this year's horniest ex-athlete
HORNIEST DMs WE SENT
We went looking for love a lot in 2024. It didn’t always work out. Does that make us failures? No. It makes us human.
Here were our greatest attempts at courtship this year.
RUNNER-UPS:
Cameron Brink Gets Engaged. Uppies please 🥺
Jacob Elordi Is Single. Love is war, and in war, you must strike first. He might steal my probably almost girlfriend, but I’m not going down without a fight.
Defending Dakota and Sydney from Negative Madame Web Reviews: I will burn Rotten Tomatoes to the ground if they every mistreat my two ladies again.
Freeing Paulina Gretzky From Dustin Johnson: some people are so blinded by love they cannot see what’s in front of them. You’re welcome, Paulina.
Daily Friday never woke up.
Congrats to Sydney Sweeney, on being the lucky recipient of back-to-back horniest DMs of the year (2023’s Sydney Sweeney Invites Us to Australia and Then Ghosts Us is still unread.) True excellence.
THE DOC’S LOCKS
As we wait for the next round of the CFP next weekend, it’s time to spend our Saturday betting some NFL action. As always, we’ll be partnering with BetMGM, so make sure you sign up today using FBDAILY for up to $1500 in free bets.
SEASON RECORD: 29-19
There’s only one play on Saturday: a three-leg NFL parlay for glory.
It’s the late season playoff push and all 3 games feature teams fighting for their post-season lives. When in doubt, always bet on the team that needs to win.
Leg 1: Chargers at Patriots: Chargers ML
Leg 2: Broncos at Bengals: Broncos ML
Leg 3: Cardinals at Rams: Rams ML
Parlay these three legs together for a tidy little +381 odds (Bet $100, win $481) on the BetMGM app and end the year right 🤝🤝🤝
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HORNIEST ANIMAL
Animals can be horny too. Wake up, sheeple.
Love is beautiful.
THE CANDIDATES:
Sexually Frustrated Dolphin: officials say that the dolphin who attacked 18+ humans in Japan was just ‘sexually frustrated.’ The first incel dolphin. Thank god he’s not in America and can’t access a gun.
Well-Travelled Whale: Travelled across 3 oceans to get laid (someone’s been watching Sex Drive.) This is what most Thai tourists do, so can’t knock it.
Flaco the NYC Owl: after escaping the zoo, he spent his freedom essentially firing off late night Snaps and getting left on read (relatable) before dying from pigeon herpes and rat poison. Sounds like a hell of a vacation.
Tapit the Throughbred: the former race-horse has grown his legacy in retirement, breeding with thousands of mares who then birthed hundreds of race winners. He made $35M this year, just by cumming. Legend.
Who Was This Year's Horniest Animal
HORNIEST ONLYFANS MOMENT
People do know that PornHub is free right?
Shoutout to last year’s winner, Ruby Rose’s top spender
THE CANDIDATES
Guy who spent $4M on Sophie Rain: he could’ve funded 1 day of the Ukraine war for that much money. Such poor financial planning.
Prison guard who slept with her prisoner: she recorded the act, posted it on OF, and now is facing a life-time in prison. Honestly worth it. What position did they do, prisonary? (Sorry)
Fans of the Girthmaster: the dude is packing a wine bottle in his pants and makes Caitlin Clark’s yearly salary in one month. I don’t blame the fans.
Anyone involved in the 100 people in 24 hours video: let’s leave this stuff in 2024. Respectfully.
Corina Knapf Fans: she’s retiring after making $67M over 3 years. Personally, I’d rather sign KCP for that kind of money (3-D guys with championship experience don’t grow on trees) but to each their own.
What was the horniest OnlyFans moment?
HOG OF THE YEAR
As appreciators of the human body in all forms, it’s time to give credit where credit is due.
THE CANDIDATES
French Pole-Vaulter: a hammer so large that it cost him the gold. See, Sarah??? Bigger isn’t always better.
Gary Busey: whipped it out in LA to publicly piss in front of the paparazzi. I feel like he’s constantly method acting as himself. Respect.
Justin Timberlake: a harness malfunction exposed his pipsqueak package. Finally: awareness for the small-medium sized community. Thank you JT.
Donovan Mitchell: He out-meated Shai this year. Enough said.
Martin Barr: the man who wrote “A Long Story,” an autobiography about his schlong that was so big it gave a woman a concussion during sex. Maybe I have no idea how sex works but I’m genuinely curious how that is possible.
Who had 2024's Hog of the Year
You’ve done enough reading. Let’s do some rapid fire categories, shall we?
MOST EROTIC PUBLIC SEX ACT: congrats to this couple who butt-funneled margaritas at a local Mexican restaurant. I thought the margs were bottom-less AYOOOOO!
Was her rim salted as well? Come onnnnn it’s too easy
HORNIEST AIR FORCE MEMBER: the traitorously horny man who got Catfished into giving classified Ukraine war intel on a dating site. Thank god I’m banned from joining the military: I would absolutely betray my country to sext a woman online.
MOST EROTIC PRESS CONFERENCE MOMENT: this reporter was kind enough to blare some porn while Luka Doncic was giving his post-game thoughts. Thank you sir.
HORNIEST MOVE PROMOTION: Fuckable Popcorn Buckets. Absolute landslide here. Hollywood learned on thing this year: nothing puts asses into theater seats quite like the chance to stick their schlong in a snack holder. Valuable lesson.
Can you blame this customer for falling asleep mid-drunk hog crank? Theaters are unbelievably sexy these days.
HORNIEST REMOTE TRIBE: this Amazon tribe that received Internet access and immediately got addicted to porn, social media and scams. Welcome to the good life.
PERSON HORNIEST FOR AN ANIMAL: This was a tight one, but gotta hand it to the person shoved an eel up their ass and had 2 feet of his intestines eaten. That’s purely for sex, not love, unlike this woman who left her husband for a Great Dane.
HORNIEST SNAP-CHATTER: Carson Beck and it’s not close. I shudder to imagine what he’ll send during elbow surgery recovery. Hopefully it’s on his Snap-sending arm.
He needs to be banned from the app
HORNIEST ROLLING STONES INTERVIEW: Billie Eilish spent this entire interview talking about flicking the ol’ bean. Good for her. Girls are gooners too.
HORNIEST KANYE MOMENT: Told his wife he wanted to sleep with her mother while she watched. Communication is essential to any marriage, well done Mr. West.
LEAST HORNY PERSON OF THE YEAR: Lenny Kravitz says he’s been celibate for 7 years, claims it’s a ‘spiritual thing.’ Are you sure it’s not a ‘my entire body is slowly being consumed by a gigantic scarf so sex has become impossible’ thing? Just checking.
His penis is now 85% scarf. Soon, there will be nothing left.
Have a wonderful New Year’s Eve everyone. See you in 2025 🤝🤝🤝
Please ask us some questions. That would be chill.
