MONSTER MAILBAG

Happy 2026 you little freaks. We’re going back to regularly scheduled content next week, but for now check out all our Year in Review content from the past few editions including 26 Predictions for 2026, the Horny Awards and the Daily Friday Awards.

We all know that Joey Chestnut is the greatest athlete to set foot on this Earth. But I want to know about some other athletes that world might not fully appreciate. What’s your Mt. Rushmore of greatest athletes to grace the Earth? - Griffin

I’m glad you agree. Joey Chestnut is not only the most dominant athlete of the modern era, he’s also the most versatile, holding eating records across 55 food types. And he still doesn’t get enough shine.

As we break out this Mt. Rushmore, we’re going to focus on three key traits: Versatility, Dominance, and Under-Appreciated-ness (new word just dropped.)

So sorry to Deion, Bo, Gretzky, Jordan, Bonds, Michael Phelps, Tiger, Jim Brown (greatest lacrosse player AND greatest RB ever) but you guys feel adequately appreciated to me.

Jim Thorpe: he won 2 Olympics gold medals, played professional basketball, baseball and football, and pioneered the introduction of Lacrosse. All he got out of it was a small town named for him in PA that admittedly has a gorgeous railroad museum.

Charlie Ward: it’s not talked about enough that he won a Heisman Trophy and Natty as a QB at FSU and then played 9 seasons for the Knicks and led them to the Finals. He holds the FSU record for steals AND 14 other football records. He was drafted by the Brewers out of high school to play baseball and he’s also a scratch golfer. GOAT.

Wilt Chamberlain: the forgotten NBA great, Wilt’s records are actually absurd. He had one season where he averaged 50 PPG and 48.5 minutes per game. Yes there are 48 minutes in a game. He literally sat out for 8 mins the entire season. Plus, he’s also slept with 20,000 women. A whole different kind of versatility but I’ll count it.

Chase Budinger: very solid NBA player that lasted 7 season (nearly took home a Slam Dunk Contest title) who just competed in the Olympics for beach volleyball. Kind of like Herschel Walker competing on the US Bobsled team but a little more actual skill.

We did have to leave a lot of good fictional talent on the sidelines, including Air Bud (dominated in at least 7 different sports, though it remains to be seen if that would translate to the next level,) Pablo Sanchez from Backyard Sports, John Tucker from John Tucker Must Die (dude can do a front flip dunk) and Kim Jong-II as a golfer.

Is it ok to poop your pants once a year? Feel like you’ll get a pass if it’s once a year, twice is too much. - Cole L.

My gut reaction is yes. My underwear gets soiled at least 2-3x a year, just from life itself. That’s what happens when you drink a pot of coffee ever day and have zero discretion or restraint when it comes to consumption of food, alcohol and nicotine.

HOWEVER: I want to be super clear about how we define ‘pooping your pants.’ Sharting your pants is totally fine. Letting a fart get away from you is a part of life and happens to the best of us.

A solid poop though? That’s a little inexcusable. Once a year might even be a little too much. You might wanna do some sphincter exercise to tighten that thing up.

I had to ask my good friend Strider, well-known pants shitter, to talk through this one with me and we both decided that 2 poops is fine: one international and one domestic. Plus, I told a story about how I sharted my pants during a job interview. Content like you read about.

Fuck, Marry, Kill; Lola Bunny, Judy Hopper, Jessica Rabbit - Jeff

Interesting. 2 cartoon rabbits and one cartoon woman whose last name is rabbit. Tricky. Luckily, I am someone who consider rabbits to be the sexiest animal and am also very comfortable sexualizing cartoon characters, so you came to the right place.

After considerable thought, here’s my answer.

Fuck Lola Bunny - massive caveat that we’re talking about the old Lola, not the new one that got the green M&Ms treatment. Personally not a huge Bugs Bunny fan either, so cucking him would give me some pleasure.

Marry Judy Hopps - she’s a cop so 1) she gets great benefits and 2) you can’t really kill her because you’ll got to jail for a long time. She also seems like she’d be a great life partner and we’d have a healthy, solid and stable marriage.

Kill Jessica Rabbit - she’s the hottest, most alluring woman in the entire world. She would also ruin your life. Fucking her just once would tantalize you forever (you would ALWAYS be chasing that) and marrying her would be a constant source of stress. I’m man enough to admit I could not handle a sultry cartoon lounge singer. RIP Jessica.

Welcome to the grind. We got another beautiful slate of football this weekend. Time to make bank with some picks from Dr. Locks and Glue Guy on this weekend’s action.

SEASON RECORD: 31-24

Carolina Panthers at Tampa Bay Bucs: Panthers ML

Dallas Cowboys at New York Giants: Giants +3.5

Detroit Lions at Chicago Bears: Bears -3

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Let’s go into some rapid fires.

Any New Year’s Resolution? - Anonymous

Stop sharting my pants so much. And pick up a new hobby (I used to be sick at saxophone until I decided I wanted to talk to girls in high school and stopped, but I kinda of want to pick it up back up.) Also drink more and gain more weight. Important to set achievable goals.

Which burka wearing women are the hottest in the world? - Biff

Mia Khalifa. Or whoever this woman is.

Is there a tipping point where you can call your local bartender a friend? And if so, how can you tell when they have gone from bartender to friend? - Stu

Hanging out outside of the bar is the big test here.

But keep in mind - it’s also fine if your bartender is just your bartender friend. It’s like having a work friend or a gym buddy. Some relationships shouldn’t leave the place they start. Nothing wrong with that. Do you actually want them to be your friend or do you just like talking to them while you drink a Guinness and watch the Yankees game?

Gay son or thot daughter? - cumpiss

Don’t really care. All I really want from a hypothetical child is that I can push my failed dreams onto them and that they get really rich and can get me out of credit card debt. I need a cash cow. Doesn’t totally matter who they fuck tbh.

Why does big media consistently discriminate against hippos? The 100 man vs gorilla debate would have been much more nuanced had a hippo been involved, but they weren't, and they never seem to be included. Shame hippo recognition peaked in 1953 with the release of the hit christmas song. moo deng is cool but has an immistakable industry plant vibe that is hard to shake for any real hippo enthusiuasm. - Callum

Thank you for asking Callum. The answer is obvious: media is terrified of the power of hippos and the hippo community. They know that if our voices are heard, then it will be the downfall of everything we hold sacred in society.

That’s the exact reason we can’t stay silent. Hump Day Hippo is one of the only final bastions of hope and journalistic integrity in the world today. If it falls, we all fall. Keep the fight.

What is the best way to trick yourself into actually improving yourself over the course of a year? - Johnny

Don’t put so much pressure on yourself to improve. Life is meant to be enjoyed, not optimized. Focus instead of finding the things you actually really like to do and you’ll naturally find yourself making the time for it.

This essay by my favorite writer Haruki Marukami actually is a good way to think about building your life. It’s better to do a few things well than do a lot of things not that well.

Another option: hire a man to come and beat the shit out of you on a bi-weekly basis if you don’t complete your goals. Eventually you will defeat him in battle and transcend the need for his services. Only then will your training be complete.

Is it true that any woman can squirt? - Anonymous

I don’t know, man, and I don’t really care. I blame porn for people thinking that shit like this matters.

Here’s the thing: no matter how insane or freaky you get, the only way to have really good sex is to do it with 1) someone you really love or 2) someone you really hate. Or with your boss’s mom. Ideally it will last like 35 seconds and give you plenty of time to get on with your day. 

On that note, have a good weekend 🤝 🤝