🤝2024 In Review🤝

Happy Monday and Merry Almost Christmas / Hannukkah (they’re the same day this year, would ya look at that!) Just a quick heads up that we’re switching over to a holiday schedule these next two weeks. Here’s what to expect.

Today: 2024 In Review

Friday 12/27: The 2nd Annual Horny Awards (check out last year’s version)

Monday 12/30: MONSTER MAILBAG (we answer your questions on everything. Ask your question here and check out previous versions here.)

Wednesday 1/1: 2025 Forecast

Friday 1/3: Back to our regularly scheduled programming.

Before we get started, it’d be sick you could take 2 mins and fill out this survey. It’ll help us get to know you a little better and make sure we’re delivering the freshest, most delicious content into your inboxes next year. Thanks in advance 🤝🤝🤝

OLD PERSON OF THE YEAR

It’s been a hell of a year for old people. We had senior citizens who got to win a Presidential race, withdraw from a Presidential race, and also box Jake Paul. And those are just the honorable mentions.

Here are the candidates.

101-Year-Old Vet. Who Had A Hooters Birthday: his niece took him to Milkers Mecca (Hooters) on his 101st birthday and he had such an incredible time that he openly wept with joy and vowed to return for every birthday until he died. World’s most wholesome horny man.

Nancy Pelosi: the 84 year old survived a brutal tumble on the stairs (kinda need this footage ASAP,) got Joe Biden fired, and most importantly, made another $50 million on the stock market. Queen.

World’s Oldest Woman (RIP): She passed away at the age of 117, which means she lived through 2 World Wars, 2 Ben Affleck and J-Lo marriages and 2 pandemics (one real and one created by the vaccine companies to increase bat soup sales.) She was old enough to say “that’s the best invention since sliced bread” and actually know what she’s talking about. Respect.

106 Year Old Skydiver: Al Blache reclaimed his world record for ‘Oldest Person to Jump from a Plane’ this year. Yes, he only got it after another lady died, but still: outlasting others is a skill. W.

NEPO BABY OF THE YEAR

Bronny James: the king of the G-League. He and Bronny Sr. put on the best Father-Son performance since Oedipus and his dad became Eskimo brothers. Respect.

Woody Johnson’s Sons: look, if my dad owned the Jets, I’d probably do some of this stuff too. Sure, I’d be a lot better of a GM than they were (won 3 straight Madden titles and my fantasy team is in the finals next week) but I can’t blame them.

Kim Jon Un: he became best friends with Putin, his soldiers got to experience porn addiction, and cleared his name of being friends with Kristi Noemi. Big year.

Hunter Biden: I’ve spent the past 3 weeks begging my dad to become the president so I can get a free pass for the past 10 years. I’d sleep a lot easier if I could wipe those public urination, tax fraud and having way too big of a penis charges 😎😎😎.

THE BRAIN ROT AWARDS

This year, Brain Rot hawk tuah’d on our minds, very mindfully and demurely. Many parts were skibidi, but there were some extremely Ohio moments.

Before we fully newsletter-max, let’s all goon on our favorite mewing moments while Baby Gronk our Livvy Dunnes. Try not to edge challenge? Impossible.

Based Brain Rot Term: Gyat

Cursed Brain Rot Term: Jelqing

Aura-Maxing Brain Rot Person: The Rizzler 

L + Ratio Brain Rot Person: Mr. Beast

Ws in the Chat Brain Rot Song: Anything from this guy. (Sorry, Costco Guys)

Chat was that real? Yes. Thank you sigmas.

LET’S LUCY

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Personally, I like to go with the Wintergreen 6mg pouches. Nothing brings me greater peace in life than lying on the couch after a long day of working sorta hard, popping a couple in, and re-watching Always Sunny for the 200th time. It just soothes me.

Warning: this product contains nicotine. Nicotine is an addictive chemical.

ANIMAL OF THE YEAR

This year taught me one thing: animals are people too. It’s been a HUGE year for viral animals, with so many incredible candidates that this fat cat didn’t even make the cut. It’s officially the SEC of the 2024 Awards.

Here’s our candidates.

Moo Deng: the viral hippo that has sparked our increasingly deranged Hump Day Hippo segment and I’ve actually completely forgotten to check in on since (still famous.)

This Monkey: I am in love with a monkey. No further questions.

Peanut the Squirrel: the squirrel that sparked a revolution and single-handedly won Trump the 2024 election (don’t fact-check that please.)

Monkeys that escaped from a lab: it’s been more than a month since 43 monkeys escaped from a research lab in South Carolina and 4 of them are still on the run, reportedly ‘sticking together to avoid traps.’ That rocks so hard.

This jacked Kangaroo: Jesus christ. This kangaroo could steal my girl, wallet and virginity and I’d still apologize to him. Would love to see him take on Logan Paul.

CURSED FOOD BRAND INNOVATIONS

This year, the food brands decided they didn’t need to stay in their lanes. There were a ton of innovations this year, but these were our least favorite.

Spiked Dunkin’ Donuts Pumpkin Spiced Latte: Best way to start the morning and goes perfectly with my breakfast cocaine.

Auntie Anne’s Perfume: perfect product for anyone who wants to smell like a mall food court. Can they drop a Lid’s scent next?

Hidden Valley Flavored Burt’s Bees: imagine kissing a girl and she tastes like ranch dressing? Imagine kissing a girl in the first place. Damn, that’d be sick.

Subway Footlong Cookies: they finally made a cookie that’s 5x the length of a totally normal human penis, especially given how cold this pool is today.

Hellman’s Mayo Perfume: every woman’s deepest desire is a man who smells like raw eggs and vinegar. Hellman’s gets that.

FALL-OFF OF THE YEAR

Look, not everyone can have a year like Caitlin Clark. Some people struggled and that’s ok. There’s always 2025.

Hawk Tuah: Hawk Tuah was supposed to be about lifting people up. How did we let this happen?

Drake: in just 12 months, everyone went from loving him and his massive schlong to entire stadiums calling him a pedophile in harmony. Tough break.

NYPD dance team: they have yet to take the stage since their break-out performance on Pix-11. I really hope their instructor found other work.

George Santos: he went from the world’s most creative liar to star of a Ziwe video to indicted for fraud in just one year. Proof that all it takes is 365 to change your life 🙏🏻

See you kids on Friday. Don’t forget to ask questions for the mailbag and fill out the survey. Ciao.